HAVING BPD IS A BLESSING IN DISGUISE

Most people don’t know why their company means a lot to me or why I obsess about them. They don’t know that the only obsessive thought that kept me alive was the dream to escape my own MOM. That thought meant the world to me. So, I sacrifice anything for it. Your company means a temporary relief from mom’s racing thoughts. All this happens unknowingly to me in my subconscious mind. I am not even aware of it till today. I don’t know if I am healing or traumatizing myself to process my trauma. Going back to the topic, mom not only traumatized me with her words but she also traumatized me with her threatening looks (also also body language). I was scared for life (natural human instinct). So, my BPD subconsciously told me “she won’t kill me. My life is not in danger. Don’t loose your mind”. I didn’t know that I have such intense BPD. I guess the severity is proportional to amount of trauma. The more trauma you have, the severe your BPD manifests itself. So, though people traumatize me (as I unknowingly see my mom in everybody), I still kept going as I also see a friend in them. The irony is that, I see both a friend and enemy at the same time. I can split that rapidly. I am both mature and immature at the same time. When mom was passing rude (or unpleasant) judgements on me, my subconscious mind tried to numb me from the pain. As a defense, I pretend to not hear certain things you say to me. You would think that I don't obey the rules. But you were not aware of the constant emptiness in me. I can't control my impulses. For regular people, eating food is like listening to music. For me, eating food meant a huge distraction to the trauma that I craved for (subconsciously). So, I eat so fast. You wouldn't understand why I eat like I was starving for 10 days.

I traumatize myself for you but at the same time I need you the most. I unknowingly encourage codependence by giving too many details about my life very quickly. I let you control me. You wouldn't understand that I was seeing my mom in you. She terrified me everyday. All she did was control me. In her psycho brain, she had to yell to be a mom. Because she is very greedy, she did the yelling each and every minute. I was also subconsciously saying things for her to control me. I didn't even know how stupid I had been all my life. In short, she dedicated her entire life to HURTING her child and I couldn't grow mentally. In her psycho brain, she justified her actions and convinced me all these years whenever my underdeveloped brain tried to question. Yes, I am so stupid. As I also see a friend in her, I was complaining about her to HER. I didn't even have common sense. Naturally any psycho (or regular person too) defends themselves. So, I was believing her and justified my racing thoughts. As I see mom in others too, I snitch about mom. Their moms are so nice with them. So, they gave me hate too (instead of addressing my intense sadness that I was trying to communicate). So, I could never grow mentally.

I am a 5 year old child who didn't even know that my brain stopped growing at 5 till I turned 30. But I am feeling sad and happy at the same time. Yes, BPD is a big blessing to survive the trauma as it was also showing me the positive side (for example, it helped me see a FRIEND in my psycho MOM to survive trauma). Because all I know is sadness, I am now going to find happiness in little things in life (much more than regular people). I am experiencing fearless in being honest for the first time in my life. I am subconsciously very manipulative (and say things that mom wanted to hear). At the same time, I get tired of being manipulative and overcompensate it with over-honesty (there is no middle ground for me). This confuses people a lot. The peace of information I missed all these days is "communication". The solution to my problem (to grow up) is to be HONEST.

I know that I will display the trauma behaviors in future too but now that I accept myself, I will not punish myself anymore. In short, I am not going to fixate, feel guilty, or get stuck in the past. Everybody’s bravest moment is to face themselves and accept themselves for who they are. Yes, you are your own invisible enemy. Only honesty will make you face your brave self. You will understand happiness when you are as honest as I am.

I know all my strengths and weakness and I proudly own them. I forgive myself for my weaknesses as I also know that I am a HUMAN BEING. I am looking forward to facing all my fears/weaknesses and learning from them.

To give an example:

I was 5 years old. I tied the two legs of a chick and threw it over a wall. It tried to keep itself alive with its defenses (flapping wings before falling down, etc.). I did it two more times and then intensely regretted for my actions. I felt guilty. This tells me that BPD can unknowingly make me evil too but the inherent human in me empathizes with every living being’s pain. There could be things like this in your life too. I accept that I was evil and I will never be evil anymore.

So, finally, I will try to make a conscious effort to be in the present but will not traumatize myself if I couldn’t do it at all times. I actually give myself credit to make it so far in life after everything I have been through. Likewise, I am also not going to pity myself anymore. Now, when I can switch my thinking around and find happiness finally, why are you all traumatizing yourself everyday (with guilt, fixations, anger)?

Why did escaping mom mean the world to me? Because humans inherently crave happiness. But, my dream (happiness) didn’t come true when I left mom. My dream didn’t even come true today (the trauma is very much ruling my life as I see mom in everybody). But I know that my dream will come true one day. That day, I am not going to be affected by racing thoughts that I constantly have. I found the purpose of my life is to TRY to be the MOM that I craved to have. I feel very confident that I can push myself for it as much as I humanly can. This is because, I know how exactly a human should not treat another human.

I actually came to the conclusion that being fearless is the solution to my TRAUMA a few times already. But I didn't realize that I was getting stuck in trauma after trauma unknowingly in my subconscious (like a spider web). I didn't know that I hardly live in the present. You will easily catch me stare at certain things while thinking about something else (absent-mindedly). When I realized how much I am damaged, I feel that I should work on myself urgently. That includes taking a medical leave for my job that is unknowingly traumatizing me. For regular people, their job is part of their life. But I also see my mom in my job (much the same way I saw her in books, teachers, and classes). So, job is traumatizing me. I try to focus but some racing thought or the other of mom leads me to a different world. I can't focus. I have a bad work ethic. It is not my fault but I also don't want to blame the people who hired me. In the beginning, I display the people pleasing behaviors, become manipulative, work very hard for interview and trick them into thinking that I will do the best job. Soon, my trauma takes over and I can't focus. Sometimes, when I connect with the subject matter (like math content developer job or math professor job), I do a great job. That is also another plus because of my BPD. But on the flip side, because of trauma, I can get tired of HAVING TO FOCUS everyday. I will sooner or later get tired of every job. With my fear of rejection, I try to quit before they fire me. I see FIRING as FAILING in exam (most dreaded fear). Yes, I see my mom in EVERYTHING. But I am only coming to reality now (as I am typing this). Sorry if I am somewhat repetitive. I am processing NOW while typing this.

So, this is what my traumatized brain is telling:

You worked so hard for that job. Didn't you sleep at midnight and wake up at 4 am on most days (especially during your college)? It is hard for regular people to do a masters degree in math. But, of all the people, you did it. Yes, 5 year old child could do a masters degree in math. This is what will happen when humans push themselves to any extent. So, there is some functioning intelligence in you. Why don't you give yourself another try?

And, this is what my underdeveloped rational mind is telling to me:

Take a break from working. You are not like other people with jobs. They don't have a psycho mom. You could have been fine if you just had BPD. Your bad luck is that you have both BPD and a very toxic mother. So, you are 4000 times more damaged than regular people. Work is keeping you from growing up as you are again facing your mom through it. Your emotional needs were destroyed by your mom. Practice regulating emotions at least for 2 years. That is when you will stop seeing your mom in everybody. You can think about job later.

So, I am very indecisive BUT VERY HONEST.