I am in the lowest point of my life

I open my eyes at 1 a.m. just to kick start another worst day. Yes, as terrible as it sounds. I go to sleep at around 5:30 am or 6 am and wake up after midnight and it turned out to be very normal for me these days. This worst habit is the result of consecutive bad habits and a very sick daily routine.

The start:

I haven't been like that since the beginning. A word called 'Discipline' used to have a slighter existence in my life. I had and goals set, I was ambitious, energetic than a average introvert person and had a healthy body and importantly a healthy life style. In 2020, I finished my SSC and the Covid hit. I was isolated for around 1 year and had very limited movement and conversation with people. Although I was quite active is social media but it was not a bit near to having a real social circle. Since it was a really long vacation for me I gave a try to learn new things and prepare myself advance for my further academic life. I continued that routine for a week and that's it. I became inconsistence because I had no seriouness and hooked into unnecessary online surfing and a developed a wicked sleeping schedule. I went like this. sleep at 1 a.m and wake up at 10 a.m. It might sounds reasonable for some people but it was the time when I was laying my foundation to destroy my "Good night's". Life continued like that and I did not pay any attention to that.

Affects:

From 2020-21 I was spending a heavenly life and thought that my life was sorted enough. It was rather a delusion than a fact. I gained weight and became more bulky. From 64 kg to 77 kg. My belly was the worst and I became a guy from running miles and climbing floor after floor without getting tired to having a racy heart if I climb more than five floors in a single go. Even presently this situation continues. I have no will to do physical work at all and don't even feel like walking outside anymore. I don't want to engage in such an activity which requires physical movements. It has been years since I played football and scored a goal. My batting skills in cricket are quite rusty as well which used to be pretty sharp at a time.

Many suggested I go to the gym but somehow my omnipresent parents know everything and according to them going to the gym is suitable for people above 30 and not for me. They successfully broke my backbone by being conservative and manipulative all the time which I will discuss another time. There is a proverb that 'Health is wealth' and somehow this goes with my life very well. Without a healthy condition of my body, it is really difficult to have a drive to work towards anything. Be it study or anything. I tried to learn many other new things like new concepts of finance and economics but couldn't accelerate forward and always had this feeling that something was holding me back and gradually killed my drive. Being an optimist is the hardest for me these days.

I don't have the confidence I had before to do a new and challenging thing and scared of failure. I feel like my muscle growth has also stopped and dropped drastically. I don't feel comfortable being around people or having any kind of interaction with new people even with known people. I had a few good habits like reading books, learning a new musical instrument, playing different sports, and learning about history, culture, and religion but currently, I have none and I feel pointless. I can't hold my concentration for a long time anymore and in the last 1 and a half years I have read only one book which is a tragedy itself.

Reason to live

I might feel hopeless, dejected and pessimistic most of the time yet I am not ready to giving up. I just don't see giving up as a solution. Till my last breath I should be trying. This attitude might seems strong but when you take a wrong route to reach a destination then no matter how hard you try, you will always fail to reach your destination. I feel like I am walking the wrong path and failing over and over without giving up. It leads to no result. The irony is I am blindly taking the path because I believe doing the wrong things is better than sitting passively and watching myself dying. I am confuse at a different level. I just want to get out of this trap and set a life I had always dreamt for.