Food Freedom

Summer for me tastes like freedom. Not just sunshine, beach days, road trips, and fun times. That kind of freedom is amazing, but this summer will taste like freedom to eat more, eat healthier—to have a healthy appetite. Because this summer I am in recovery from an eating disorder named ARFID. Most people haven't heard of ARFID (Avoidant restrictive food intake disorder).

According to WEBMD, Avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID) is an eating disorder similar to anorexia. Both conditions involve intense restrictions on the amount of food and types of foods you eat.

But unlike anorexia, people with ARFID aren’t worried about their body image, shape, or size. While ARFID doesn’t have to do with body image, it is having a lack of appetite and avoiding food in general.

People with ARFID can only eat specific foods, may be labeled as a picky eater and don’t have much of an appetite. We have "safe foods" that we don’t venture from.

ARFID starts as child and can continue to adulthood, it is usually onset by trauma. This is something I have struggled with most of my life but just came into my recovery journey last year after leaving a toxic marriage. So this summer tastes like freedom.

Soft foods have always been my preference: oatmeal, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and bananas. I eat pretty slowly and sometimes I rarely finish a meal. My attention just does not focus on my appetite. There are so many other things I could be doing instead of food. So much on my mind, so much to do . Eating for me is a task. My daily decisions circle around "What will I eat today?"

I wasn’t served meals as a child, my single mother lived with depression and didn’t cook and rarely ate herself. We didn’t have Sunday dinners or any dinners sitting at a kitchen table.

Fast food and junk food was my go to. As the only child at home, I ate TV dinners in my room and read books for my enjoyment.

Today, my breakfast of choice are 2 boiled eggs with apple slices and grapes.

Kid foods are my favorite as they are easy to eat in small portions : chicken nuggets, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and I enjoy pizza and cheeseburgers sometimes.

My picky eating has led to social anxiety with eating in public. It has led to friends making jokes and people asking "Why do you eat like that?" I have been pretty petite my whole life so while most people think I am on a dieting plan or following a fitness regime, I just naturally don’t eat much.

Food can be a touchy subject for some. A lot of people have issues with food--some love it, some hate it, some are scared to eat, some don’t care about food at all. Some use food as a form of control. Sometimes it’s the only thing we have control over in our lives.

Eating disorders are stigmatized in society but whether you eat too much or eat too little, it is considered disordered eating. Whether you binge food or starve yourself- it can be looked as a form of self harm.

In order to recover, we have to look within-- deep within, and get to the root of issues. For me, it was facing and healing from childhood trauma living in a dysfunctional household with an alcoholic mother. Facing feelings and feeling emotions I had stuffed inside. I was starving for love and starving for affection. The starvation and longing on the inside manifested on the outside as I lost 15 pounds within months after dealing with anxiety from escaping a narcissistic ex-husband.

For the last few months, I have focused on showing love to myself and my body. I have enjoyed food instead of not eating. With making my mental health and physical health a priority, I have learned about nutrition and how important it is to nourish our bodies. I have had sessions with a nutritionist and therapist and I have learned it's okay to seek help when you need it.

Right now I have been able to maintain my healthy weight of 126. In the throes of my eating disorder, I was down to 111--my lowest weight as adult, so maintaining my healthy weight is a major feat and accomplishment for me. So what's on my menu this summer? Happiness and healing.