How To Deal With Losing

I hate to admit it but I can be a bit of a sore loser sometimes. Whether it’s in a competitive sense or a playful scenario, I wouldn't say I particularly enjoy losing.

Normally, I’m a pretty relaxed person and it takes a lot to get me to act out of character. But suffering a loss evokes emotions that I very rarely feel. A substantial amount of rage and frustration.

I’m sure if you’ve ever participated in a competitive online game, you know this feeling all too well. Regardless of the scenario, nobody wishes to be on the losing side. Most people hate the feeling of losing more than they enjoy the satisfaction of winning.

I’ve found that whenever I have experienced a loss, even if it is minor, my mood shifts drastically. I am no longer just upset about the thing that caused my loss, my attention shifts to other aspects of my life.

I become irritable with the people around me, and other past negative experiences come to the surface. An insignificant loss could completely ruin my day.

How can such a small loss bring about so much vexation? How can the outcome of something simple, like a video game or football match, determine the quality of our emotions?

When we lose, our brains experience something called “negativity bias”. A state of mind that causes you to divert your attention to the negative aspects of your life. The loss acts as a catalyst for this phenomenon.

It’s a natural response for all humans. The feeling of negativity is far more prominent than the feeling of positivity. It’s why criticisms have a more significant impact on our emotional state than compliments. It’s why negative experiences stick with us far longer than positive ones. It’s why the sting of losing has a more profound effect than the satisfaction of winning.

It’s no wonder why losing is such an unpleasant feeling. Sometimes, you can literally feel the physical change in your body. You feel your heart rate begin to increase or your palms become progressively sweaty. You may even feel the need to cry. Losing brings forth feelings of inadequacy and leads you to the conclusion that you aren’t good enough.

The way you talk to yourself in these situations is critical. Our self-talk can change the way we perceive current events. By telling yourself you are a loser or incompetent, you are enforcing the narrative you are indeed not good enough.

Over time, I’ve found that by changing the tone of condemnation in my self-talk to one of encouragement, I can get a clearer understanding of why I lost. Rather than looking back and mewling over past losses, I can look forward and see how I can improve.

Inevitably, when you find yourself on the winning side, remember to savour the moment. To truly take a moment and enjoy the fruits of your labour. Doing this helps to keep positive experiences at the forefront of your mind.

So, whenever things do not go your way, you can always refer back to a time when you felt accomplished and proud. You can go back to a time when you were good enough and begin to counter the thoughts that try to convince you otherwise.

Losing is a part of life. There is no success without failure. Remember that you are not defined by your losses. Take what you can learn from those losses and keep moving forward.

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment”

-Marcus Aurelius