How It Feels

Depression. According to Wikipedia this is what it means:

Depression (mood), a state of low mood and aversion to activity.

How it actually feels? Well it's quite hard to describe, I mean really, we put words to describe what we feel but it doesn't quite explain how it is unless you are actually feeling it.

People say that when you have depression or anxiety or anything that is related to your mental health, it's best to talk to someone about it. A therapist, your family and friends, to people who care about you so that they can understand what you are going through better than guessing. And it's true.

The problem is, it's hard for us to talk about it.

Personally, I didn't want to tell anyone of what was happening to me because I didn't know and really I didn't understand why I was feeling the way I felt. When I was in high school, I started feeling way sadder and upset about things that didn't bother me in the past or things that I would be sad about but wouldn't really dwell on. And honestly, writing about it now is not easy. I was always afraid of the stigma that people who speak about this topic and their experiences are seen as people who are crying for attention. I'm still afraid of this but I'm hoping that you, whoever's read this, whether you know someone or are experiencing this yourself, I hope this helps you.

I was about 12 or 13 when I started feeling this way, and I guess as much as my family had tried to understand, it wasn't easy because I couldn't even understand myself. I maybe would appear rude and angry or quiet and grumpy, it was because inside I just felt sad and I didn't know how to deal with it. I felt that no one could understand and I was right. No one could because I wasn't opening up to anyone. Everything that I felt was just inside.

When I was 15 I realized that I needed help. At this point, I would go to school, and would just feel like crying some days. I think if my friends knew, they would have been surprised as I was always making jokes about everything they say, flirt with everyone and would just appear like I'm okay. But I just felt sad all the time. I didn't really see the point of anything and everything.

I wanted the sadness to go away. I’m sure this will sound stupid to a lot of people but, I actually understood why people would hurt themselves and would consider committing suicide. The point of sadness is really unexplainable. It’s so intense and just so strong you would do anything to make it go away. When my thoughts started going here, I got scared, and I remembered my family. I mean, it didn’t cross my mind how they would feel if I was gone but how much I want to spend time of them and how much I love them.

So I decided to tell one of my sisters.

She was very receptive about it. I guess family would understand you more than you think. Our family isn’t perfect and I guess she understood partly why I was feeling that way so she gave me what she thought would help: access to therapy.

I am very lucky that I have a family who do their best to understand and maybe this is not the case for everyone. There would be times where people will tell you it’s all in your mind, that you’re not trying hard enough to be better or that it’s your fault. It’s not your fault, but it is up to you to get better.

When I told my sister, I agreed to see a therapist. And as hard as it was to go to my first appointment, it was very helpful. It helped me a lot more than I had expected. I’m not saying that what happened to me is how it happens to everyone or even that we are all experiencing the same thing but I’m hoping that this experience and story helps you.

To this day, yes, there are still days where I feel like “what’s the point?” There would be days where I would wake up and just feel sad and tired for no reason, but there is a point. Think about the people that you love, the point is to be with them, your goals? The point is to achieve them. Being diagnosed with not a very healthy mental health can be difficult, and that's the point; it is still "health" we have to take care of it. Maybe there’s a permanent fix for this or maybe there’s not, but there’s always a better day.