Going No Contact With A Narcissist.
Get off the cycle and take it seriously.
Narcissists follow the same cycle repeatedly, and the only way you can get out of that cycle is to go no contact and make sure they can not contact you again.
“A lot of walking away will do your life good” — Dodinsky.
Narcissists and other toxic types of people can not handle being ignored, often dependent on attention and admiration, except for sociopaths (people with an anti-social personality disorder) who elicit admiration solely for the sport.
This narcissistic dependency causes them to go through new people constantly, and when their supply runs out, they hoover to recycle old supply.
Narcissistic abuse causes many mental, emotional, and physical symptoms that resemble CPTSD. These symptoms include some of the following.
Narcissistic abuse is a pattern of manipulation, control, emotional and sometimes physical abuse, denial, blame, justification, and isolation. Healing from narcissistic abuse is near impossible as long as the narcissist can keep the wounds from healing.
Learning to protect yourself from narcissistic abuse by setting boundaries and practising the gray rock method, further discussed below, can help when you have no choice but to stay in contact.
I have a new phone number, new email address, no Facebook or any social media, and doing my best to change my address.
There is no way under any circumstances that I want to see or hear from my narcissistic abuser and his flying monkeys ever again.
I’m a single mother of five children, and uplifting us is not a practical option. This situation means that the only way my abuser can contact me is by turning up at my home.
“A narcissist only returns again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. And that is the ONLY reason” — Zari Ballard.
Narcissists do not care how many weeks, months, or years have passed; they will constantly return as long as you let them. If you genuinely want to leave the abuse cycle, you must make sure you are not available.
I had considerable support from my family, midwife, nurses at the special care baby unit (SCBU), doctor, social workers, a counsellor, and police. None of the support I got was as valuable as going no contact and getting educated about IPV (Intimate Partner Violence) and narcissism.
I am in a very fortunate position with protection and parenting orders against my narcissistic abuser. Though the orders don’t prevent him from trying to return, I can phone the police when he does, not that they’re much use against a narcissist, to be entirely honest.
I’m determined to improve the system that protects children and families from domestic violence, but still in the stages of exploring how that might work. In the meantime, ongoing research and writing about narcissism is helping me develop ideas to meet this commitment.
Some people have no choice but to continue contact with a narcissist. People in this position include those court-ordered to keep their children in touch with their narcissistic parents and parents of adult narcissists. Similar situations might occur where a close friend or family member continues to contact their narcissistic abuser.
Family, friend, work, or hobby connections to a narcissist are not enough of an excuse to maintain contact. Many family members of narcissists have gone no contact and benefitted greatly from making that choice.
When contact is necessary, the grey rock method of communication is recommended. The grey rock method broadly encompasses the following:
- Speak only if necessary.
- Make your points clearly, succinctly, and with little to no emotion.
- Do not react.
- Take time to respond to any non-verbal communication.
- You do not have to respond to anything they say unless absolutely necessary.
- No sharing any personal thoughts, emotions, or any details whatsoever.
Meredith Miller at Inner Integration suggests trying responses such as, "could be", "you believe what you will", and "I hear that is your opinion". I can't find the video where Meredith explains the use of such responses, but the following is another great one about the gray rock technique:
I also highly recommend Duane at Dad Surviving Divorce for more information, he was immense support for me during the family court process. The following is a playlist including a live discussion with viewers on no contact or as Duane calls it, Hybrid No Contact:
I can’t imagine having a close friend or family member with NPD and having to remain in their lives. It’s sad to think of it that way for the narcissist.
Imagine having a mental illness with no specific treatment, and one that places everyone near them at risk of developing their own mental illness, like being contagious.
Most likely, the narcissist’s lack of empathy, remorse, and insight into the effects of their behaviour protects them from comprehending that their narcissism is effectively scaring people away in the long term.
As unkind as it may seem, the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself and the narcissist is to go no contact.
If you are struggling to get away from a narcissist or heal from narcissistic abuse, it may be necessary to get outside support. Police, counsellors, and family violence support services are trained and experienced professionals who can help you get the right support and protection.
Thank you for reading.
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