I’m Dating a Narcissist - what the fuck do I do now?

When I was much younger I dated all the wrong men. A drug dealer, an air traffic controller with a sex addiction, an emotionally unavailable artist, a stuntman in Hollywood who later turned into a cage fighter.

It was an endless parade of bad boys. They were all somehow broken and I was, too.

Sadly, some of them were emotionally or physically abusive. The drug dealer dislocated my shoulder in a hotel room one night when were arguing over God knows what.

I remember the pure agony of laying on the bed and rolling my shoulder bone back into place. 

To say that I was a mess when it came to choosing men would be putting it mildly. I recall telling friends “well I’m dating all the wrong men, but at least I’m not marrying any of them.”

That statement was basically me fooling myself into somehow thinking all of this was ok. Not only was my self worth nowhere to be found, I was wasting a hell of a lot of precious time. 

I did not see my own value. 

But I eventually faced my demons about my own self worth, grew from it, and began making better choices with partners and love. No mud, no lotus, right?

One of my most challenging dating relationships from years ago was Steve (not his real name). Steve worked for a big entertainment company in California, and was responsible for some of their hiring decisions when it came to musical entertainment.

The entertainment industry isn't known for having the most well adjusted people working in it, and well adjusted he was not. 

He drank copious amounts of alcohol and snorted his way through the 70's, and 80's before he finally got clean and sober. I learned that clean and sober doesn't necessarily mean you have your shit together.

He was also 25 years older than me. I was intrigued by his life experiences, his work in the entertainment industry, and the celebrities he met and played music with. 

He came onto me with such passionate interest. I felt smitten and love bombed by his adoration and attention.

He was an older man with a solid job, a home in the suburbanite playground of Orange County, and he always wanted to be with me. 

Classier than the drug dealer for sure. I felt like I was finally making better choices in men. 

He took me out to nice restaurants, showered me with gifts, told me I was "the one", and wanted me to move in with him in a matter of days after we met. 

The 29 year old me was in relationship heaven. Or so I thought.

What could possibly go wrong?

After this initial stage of love bombing, whatever could go wrong did. He would talk mostly about himself and his accomplishments, he would nitpick me over silly things like my clothing or hair - sometimes being downright rude and unkind. 

He needed to be the center of attention constantly or else he would become irritated and angry.

His temper grew to include flying off at me over small little things. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, and that I constantly had to be mindful of what came out of my mouth so as to not offend him. 

It didn't matter though, he was going to be pissed off at me regardless of how gently I spoke to him. He would ignore me and leave me wondering what I said that was so horrible and wrong. 

I just couldn't win.

Three years into this on again off again emotional cluster fuck of a relationship, I finally had enough. 

I was emotionally exhausted, depressed, and mentally spent. It was time to exit stage left with whatever pride and dignity I had remaining.

I left and never looked back.

I know now that he was a classic narcissist, and I was his supply. It was about control, and I played the role of codependent in our dysfunctional little fairytale.

We are all self-oriented at times in some way. "The self" is just one of the parts of our internal world that makes us who we are. 

It's a positive thing to have high self-esteem, focus on our goals and self care, and not worry about other people's opinions.

However, the narcissist goes beyond a healthy sense of self, and into a dark world of control, ego feeding, and manipulation. A narcissist is someone who displays an extreme interest in themselves and a lack of empathy for others.

They often view other people as inferior to themselves and may be overly competitive or manipulative. They usually have a grandiose sense of self-importance and believe they deserve special treatment.

The need for ego feeding can become so great that it overpowers and exhausts those around them.

Dating a narcissist is a roller coaster ride. It is an emotionally draining experience that can leave you feeling confused, lonely, sad, depressed, and hopeless.

Have you ever wondered if you're in a relationship with a narcissist? Here are a few red flags.....

12 Signs That You’re Dating a Narcissist: 

1. They love bomb you at the beginning of the relationship 

2. They put you down and frequently criticize you 

3. They act like they're entitled to everything

4. They never apologize for anything they do

5. You feel like you don't matter to them

6. They are quick to get angry 

7. They ignore you after fights or disagreements

8. They always need to be right

 9. They need to be admired and often brag about their accomplishments, who they know, etc. 

10. They need to be the center of attention 

11. They talk a lot about themselves 

12. It’s all about the “show", and they can be very showy 

Now that you’re aware of the traits of the narcissist, let’s take a look at some tips and ideas on how to deal with them.

What You Can Do: 

1. The first step is to realize that you are not alone. Having an empathetic, nonjudgmental listener can help a lot. Never feel defeated or embarrassed about about seeking out counseling.

2. Take care of yourself and make sure you are eating healthy, exercising, getting enough sleep, etc. Set yourself as a priority.

3. Practice mindfulness and meditation techniques so that you can be aware of your thoughts and feelings at all times.

4. Be willing to leave, and open to the possibility of a breakup.

5. Be honest about your feelings and needs, especially if you are being put down by someone who lacks empathy or awareness of how their behavior is impacting you.

6. Often, the best choice is to stop dating this type of person for your own health, happiness and sanity. Remember - you matter!

Once I stopped dating the narcissist (and other bad boys), it was like a  signal to the universe that I was ready for true and meaningful love with a partner who valued me, and treated me with respect and kindness.

Thankfully, that's exactly what I found, and we're both currently working on building a life of happily ever after together.

After decades I finally realized that I deserved the fairytale, and so do you.