Habits are hard to break

I’m sorry.

Knee-jerk reaction for a lot of people is to say stop saying sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for but in the back of some people’s heads there’s the voice that says “oh, I’ll give you something to be sorry about.” Or when you speak out and share your opinion on something or speak up for yourself against something there’s that natural inclination to say sorry because we as women are supposed to cognizant of other people’s feelings. We’re supposed to bear that weight in mind before we speak.

After living with an abusive partner for years I learned to be sorry for merely existing. I was sorry when he cheated on me. I was sorry when he got violent. I was sorry when he yelled. I was sorry when he threatened to kill me. I was sorry all the time.

His footsteps fall heavy on the floor

I know he’s angry

I cower in bed

I know what’s coming

I’m lazy, I’m fat and useless

I can’t do anything right

I should have just died

He screams at me

Slamming doors

Curling up away from me

Yet part of me craves the affection

the kind side of him that’s hidden

I lived for the kind moments. The laughter and good times. I craved those. They were few and far between. They were tainted.

I didn't give him enough attention - that's what he told me. I wasn't spontaneous enough. I wouldn't show up naked under a trench coat to his job for him but his coworker would. He had me apologizing because I wouldn't do that for him. I apologized for being upset that he talked with an ex about a sex dream they had about him in detail. I apologized for being upset that he didn't stay faithful. I apologized. I was sorry because somehow everything was my fault.

I apologized for being happy on days that he was upset. For smiling and laughing because I was laughing and mocking him. I'm sorry. All those sorry's fell on deaf ears but still I apologized over and over again. I was sorry that he couldn't trust me around my family because they put ideas in my head. I was sorry that he couldn't trust me around my friends because they were trying to tear us apart. I was sorry.

He had me trying to piece together my life like it was a jigsaw with pieces missing. When it finally ended I still didn't know which way was up or down. He still remained part of my life even after he sexually assaulted me. He claimed he was asleep and couldn't remember doing it. I believed him and apologized for thinking he would do that to me. I APOLOGIZED. It took him raping me a year later, me standing up for myself and him distorting the truth to our mutual friends for me to realize. I didn't need to apologize anymore. Not to him.

I didn't need him in my life. Whatever hold he had over me broke when reality came crashing in after that incident. His stories caught up to him and several people cut ties. I was done. He wasn't going to get anymore I'm sorry's from me.

But now years have passed and I can't seem to shake the I'm sorry habit. My fiancé has been understanding but I find myself apologizing to him when he's upset even when the anger is not directed at me. I find myself apologizing for crying or showing emotion around him. I apologize for saying my opinion at times. I apologize for my shortcomings.

I hope one day when my healing journey comes to a close that those I'm sorry's become reserved for the times that they are actually needed. I hope that I stop apologizing for speaking my truth because as painful as it is to put it out there...it's what I need to do.

As always thank you for walking this journey with me.