How Can I Continue?

I walked aimlessly in my yard, looking down at the green lush grass. My eyes rested on my toenails. The subtle shade of deep orange was fading, and it was apparent I needed to address my self-care needs. But I didn't care. My toes and beauty were the least of my worries. Besides, the polish just reminded me of that day...the memorial. And then, that day reminded me of yet another day I wanted to scream about...Stunned, I also walked alone in my yard because of (yet again,) yesterday's sudden, unexpected, unwanted change.

Losing my son this past Fall was a momentous blow to my soul. But my brother had been with me through that awful night, comforting me with his calm. That's what he did. His very presence calmed everyone in our family somehow. Now we would need to learn to live without that because he was gone only nine months later.

I had just begun learning (very slowly) to live without the unconditional love, support, encouragement, and sweet laughter that the void of my son's loss had left. Our family was still grieving painfully in their own ways and time. And now we had more painful lessons to conquer.

To make matters even worse, my sweet friend, my four-legged furry best friend died unexpectedly. It would have been time for our walks. He guided me in times/duties and gave me motivation. His brown eyes taught my heart that love was real. And he was always by my side. Always. Now I was outside, without his physical presence and his big topaz eyes. Lost. That was me...just lost.

So many thoughts and questions raced in my heart as I talked to God. I told Him I was hurting. I reminded Him that the word, "peace" meant nothing missing and nothing broken. And I asked Him where that peace was which He had promised? I told him that within a ten months' time frame that my son, my brother, and my beloved pet were now "missing" from me. So many blows. And I was totally broken. So "broken," so numb...tears weren't even coming. They had been exhausted...just like the rest of my soul and body and mind. Where is that peace, Lord? Why am I going through this? How will I ever be whole again?

I wasn't questioning His Providence or His plans. I did, in fact, take comfort knowing that which I missed was in a beautiful place, healed, and free, and happy. Gratefulness was resting well in a secure place within what was left of me. With that, my conversation ended.

As I walked up the steps to my front door, the Lord had not finished with our talk. Now it was my turn to "listen." He asked me to think of the attributes of my loved ones that I had mentioned...the ones that I missed so sorely. The calm, the comfort, the unconditional love, support, encouragement, joy, the guide, the motivator, the faithful and constant lover of my soul.

And then He said,

Daughter, those are my attributes. Yes, I gave them to you "physically" through them. It's true they are gone, but those attributes are still yours to keep. They are resting with Me now and when you need those things, I will be enough. Remember to worship me in Spirit. Nothing is missing and I am healing those broken places with My love. I will be enough. Your loved ones live within Me and that love never dies. Feel it now. You are loved.

I had been heard and nothing was really missing or broken. I understood. I had peace. It might take time to get my bridge repaired. I might have to revisit my conversation with God, but I will give myself the grace and time to continue this journey while on this side of Heaven.

Who knows, maybe soon I will give myself a pedicure...