I’m Sorry

September 2018 was the worst time in my life and my world was turned upside down. I would never be the same and it’s not easy to have no regrets about this story I’m about to share.

It was September 25th, my older sister Raynee’s 32nd birthday. It was also her out date, see RAYNEE was incarcerated at the county jail and had been for the previous 7 months. At midnight I was picking her up and it was a very exciting day for me and I am sure for my sister as well.

My sisters boyfriend jake was with me that day and he informed me that he was bringing my sister a “rinse”. Now for people that aren’t familiar with what that is, a rinse is the junkies use to describe a left over shot of heroin. I was pissed “she said she’s staying clean Jake!” I screamed at her boyfriend. Why would he bring her drugs right away, the second she’s out of jail which mind you, Raynee was in jail to begin with for a possession of heroin charge she got the year prior. It pissed me off but regardless of how I felt the jerk brought the syringe to the jail anyways and as soon as my sister got into my car he shot her up and that was the beginning of the next two days of pretty much non stop partying.

Let’s back up a little bit....

The morning after I picked up Raynee we woke up and we all felt pretty horrible and we piled up in my car and headed north to the town where aquirering drugs is always possible. On the way there my sister was in the passenger seat puking and she looked back at her boyfriend and said, “I don’t want to get any boi today, I don’t want to start doing that shit again.” (Boi is heroin) jake replied “ I want to get like a dime cause in sick.” So of course she got some because my sister loved Jake and would do ANYTHING this man asked of her.

I’m pissed but keep it to myself. Regrettably I say nothing and we go to the dope dealer get the stuff and head back to my place. Raynee and I were having a good day I gave her a pedicure and dressed her up in some new clothes. It was nice. I noticed Raynee was really messed up and her and I started arguing about it. She wanted to get dropped off at our dads house and I was completely not ok with that. “Dad’s gonna know that you’re fucked up on heroin and I’m going to be the one blamed for it.” I argued. I explained to my sister that she looked messed up and I was concerned that she would overdose. “Overdose! I’m walking around!” She exclaimed. So I took her picture to show her how messed up she looked. (Still have it.) After going back and forth with this argument for a long time, I gave in and we loaded up in my car and I brought RAYNEE and Jake to our dads place and after three “I love you’s” from Raynee to me, I dropped them off.

The next morning, September 27th 2018, I went to my friend chips house to get his pit bull Sasha to bring her to my place for a doggy sleep over, she was my pal. I drive back home and I received a call from one of my friends who informed me that my sister had passed away that morning. I didn’t believe it. “That’s not funny Shawn!” I yelled at him. That’s when my little sister got on the phone and told me it was true, Raynee was gone. I freaked out I was screaming I threw my phone the dog that was with me was running around trying to get away from my histarical ass. My step mom called me and said, “I’m sorry Markie she’s gone.” Whoa Desa vu, I instantly remembered a dream I had had six months prior to that day where my stepmom said that exact thing to me over the phone and I couldn’t believe it. Had I dreamt about my sisters death before it happened. Crazy.

I knew I had to bring Sasha back home so I headed up north to drop her off and then I went to my dads house. When I pulled up I saw my dad sitting in a chair outside. The paramedics wouldn’t allow him to enter the house until they took my sisters body. I walked up to my dad, dropped to my knees and started to cry laying my head on his lap. “It’s not your fault.” My said insisted. Then jake came outside, “can you drop me off at my dads house.” He asked. “Yeah grab your shit, grab ALL your shit, let’s go!” I hated him. I blamed myself but more so I blame Jake for Raynees passing away. You see Jake pushed the heroin in my sister from the second she was released from the jail and as much as I told him to back off and stop he didn’t. Jake got in my car and I told my dad I’d be back and we left. “Do you want to get sober with me?” Jake asked me. “Fuck a little late for that now!” I screamed. “Fuck you Jake I don’t even want you in my car right now!” He was lucky I was there to give him a ride before my dad was filled in with the details of the prior two days before raynees death. Jake told me that after I had dropped them off he and Raynee did another shot of heroin around 2 am and around five am Raynee was breathing funny so he woke her up and told her to stay awake cuz she was breathing funny. After that they both fell back asleep and my sister never woke up again. How could you shoot her up again after I had made such a big deal out of how fucked up she was the night before? How could he fall asleep after waking her up due to thinking her breathing was off? How could you Jake?! My stepmom told me he didn’t even try to revive her, no mouth to mouth, no cpr...he just sat there. It’s hard not to regret the events that occurred the two days prior to my sisters death. I’m so sorry Raynee Mae. Gone too soon and never forgotten RIH Raynee Mae Rutherford 09/24/1986-09/27/2018