Fighting Demons from the Past

I catch myself fighting demons from the past. One too many times, I catch myself listening to voices in my head. From time to time, I hear a whisper pondering in. This voice is not the voice of my daily thoughts and reflections. You know, the typical "We're going to have a good day today" or "should we add milk or no milk to our coffee this morning". This voice is a voice that wanders in my head from time to time. It makes an entrance slowly, smoothly, and agrees with me. That is until it speeds up its course and begins to get louder. The loudness soon turns into depths of emotions that begin to fill my body with a feeling that feels so familiar. A home away from home, because there is not a single reason as to why I could feel the depth of this voice.

I can't pinpoint when it begins nor where it ends. However, I can give you a vivid description of where it leads me. In a world where sometimes, it feels so weird and off to publicly share what one tends to hide under the rug. Especially with such heavy emotions, spaces that `might feel cold, and obscured. I decided to share this place where I get taken to by the voice that wanders in my head. In hopes that you too, can hear this voice. I hope there are others like me also learning how to navigate the voices and triggers in a positive light.

I have triggers. This voice knows them very well. More than I know them myself. I catch myself crying after sex because my partner did something that came naturally to him. Yet, my body decided to listen to that voice and physically took all of my senses back to a place where that same touch was once not welcomed. I catch myself mentally fighting my body and memory at once. A memory I had forgotten existed. I breathe in to ground myself into the present and divert from the past. However, by the time I am physically taken away, it is too late. Seeking for comfort, the desperation of air no longer running through my lungs, a voice that just replays and repeats unpleasant thoughts. My heart aches. I know better than to fight the urge of letting it all out.

After the trigger, the snowball effect comes into play. All of the bottled emotions I used to carry come out knowing they are not welcomed. It reminds me of how weak I once used to be, how quiet I really am, and how fragile things are. I am now in a place where genuine happiness resides within me. Growth, forgiveness, and healing have all taken place. Yet, they insist on pushing the wall. This is where it begins to be mind vs. matter. I like to call it demons vs. self.

I find myself fighting demons that never should have belonged to me. Demons I once burned bridges with and are trying to walk through the ashes. Within the ashes, you can find guilt that comes with pain that stings like a paper cut. If the voice becomes filled with static, it begins to taste similar to a sinking black hole of depression. Then I find myself canceling plans in order for me to fight these demons. A LOT of internal digging, loving, and caring needs to take place before I can pick up a glass of wine and ignore what's going on inside of me. I don't sink, cry with the voice, nor do I drink with it either. Not anymore.

I have been down this road before. I sit and fight. I've beat it one too many times, each time learning something different about who I am. I am whole on the surface but internally you'll find layers that are complex. I love my battles, my scars, my triggers, my depth-ness, and my stories. I have learned to love myself which is why the demons will never win. No matter how loud they get. Speak to yourself louder.