Fear

We all assume that a healthy sense of fear is good for you. Good for humans, mammals, what have you. The fear keeps you alive, keeps you going. That's the theory. And of course, too much fear would keep you from doing anything, at all.

When you're young it's the boogeyman. It's spiders or big dogs. Maybe thunderstorms or people yelling. When you're a young teen it's humiliation, it's failure, losing love, finding love, losing your parents, being alone.

When you're an adult, those fears, most of them remain the same. We worry about disappointing ourselves, our loved ones, those rooting for us. We worry about the politics, the laws, the things we have to deal with, to live within this world, in this country (wherever that may be).

We have to worry about money, survival, being healthy. The more unimportant issues that still plague us, what job do we get? Is it important? Does it pay well? Does it do anything for humanity? For my community? For me? Do I get married? Do I not? How do I find someone? If I do, do we have kids? In this world that is already overpopulated and dying? Do I adopt? Do I remain childless because it is really hard and expensive? What if I raise a terrible child? What if I am not a good mom?

Animals don't worry about these things, they procreate, they have the babies, they repopulate, they move on. We have to worry about such... inconsequential things. Of course, we ARE different than animals. Yes, we are mammals, but advanced, different, more intelligent than most. Sans Octopus and Dolphins (very intelligent according to us) but of course don't forget that 'if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree then it will forever think it is stupid' (supposedly by Albert Einstein but that is uncertain according to the web - it is by no means my words)

I really appreciate this thinking because for me it leads to the thought that if you do not learn in a 'traditional' way, then you are viewed as stupid, unintelligent, essentially a lost cause. But such thinking is judgmental and close-minded, it blocks creativity and innovation. But I digress. Fear, that is what this is about.

For the moment, in this instance, it is about my fear. The fear is so strong and terrible that I am hardly able to discuss it. Voicing it makes it far too real. And I am not strong enough to handle that. I know, right now, I am weak. What fear is it, that is gripping my throat, choking my ability to breathe? To speak?

The future.

Bit anticlimactic isn't it? Tons of people are afraid of the future, for whatever personal or worldly reasons. So why is it different for me? Maybe it isn't different. Maybe there are people who have the EXACT fears down to a T and we just miss each other.

Specifically about loss. I'm afraid of moving forward because I know, no matter what I do, eventually, everyone I love WILL die. And let me tell you, just typing that I have tears building in my eyes. I'm actually in class right now, and I am attempting to keep from bursting into hysterics over these thoughts. These horrible, inevitable thoughts. Facts.

I find myself unable to be excited about the future, the idea of buying a house, having children with my husband, any of this. Because with the future, with all of those good things, comes the bad things. Age, reality, death. I can't talk about it. Not with my husband, not with friends or my sisters, not with the person who I am terrified of losing. I haven't told my therapist. No one.

Because again, voicing it, discussing it, makes it too real, too upsetting. I'm in knowing denial. I KNOW. but I am pushing it back, I am ignoring it because I don't know how else to handle it. Which I'm sure. Most people would agree is a terrible thing to do, it won't help me, I'm not fixing the issue. I'm not confronting it.

So what does that leave me with? It leaves me with distracting myself constantly. Ignoring it, pushing it away.