F*ck Eating Disorders

Let me begin by issuing a HUGE trigger warning to anyone whose either suffered from an Eating Disorder or knows someone who has. If this article is uncomfortable for you in anyway please don't read it. I've written many others for you to enjoy.

My eating disorder began 13 years ago during my drinking problem, I had been sexually assaulted and wasn't believed when I tried to speak up. I commenced the year and a half of self-destruction. Drinking,not sleeping and making myself sick after eating plagued my life for a year and a half. I was barely functioning and could've very well passed away. I kept this all a secret from those closest to me out of embarassment. Finally after an intervention from my closest friend and a breakdown in a restaurant; I reached out for help. I found a lovely therapist and really tried to work through all the trauma. While I'm super proud to say I'm almost 13 years sober of alcohol,soda and caffeine. I'm not proud to say that my eating disorder has come and gone over the years. What I mean by that is sometimes its so managable I honestly forget I have it, but other times that's all I think of.

My eating disorder stayed around during high school and college. I would eat foods that I knew would make me sick. I didn't sleep all through college and actually died once. If you read my book you'll hear that whole story. I didn't think I deserved to eat. I didn't think food was good for me. During college I got into an abusive relationship and at first I was making steps toward recovery but then one day my ex called me fat. That sent the shame spiral down. I ate VERY little at all meals and stopped sleeping. I punished myself for even having the slightest amout of fat on my body. I feared for my life most nights. When my ex wasn't around I would binge, I would eat everything in sight. I would buy big quanities of things and eat every single bite. I was starving. I wanted someone to love me, I wanted someone to feed me and I wanted someone to love me. This cycle went on for 6 years.

After we broke up, I got to work on recovery. I sought therapy and developed a much better relationship with food. This isn't to say I still have days where my eating disorder voice doesn't creep up. But for the most part I'm doing well. I still have days where I go to bed thinking about how "much" I ate. And how I should've eaten less. But most days I do well. I know that I can't eat certain foods because they will make me sick and I care enough about myself to stay away from them.

I also know what triggers my eating disorder. Last year for Christmas someone bought me a fitness tracker watch. That really didn't help. I kept thinking about the calories I was burning and how I shouldn't put them back in. Eventually I had to stop using it because I became obsessive over every little thing I ate. I hated myself for that. I couldn't believe I had come this far just to fall back.

Why do I tell you this story? I tell you so that maybe it will help you realize that you're not alone. Maybe you'll reasonate with my story and hopefully it will inspire you to get help. The hardest/best lesson I had to learn was that I was worth it and you are to!