For the First Time

I’ve nearly lost my home twice due to my bad decisions, the universe kept throwing me signs that I was neglecting the issues but I’ve never been good at listening. I used the medicine to drown out all of my issues, then dwell on the past and how I used to be abusive and use people. I knew they sat in my living room and ate with me in the kitchen, but I was afraid to kick the habits cause I didn’t want to believe all of my addictions.

I couldn’t stand to look in the mirror I was angry with its reflection, it wasn’t who I wanted it to be and my emotions was blocking all of my blessings. Then I started sleeping with depression, kissing with alcohol and medicine, suppression of my intentions made me look like a false image of my reflection. Living life without protection, I nearly ended it all like f it....

Until nearly the end, the light showed me where I can begin, it started with finding myself back with my notes and pen, letting it flow through me giving me good vibrations. I learned about my power through the reflection of my thoughts, what I can do better and learning how it all went wrong, I had to step back in the high water I can’t swim oh lord. I wanted to know where my demons lied, so I went to find them it was a scary ride, then demons got me in the beginning but now I’ve a guide, and I use it to my best abilities so I don’t surrender when temptations high.

I never done this before but I’ve made a list goals, they made me nervous but I remember when use to budge and fold, but I don’t no more, I grabbed my dreams and I hold them close cause this year is broken down into mini goals that I am going after it’s execution year I’m following through mama I’m going back home. I made a promise and I am heading that way, wipe that tear from both our faces cause I’m on my way, to build the family I’ve dreamed of where the love’s one way, genuine and generous but nobody’s trying to push or shove.

The reflection I see is a reflection of wisdom and I smile at it, it’s hard to not smile with the life I have cause of what I have been through. I’ve been more conscious with the lessons I’ve learned. From near suicides, to near evictions, to self destruction to toxic addictions, I’m just so blessed to say I was able to LEARN from them and not just experience them for nothing. I don’t like when things repeat if they cause me sorrow. I only find ways to repeat my happiness now, not my bitterness. This year was decided before this year was blessed to me. It’s just executing and watching it unfold and I am ready for everything that’s coming my way.

I’ve learned that our faith is built in the midst of our struggles, and how we respond and prepare is the determining factor in how far we are able to go in life in regards to our wants, desires, and dreams.

I’ve learned how to embrace my struggles and not be afraid of them, they don’t define who I am today because I’ve grown past that life and I’ve found the peace from within. It’s made me a better person and I have life experience to know what it feels like, outside looking in is not where I choose to place myself in life. I deserve the happiness that I felt I didn’t at one point, I’m learning to find it everyday and thank the gods above for blessing me with the ability to take a moment.

I’ve gone through a lot to get here, I’ve overcome a lot of demons I didn’t want to face and didn’t know I had, but in order to find the honest answer, you must go to the source. I’m more than ready for everything this year, it’s been planned, now it’s executing.