fReEdUmB*

January 2020…on the brink of a pandemic. Self evaluation took place…

Update: life has changed drastically since this creation.

I’m good at finding ways to keep myself enslaved. Then resent myself so much for it that I forget how I even got myself into the situation in the first place. I often convince myself that being closed off is not healthy and not needed to be happy and really achieve my milestones in life. But I’m telling myself a lie and that’s just as bad as lying to someone you love. I need solitude. My inner thoughts. I need that time to really work out what it is that’s chomping at me. Or what is it that puts a lump in the back of my throat. What is the source of the knot in my stomach? What’s that lingering feeling that I’m neglecting something? My subconscious is not one to be passive or sit back and wait until my conscience is aware of the urgencies raging inside. I can mindlessly and aimlessly keep myself busy with menial chores and tasks that will yield no true value because it takes away from the greater or more challenging things that could be life altering for me. It’s almost as if I don’t want to face the challenge for fear of it not being successful. And with all the things I’m always striving for, is it better that it either passes or fails or simply just remains as a possibility that never reaches completion?

Work? I no longer have a true passion for a nine to five. Every interview feels like a lie because no sir, no ma’am, I will not ultimately be happy doing your grunt work and passing off tasks for cents on the dollar while I stare out of a window and slowly watch life be carried on without me. But my rational side will say yes, I will gladly commute forty-five to sixty minutes Monday through Friday with gas prices as outrageous as they are in my non-fuel efficient vehicle that resembles a pickup truck. Yes supervisor, I will gladly work on a contract for the hopes of securing benefits while gambling with my mental and physical health. I will gladly risk going without pay on a holiday, a sick day, a bereavement day because these are things that are totally in my control. I can totally control when I lose someone to death, fall sick, or just need a brief reprieve from life. But that’s okay because I told you that I would be okay with that during the interview. As I turned on my charm, made you feel my passion and fire, you felt that I needed that job more than anything when really, I just desired a disruption from the monotony that comes with being responsible. It sounds pathetic. I hate it. The things I want to do, require more courage than I seem to possess. And that frustrates me. I want to write. I want to explore. I want to travel. I want to enhance my spirituality.  I want to elevate myself beyond trivial possessions and ideologies yet, I want to enjoy recklessly and with complete abandon and never reap the consequences from it. 
 
 

Sometimes I truly think I see the person that I am set to become going forward. Then I lose sight of that person. Am I constantly evolving or am I just always envisioning something else and subconsciously making minor tweaks and adjustments until I feel that I am adequate in my mind’s eye? The mind’s eye is one that can’t be deceived as easily as the two I use daily. That third eye sees things in a different light. It perceives well beyond the surface of what you truly think you are witnessing. I believe it can see our desires because deep down, we all know who we truly are at our core. Many people will work very hard to defeat the person they are at their core. Rarely do you come across an individual who truly embraces who they are through and through. But when you do, you can genuinely sense that this person is not at war with who they are. That’s the type of aura I truly hope to attain one day. I don’t believe I’m at a secure enough point to truly share with you all who I think I am at my very core but I can honestly say that I’m nowhere near being that person yet. I lack the sense of vulnerability and confidence it takes to be that man. Such an odd combination. Vulnerability and confidence. To be vulnerable shows true strength and confidence means knowing your weaknesses before anyone else can use them against you, at least in my thinking process. I don’t feel that I’m even halfway through the journey of fully achieving those things. It’s not a matter of me being self-deprecating, but simply realizing that I’m not one hundred percent comfortable in my own skin at this point in my life. It has nothing to do with tangible success or failure, but everything to do with who I see myself as when the lights are out. It’s my belief that there are those who fear to be alone or in the dark because they are not comfortable facing their self or their own judgement. I fear that I don’t live up to my own expectations and ideologies and that means I’m facing that reality and I must choose to immediately act or passively puruse until I feel that there’s a more adequate moment to address it. When or where or how do I even begin to start trying to become the person I am at my core? How do I know that it won’t lead me down a path of destruction? What if I don’t recognize the person that lies dormant within me? Our id is what Freud would call it. It’s our most primal and instinctual person with complete disregard for societal norms and practices. To indulge that part of us is probably when we receive the biggest boosts of dopamine. We are completely overjoyed when that euphoria washes over with doing something that makes you shudder in pure joy and elation. Indulging the id is completely devoid of all altruism.
 I don’t know how I will get where I’m supposed to be. I don’t know where I am supposed to go. I have a vague idea of what I want and who I’d like to become. I simply know what I am at this point, where I’ve been, and what I no longer want to be. Wise enough to know that I know absolutely nothing nor enough to be too far beyond more life lessons. I’ve been humbled time after time and it’d be foolish to believe that I won’t need to be humbled again. That alone confirms that God has a sense of humor. This post was not meant to have a destination, a point, a theme, it merely was just a way for me to paint some deeper complexities on a blank canvas. Free from clutter of everyday life.