Scared of Being Scared part #2

It isn't easy to admit someone's faults nor is it easy to admit mistakes someone else has made that affected you. Coming to terms with the pain those closest to you have caused you in the past is probably one of the hardest emotional things I have ever had to do. I still don't know if I am going down the right path - but it is the only path I see right now so I will trek until another option may become available to me.

Family is and has always been severely important to me - so when relationships are broken or breaking it feels like actual pain I am experiencing when I consider the relationships I've lost, the ones that broke, the ones I'll never be able to repair. Be it my fault or not, those losses still leave a scar; some of them are even visible to strangers that walk by me on the street or in the store. Some scars I cannot hide no matter how hard I try.

I am discovering, much to my dismay, that there are quite a few big events I have entirely disassociated from. But of course, doing that doesn't make it go away, at least not forever, no. Eventually, it will return with a vengeance, a personal one against me. So much to the point that it is causing these panic-induced black-outs, something so far I haven't been unable to control, they're becoming more and more often to the point where it has become a monthly event now.

I find myself tracking everything to do with my health, my heart rate, my sleep schedule, watching what I eat a lot more closely now. But that is only half the battle, the rest of it is buried within my mind. Things I have to come to terms with, things I have to accept and move on from so that it DOESN'T plague my life anymore. CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy; especially for someone who has CPTSD - Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

It is going to take a lot more bravery from me than I originally assumed, understanding from those around me as I learn to live with this/attempt to eliminate it from my life altogether. I am also realizing that I am inadvertently taking on other peoples' stress, and for my sake, I need to stop it. I need to care for myself in a way I have never done before, so that I AM able to care for others, for the ones I truly care for.

You can't help someone stop bleeding from an injury if you can't even get up from one of your own. It is easy to not be hopeful, to drown myself in depression because depression is there, waiting with open arms and a suffocating blanket. But I don't want that embrace so I am stubbornly ignoring the invitation and trudging out into the wilderness to become a better person. For my husband, for my family, for my future family, and most importantly, for me.

So many abbreviations to remember - ENFP, CPTSD, PB. Extroverted Intuitive Feeling Perceptive. Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Psychogenic Blackouts. Things to describe me and/or my current state of being. With each passing moment, I am trying to discover more. About myself, about my health issues, about how to get better.

This doesn't make it any easier when each new possible discovery could be something worse, something detrimental. Something frightening. I can only continue because remaining where I am, in this place of mental unsureness... it's even more frightening

Stay tuned to continue the chronicles of my drama.