Chaotic Emotions

I may not have my children here on earth with me but I am a mother. I carry them with me in my heart and they walk through life with me. I have a memorial tattoo on my left foot that represents people I have lost through flowers. I have four blue forget me nots that represent my children. Sadly, I have more flowers to get tattooed on my body. My other foot a blank canvas soon to be covered in beauty of more people who are no longer here with me but who will continue to walk through this life with me.

Mother's Day is always a difficult day - it's bittersweet. I celebrate my Mom, stepmother and other mother's in my life. I don't expect people to wish me a Happy Mother's Day but for people who haven't lost children they don't realize when they state that they're the only mother there or when you have kids you'll understand or just other statements of that sort...they don't realize how deeply those statements hurt. I have kids, I have heard their heartbeats, I have gone through the morning sickness, aversions to foods, weird cravings and I have gone through the loss.

The excruciating pain of loss both physically and emotionally. I stopped telling anyone that I was pregnant because of loss. I try not to get excited or to have hope because of my losses. I had pictures of my baby bumps that I erased in a moment of absolute heartbrokenness, I thought in that moment that future me would not be able to handle stumbling upon the image of me smiling touching my belly - remembering the life growing inside - remembering the loss but little did past me know that when I close my eyes I still remember. I see that me perfectly standing there smiling being blissfully happy with the baby boy growing inside.

My first miscarriage happened when I was 17. I wasn't prepared and the father and I grieved that loss but as terrible as it was decided that it was probably for the best. My second miscarriage - I hadn't even realized I was pregnant until I was sitting on a toilet hemorrhaging. My third miscarriage was when I was 20, I was three and a half months along and I had gone a date that ended in me being raped and beaten, I remember trying to protect my stomach and apologizing over and over to my child that I was sorry. My fourth miscarriage was when I was 26 at the time I was devastated but now I'm thankful that I don't have a child attaching me to my ex because that was a toxic relationship.

I have been pregnant three times after being raped and miscarried every single one. As horrific as it is to say it, I am thankful that those three were taken from me because I don't think I could have done it. I was so emotionally unavailable and an absolute mess.

My most recent miscarriage was heartbreaking for both me and my significant other. We believe it was due to the stress and demands of our job and drama that was going on in that situation. Besides all of the external things at work, I have internal battles to fight. I have a clotting disorder that tries to kill me and will try to kill any life that grows inside of me. I am a high risk and that breaks my heart.

I am a mother.

Those who know me - I adopt people as my children and I try to give them all the love I have stored up inside of me. I love my friends kids and my families children as though they were my own. I have all of this love to give and maybe that's my purpose. Maybe I'm not meant to have children of my own - maybe I'm just here to shower other people's children with my love.

I don't know. Maybe one day I will understand why all of this has happened. Thank you to everyone who has stuck around on my journey. Thank you for supporting my voice. Thank you for being here.