I can't process what I have been through

I am probably the only one in this entire world who has Peter Pan Syndrome (PPS), complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), anxiety, and depression.

Do you know how hard it is to process when all the people that you interacted with thought you are crazy?

My parents thought they were not yelling at me enough and terrified me by over-doing the yelling. Because of mom's helicopter parenting, I developed Peter Pan Syndrome (PPS). Nobody was nice with me. Mom kept harassing me. She has a lot of anxiety and is very impatient. She was taking all of it on me by faulting me each and every minute. I had a very low self esteem because of her. Unable to withstand the high amount of trauma, my little body developed a defense mechanism : putting me in a bubble. My mind tricked me into thinking that nobody could see or hear me when I am in the bubble. So, for any small amount of trauma, I go into my bubble. I appear nervous and unapproachable. That is my body's automatic defense to mom. Because she over-did the yelling and faulted me each and every minute, I traumatize myself when someone makes me feel guilty. I self blame way too much. I keep splitting each and every minute.

Because of the magnitude of childhood trauma, I have severe BPD. Because of that, school was hard for me. I was forced to sit at a place and constantly look at books. Grandparents forced me too. Grandmother was super mean with me and joined mom in gaslighting me. I only focused on grades and nothing else. That is how I was shaped. I knew nothing else (I was very naïve and innocent). So, I studied all the time. I used to self-punish myself when I couldn't keep up the grades. In 9th grade, I developed complex PTSD because of the stress. When my grandma told something mean about my dad, and because I knew nothing else (other then studying), I thought that grandma was going to ruin my 'focus'. Because I see the world in black and white forms, I thought that I would never be able to 'focus' anymore. Till then, I found my joy in getting all A grades. Suddenly (out of nowhere) , I started self-blaming myself that I might not 'focus'. This overthinking (self-blame) grew too deep to the point that I traumatized myself. I have constant racing thoughts. When I tried controlling my racing thoughts now, I am slowly able to see the reality.

I have no control over my impulses because of BPD. The teachers couldn't understand that and I used to frequently get punished for being disruptive. If I love something/somebody, I obsesses over it/them and want to spend as much time as possible with it/them. This is my body's defense : obsess over happiness. My tiny body constantly craved for happiness. I just now realized how dark my life has been all these years. I never woke up happy after that day in my 9th grade. I self-blamed myself to that magnitude. On top of that (because of mom), whenever somebody makes me feel guilty, I automatically think that it is my fault. I then traumatize myself (racing thoughts) with my self-blame. This self-blame continues till now. There is not a single day in my life that I did not feel guilty for something or the other. Remember, mom made me feel guilty each and every day and exponentially tortured me from my 11th grade. I ruminate over past incidents over and over again. Because nobody likes me, I self-talk a lot. Usually when I am alone, my body feels a little comfortable and I self-talk. In public, I go back into my bubble because I traumatize myself constantly. It would be me who decides whom to approach, not you. I am that unapproachable (always in my bubble).

My tiny body's defense mechanism is to constantly crave for a partner to share my 'feelings about mom' with. The trauma was enormous from my 11th grade when my grades started falling. She tortured me each and every minute. Because I see the world in 'Black and While' (because of BPD), when my grades started falling, I gave up on studying completely. She traumatized me each and every minute. So, my tiny body constantly craves for company to withstand the trauma. I bond very easily with you. If you are a girl, I will bond with you easily over conversation. If you are a man, I will bond with you easily over sex or conversation. When I slowly get a little comfortable with you, my racing self-blaming thoughts return and I go into my bubble. To withstand my mother, when I go in that bubble, I repeatedly begged her to forgive me. So, when I get comfortable with any person, I go into my bubble and self-blame (thinking that I didn't do one thing or the other right). I keep replaying incidents that just happened and find a way to self-blame in one or the other recent incidents. I always live in the past. Either it could be a horrible memory of mom OR one or the other recent incidents that I self-blame obsessively about what I should have done right. During that time of self-blame and going into the bubble (because I used to beg my mom), I exhibit people pleasing behavior. I unknowing become your submissive. I would become nervous or excited around you. Either way, I would want to say something that you want to hear. I never defend my thoughts (This is because of my body's defense mechanism to mom to survive the vast amount of trauma). Then I live more for you than for myself because of my body's craving: happiness. I constantly craved happiness to escape the magnitude of trauma. I TRAUMATIZE MYSELF FOR THE LITTLE BIT OF HAPPINESS YOU GIVE ME. MY DARK TRAUMATIZED BODY CRAVES YOU : HAPINESS. Then, I would sacrifice anything for you. But then I quickly get bored of you sooner or later and impulsively leave you (if you didn't already leave me by then).

As I keep living in the past (mom traumatized me by repeatedly reliving the recent past incidents that she was unhappy about) and found something or the other to self blame, I never woke up a single day happy. I repeatedly obsessed over my first boyfriend. He brought me so much joy as his treatment of me was the opposite of mom's treatment. He was the first person who brought me a lot of joy after my 9th grade. But because I have Peter Pan Syndrome (from her helicopter parenting) and Borderline Personality Disorder, I was both immature and impulsive at the same time. To make it worse, I had a lot of anxiety (directly induced from mom). Yes, I am the world's most unluckiest person. My mom always took out her anxiety by blaming me repeatedly for the things that were not my fault. She found even greater joy when she does it in front of others (dad, grandparents, aunts, anybody). Because of this, I constantly assume that I am guilty for something or the other (I have such a cursed life). But because of my BPD, I can't hold my impulses. So, I do whatever I want to do anyways. This makes me the world's most saddest person. He couldn’t put up with my impulses, immaturity, anxiety and left me. I couldn't tolerate the fear of abandonment. I was very jealous when he was dating someone else. I frantically tried to get him back. I wrote bad things about him and mailed his new girlfriend in hopes that they would break up. I know, I am horrible.

It is one thing if you have BPD or a Toxic mother. But it is a new dimension of torture if you have both. So, from my 11th grade, the torture reached its exponential levels because of my dropping grades. My grades were dropping both because of PTSD and BPD. But with her increasingly anxious panic attacks (every day) on me, constant gaslighting, belittling of me, I have a very low self esteem. I never thought that I did anything right. But something or the other motivates me to get through each day (irrespective of self-blame). For almost all days in my life, my motivation to get through the next day is 'getting good grades to show mom'. I was terrified by her. I traumatize myself over grades and go into a bubble every so often. Because of my fear of abandonment (BPD) and my body's constant craving for happiness (to resist the second-to-second trauma), I quickly fall in love with you and obsesses over you. I would want to spend as my time as possible with you. My tiny traumatized little heart constantly craves for the little bit of happiness you give me to withstand the horrible trauma (constant racing thoughts). Because of that, I both obsesses over you and also constantly want to share with you my 'traumatizing' thoughts about mom (my traumatized little heart finds peace in that). So, as soon as I get comfortable with you, my Peter Pan Syndrome (immaturity, lacking boundaries) kicks in. PTSD kicks in and people-pleasing behaviors (fawning) kick in. (These are learnt behaviors. Mom was watching me all the time second-to-second. So, though I hate her, she was my comfort zone and I learnt these behaviors (Peter Pan, PTSD)).

off topic: I have been through a lot. I am constantly on fight or flight just like PTSD military soldiers. On top of having BPD and not being able to do good at school, my traumatizing study-obsessed narcissistic toxic mother caused me to develop complex PTSD. I always have racing thoughts and the only thing that motivates me to move forward with life is LIFE. I don't want to die. So, I obsesses over my job.

So, when I think that I need you to share my dark thoughts surrounding me, I traumatize myself to display the people-pleasing behaviors because I need you. I identify my self image in you. Soon, as I get comfortable I obsessively talk about mom or go to my comfort zone that I had around mom (Peter Pan Syndrome). I suddenly become immature and expect you to pamper me.

So, In college, I was always in my bubble because the stress of academics was too much for me to handle (because of PTSD). I was hardly functional. Other than studies and grades, nothing else was in my mind. Because my rational mind did not develop, I automatically either talk about mom or talk to you the same way I talked to mom. I used to "show-off" to mom all the time because she was a helicopter parent. Yes, that's my bad luck. I have BPD, mother is mentally retarded with restless anxiety, and on top of that, she was a helicopter parent. I had to show-off something or the other each and every minute OR self-praise myself to resist the heat from her body (my body’s desperate attempt to protect me from her). I had nobody to go to because everybody made me feel guilty for hating my mom instead of validating my burning feelings in my heart. I never validated my own feelings and became manipulative (another defense). I never trusted my own feelings because of all these stupid people who made me feel guilty for expressing my genuine sorrow. I was made to think that my sadness was not REAL.

I exhibit 'show-off' behavior in my comfort zone because my body assumes that it is with mom. This drives people away. Either the peter-pan (immaturity, show-off), BPD (forming bonds quickly due to fear of abandonment or mood swings), or PTSD (constantly wanting to talk about mom) appears all the time in my comfort-zone. I can only maintain my appearance the very first time I meet you. My brain is traumatized to that extreme that it immediately tricks me into thinking that you are the comfort person that it wants to share its deeply sorrowful feelings about the traumatizer: ITS OWN MOTHER. So, my behaviors in comfort zone and how quickly I trust them DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY. Nobody's life is more cursed than mine. This is what will happen when the person who is supposed to LOVE you treats you like her ENEMY.