It's Hard

I just turned twenty one about a week ago and It has not been fun.

I've begun noticing myself forcing smiles, fake laughing, and not enjoying one moment of the interactions I once craved.

It has been hard to get happy as of lately when the reasonings are running slim.

Once you get to the point where bills add up. You have to purchase food, house items, drinks. Pretty much everything you consume and want. It all begins to feel pointless. The food I once enjoyed became a chore.

After adulting since sixteen, the grocery store is no longer a land of endless food options. It is instead a much needed task to avoid eating bad undercooked and mostly wrong take out orders.

I'm finding it nearly impossible to enjoy my twenties with my senses rejecting everything I once loved.

It's hard to fall back into fun habits when you are stuck with the consciousness of your actions and you want to be responsible.

It's a sad cycle of wanting to have fun and get lit, but you have work in the morning.

Or debt from loans you can barely remember spending.

Or three bills due in one day that will leave you with a wonky 5$ left out of a check you felt you deserved.

Just for it to go in way less time it took to get.

Is going out going to be worth the two weeks of ramen noodles you'll be dreading to consume?

"Just be happy and enjoy your twenties" they say.

Good luck in your 20 somethings. Prepare for the journey.. its a long one.

Now, this may be my depression talking but nothing is satisfying.

I indulge myself in my past favorites and I find myself simply hating everything.

I tolerate the people around me and hope that my act is enough.

I have been working on quitting my addictions and facing my trauma head on but it's draining the old me by the pint.

The worst things about going through a healing journey is

1. Where to freaking start
2. Some days your fine and others not so much
3. Trying to be the best you and only end up showing the worst parts of you to everyone around you

They say to help with the process, cut off all toxic people. Unfortunately, the more I go through the journey. The more I see the toxicity running through my green veins.

When I quit the distractions in my life, I began to notice that I liked nothing in the mirror. I started to project my insecurities to the people around me. It hit me hard when I realized I became bitter. I became upset with the routine, the journey, and the process of my life.

The glow that radiated off me shriveled into dust. I now prefer corners and the breezes in solitude. I now prefer self torture.

I lost my faith in humanity and singled out everyone as users or bad people. I allowed my struggles to overcome and seep into me.

Let's get back to my birthday…

I turned twenty one with a healthy relationship and a passion for writing… That's about it.

Yeah, I have a home (which I can barely pay for)

Yeah, I have income (that barely covers the bills)

And a education that I'm pursuing (for whatever reason)

None of it seems like enough. I pay my bills with excess student loans and side jobs. It seems like I'm making it but for the most part I'm drowning under a cloud of smoke, suffocating.

I yell and scratch at my throat to speak but the only thing that comes out is anger.

I am bitter and angry.

I try to fight it with meditation, yoga, and praying. But, most days I'm simply exhausted from trying to force myself to be happy.

Because why?

Being happy now is one of my daily struggles. It seems so much easier to seep into the background and allow yourself to be forgotten.

I used to judge others for being unhappy, I mean the world is so beautiful and there are so many opportunities, but in daily activities everything no longer makes me feel. Its like I'm numb without the assistance of a sweet hit of bliss. It's like I'm empty if my lungs are not full.

In my contradicted opinion, it's because I had a plan for my life and I am not sure where I am going anymore.

That is supposed to be the fun part about life. The beautiful unknowing thought that things can get better and they might. But, with social media and other influences. I feel like I'm not nearly where I want to be.

I am just here taking up space and making everyone around me miserable.

Why would anyone want to be around me when I don't even want to be around me.

And IT FREAKING SUCKS.

Please like, share, and tip! Feel free to DM me with your thoughts on your twenties!