I Thought I Was Going to Die at the Office

I'm sitting in my favorite coffee shop while I write this. It's been well over a year since I've been inside this cafe. I was (and still am) diligent about social distancing, stopping the spread, washing my hands, masking up, and all that. But now that the vaccines are being widely distributed, I feel more confident in leaving the house for a bit.

Just a bit. I can only take the outside world for so long before I get overwhelmed and I need to find a quiet, still place. It reminds me of five years ago, when I first started dealing with my anxiety.

2017 was a rough year for me. Too much happened all at once, both good and bad.

I started a new office job where I didn't know what I was doing. I published my first book on Amazon, and I also didn't know what I was doing with that either. But also my mother died. I had to put my dog down two weeks after that. Then I took in a family member's adorably hyper dog, which is a lot of work even if she’s the cutest little pup. And even more hits kept coming after that.

The anxiety kept building and building in me throughout the year. It was such a slow process that I didn't even suspect how much it had accumulated until it was too late. I just thought it was hard to breathe at work because it was an old building with poor ventilation. My heart was pounding because maybe I was sensitive to coffee. And crying in the restroom stall was normal, considering everything that had been going on. Cry breaks are normal, right?

I was at work, processing another spreadsheet like normal. I glanced at the time and thought to myself, "Oh hell, it's only 10:40."

And that’s when everything fell apart. My heart felt like it was trying to leap out my chest and escape my body. My vision blurred, I felt dizzy, and I was unable to even stand up straight. I was consumed with an overwhelming sense of doom. Yes, doom. I was certain I was going to die. In the office.

So I went to the hospital. After some tests,a doctor explained to me that I wasn't having a heart attack. I was just at my breaking point. He gave me some pamphlets about finding a therapist and sent me on my way.

Does this mean I beat my anxiety for good? Hell, no. I have good days and bad. But thanks to my patient husband and going to therapy, I'm just more equipped to handle my symptoms and recognize when I'm at my limit.

I just wanted to share my story because maybe it would help other people recognize their own symptoms. Help them recognize their hearts weren't going to defect from their body and start a cardiac revolution. Because of the pandemic, I bet everyone is high-strung and anxious, even though a great number of people are already fully vaccinated. People are still in dire financial straits, loaded with medical bills, or have lost loved ones. Perhaps all of the above. So yeah, I’m pretty sure everyone is just a sneeze away from having an emotional breakdown.

If you need help, please reach out to someone. There's no shame in asking for help, especially with how awful the past couple of years have been for everyone. I know the pandemic has changed how we get our healthcare, but there are plenty of tele-therapy services out there. Check them out. Do a quick Google search and see what works best for you. There’s always hope. Because you don’t need to wait until you fall apart at 10:40 to feel better.