Glimpses of Myself: The Discovery, The Origin, and The Resolve

To understand my resolutions, you need to know the story behind them.

I have made progress over the past few weeks; I have consciously recognized that part of me believes I'm not good enough.

But what lead to this discovery? Why do I believe this? What do I resolve to do?

The discovery: For me, I found the belief lurking beneath the musings I wrap around myself when I need reassurance. Maybe you have these comforting musings, too?

Mine say things like I AM good enough, people just overlook or forget about me because I'm an introvert.

Mine are even rational, reasoning that I keep to myself and don’t put myself out there. How can I be resentful when people don’t notice me when I made it difficult for them to see me?

There might be some truth to these musings of mine...but why do I need them? Why am I giving myself cushioned excuses?

Over the past few years, I have been adapting to the world of a working adult. After graduating with a master's degree and entering the workforce, I thought I was set. I expected to be, really, as I think many graduates do. Then, my first teaching position was cut. Then, my second teaching job did not rehire me. Then, keeping my third position required that I go back to school (and take 18 course hours in a single summer).

Now, I can look at my experiences and see how one prepared me for the next. I’m still in my third teaching position. I went back to school, added two new endorsements to my license, and then finished my 4th degree.

Even so, I think I’m still bracing for the next yank of the rug.

When I was not asked to come back two years in a row, it was devastating emotionally. It was devastating in a way that I’ve known was familiar, I just haven’t been able to understand how.

On the surface, it all looked like a bump in the road. While I wasn’t asked back and had to search for a new position, I had positive recommendation letters from my superiors. I was not told that I did anything wrong. My peers liked me. I found new position each time.

Below the surface though, I felt defeated. I felt rejected. What could I have done differently? It was something I did, right? Something that could be fixed?

Or was it me or something about me? Yes, I questioned my personality (INFJ, by the way)

When I did find another position, I found it difficult to relax and to let my guard down. I feared that if I let my guard down, if I wasn’t perfect, if I ruffled any feathers, that I wouldn’t be asked back the next year. Again. And if I wasn’t braced for the yank, then I’d fall that much harder, right?

Was the real problem that I wasn’t good enough?

Aside from initially finding a sense of stability, the most difficult aspects of my job have been ones that I had not thought to anticipate. Primarily, pleasing and playing nice with difficult-to-like-but-important-to-like co-workers. So, in addition to feeling insecure, I’ve had to learn how to navigate the politics, fake being nice, bite my tongue, and how to bottle up (not share!) my feelings (at least not those feelings). It seems that passive aggression and insincerity are important languages in the workplace. Languages that I still don’t know to speak.

Cue my musings, the comforting thoughts that would help me rationalize away feelings of being looked over, passed by, or gossiped about.

It’s enough to put a person on edge.

In addition to feeling on edge, I have noticed that I am so very jealous. Not of everyone, but of two teachers around my age: two teachers who are my equals, but whom I desperately want to see as inferiors. Why? Why does this matter? Why do I need to feel this way?

The Origins: This isn’t about my job though. I’m just providing context. This is about that devastating feeling. This is about my belief that I’m not good enough. This is about how I finally pieced together events in my life that look different but feel familiar.

This is about how we can sometimes recognize things in others but seem blind to those same parts of ourselves. This is about tuning in to the feelings that others stir up inside of us and using them to direct self-discovery and healing.

This is about jealousy and how revealing jealousy can be.

Jealousy is weird. It's an ugly feeling. It's an urge to collect and distribute garbage about other people. But who does that make look trashy? You. It's feeling some glee in another's disappointment. It's not a way that I want to feel. I don’t want to be jealous. I don’t want to resent someone for their accomplishments, but I do. I do because it’s easier than addressing what I really feel: not good enough.

I've been sitting with these feelings for a few years now. I've looked at them. I've known that I was jealous. I’ve noticed the resentment. I've been aware that I would look for (and find) flaws in others and feel some type of relief. Feelings like Ah ha! You aren't better than me! would appear but under the surface. I was more aware of wanting to feel as if I was better than them the fact that I felt as if I wasn’t.

But then I started to notice how desperate one of these co-workers seemed for attention: at work, on social media, in staff meetings, etc. I felt the urge to roll my eyes whenever another session of the Sarah Show would begin.

It's ridiculous. I thought. It's sad, I logically knew, for an adult to need this much attention.

One day, it clicked. I pieced together the things she would say about her dad with the over-the-top need for attention. Then it made sense, like color flowing into a black and white image. She has a need for a lot of attention. She needs outward approval and praise.

When a child is unable to get the attention they need at home, then turn to other places for that attention. As a teacher, I know this. I deal with it every day.

When reframed like this, the annoying domination of staff meetings, the membership in multiple clubs, and the reaching into territory that I want to claim as mine is not a threat to me. Obviously, it has nothing to do with me. So, why am I perceiving it this way?

If I saw this type of behavior in one of my students, I would be patient with them. I would look at the behavior with understanding and compassion.

We don’t look at adults through the same lens that we use to look at children. The lens we use for children somehow softens us and even makes us wiser.

Perhaps the same can be said for the lens we use to view other people and the lens use to we view ourselves.

When I look at my co-worker, I can see that she is an adult still dealing with some trauma from her childhood. What I missed, though, is that I am, too.

It’s easier to see ugliness and brokenness in other people. Why? Because it’s safer. It’s their problem. We can help them, if we care to and if they allow us, but we don’t have to. If we don’t know how to help them, then we just assume someone else will.

When it’s us, well. That’s different. We don't want to see it. We fight seeing it.

Once I connected it for her, I connected it for myself as well. I knew why that feeling was familiar; I knew what that feeling was and where it came from.

One of the things that I know to be truly detrimental is for a child to be rejected by a parent. Even if they reconcile later in life, even if wounds are bandaged and boo boos kissed, even if everyone says they are sorry and hug, it still hurts. It still matters. Damage has still been done.

What I’ve realized, yet again, is how deep the roots of trauma can penetrate and how wide they can spread. You can believe that you have processed and dealt with something, only for it to pop up years later and reveal that the work isn't quite done.

Trauma impacts you, your personality, your being, how you handle things, and how you perceive things. It even shapes the relationships you go on to have.

Trauma has a ripple effect throughout the rest of our lives.

When my father let five years go by without reaching out to me, that mattered. I noticed that. Sure, I may have let his calls go to voicemail, but I would have seen the call and eventually listened to the message. I may have not come out to see him when he came by to get my siblings, but a letter or message sent would have been received. I may have hurt his feelings, but his actions from over 15 years ago still bring tears to my eyes when I think about them. That's all you need to know. I didn't get his love and attention and I needed it.

Five years and no birthday cards. No calls. Nothing.

The events of my teen years left a deep impression on my subconscious. I know that because even though amends have been made, I still deal with the roots of the trauma.

During those years, a lot happened. I experienced a lot of feelings. I couldn’t deal with all of them at once. As often is the case during a traumatic time, I pushed some of them down to process later. Years later, when I wasn’t asked to come back to my first teaching job, and them to my second teaching job, those feelings came up again. And again. They came out on the skirt tails of a new event where they could disguise themselves as something else. They had already been pushed down. They knew my tricks; now it was time to show me some of theirs.

Here's something to know about suppressed emotions: A seemingly unrelated situation tugs a few feelings to the surface and others follow, one magician’s hankie after the other.

He made me feel like I wasn’t worth the gesture of sending a birthday card. Or making a phone call. Or sending a text message. Definitely not worth fighting for. And if your own father thinks that about you...

Then, I started to wonder if maybe I wasn’t good enough to be a teacher…

Luckily in his absence, I had a step-dad. I believe that was my saving grace. A man who had no obligation to do so raised me as his own and loved me anyway. He loved me despite.

The Resolve: So, what is my resolution?

What is it that I resolve to do?

To remember where the voice that tells me that I'm not good enough comes from (and that it isn't right because he wasn't right).

To remember that healing takes time and that feelings don’t just disappear.

To recognize that sometimes un-resolved feelings from past traumas might make later events feel more traumatic.

To recognize that humans are complex, emotional beings. We are more alike in our constitutional makeup than we are different.

But mostly, I resolve to look back into my reflection when I see glimpses of myself in other people.