Hey I'm Amanda! I'm a writer, Podcaster and a pet sitter. I'm much more then that! Read my stories to find out :)
F*ck Going Back To School
This May I embarked on a two year adventure, I went back to school. I decided to get an associates degree in applied sciences and study to be the addictions counselor I've wanted to be for years. 6 years and one abusive realtionship later here we are. It was hard to get the courage to go back, I pondered this for months. So many questions came up, would I do well? Would I pass my classes? Would I even get my degree? Am I even smart enough? Could I afford it? Would it be a waste of time? So many thoughts ran through my head. But despite all that I decided to take a risk and apply, I filled out the application and got all the required information from my high school. I decided to major in Human Services that seemed the closest thing to psychology (it is) And I sent in all my information.
An Open Letter to my Daughter
Dear Wednesday, That's what your name was going to be, please don't @ me. I've always loved the Adams Family and Wednesday was always my faovrite character. She's sarcastic and acerbic and I live for it. I always thought that would be a cute name for a girl. Well today would've been your fifth birthday. You almost came into my life 3 times and while I'm glad you didn't in a way because you would've grown up with an abusive dad. I still wonder how you would've ended up. I bet you'd be just like me, weird and way to caring. I wonder if you'd have my eyes or my voice. I also wonder if you'd have my Taylor Swift Addiction. We could've gone to concerts together! We would've been best friends. But you never ended up coming into my life and that's probably for the best. I was way to immature to have you and your dad would've hurt you in addition to me. I still wonder though at times. It's been 5 years but I still hurt every year on this day. I can't go visit you at a grave, you were never born. I can't write you letters, you won't get them. I have to get over it. I can however say that someone else has come into my life and filled the void. My dog, Bonnie lou. She's 8 years old and my world. But she still isn't you. I love her more then life itself, don't get me wrong. I would do anything for her, she saved my life. I can't deny that. But she's still not you.
F*cking Song Lyrics
How closely are we listening to Song Lyrics? In my opinion songs are often ignored stories and poems. They are windows into someone’s soul and heart. When you turn on a song are you really listening to the words? Are you finding meaning in the lyrics? Are you feeling anything? That’s what happens when I listen to music. It’s free therapy in a way. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t one artist in particular whose lyrics and videos have helped me through things, I’ll never be able to explain or understand personally. Her music inspired me to write most of my books! And has helped me heal. I’ve cried to her songs, I’ve laughed, and I’ve screamed. But most of all, I’ve felt solace in knowing maybe I wasn’t alone. That artist is Taylor Swift.
Getting the F%ck back out there.
We've all been there, after a relationship ends and we've taken some time to heal. We decide that it's probably time to get back out there....Maybe. It's a scary situation! Putting yourself out there again after being treated like shit. Because we have to figure out what it is that we want from our next relationship. Sure we don't want someone like what we had, but what do we want? I want something very specific and I'm not sure I'll find it. I want to be with someone whose my best friend. I want to belt out music in the car, give them weirdo gifts we joked about months ago, I want to have inside jokes with them. I want to pull up to their house with a car full of snacks and rock music and surprise them with a day at the beach. But most importantly I need to feel safe with that person. If you've read any of my other pieces you'll know I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years. So naturally I'm going to need to feel safe with someone and be able to trust them. This is hard for me. Especially in this hookup culture we seem to be living in. Nobody wants to do any of that special stuff anymore. All they want to do is f%ck and leave. That's not a relationship. I want to actually have a relationship with someone. I want to wake up feeling safe and with a phone full of good morning messages if we're not together. Of course I'd have boundaries like no talking or hanging out with the opposite gender alone. I don't think that's unfair. I think not settling until you find that right person is the best thing you can do. Sure nobodies perfect, but we can't just settle with the first person that's nice to us. Maybe they aren't right for us. Just because someones good to you, doesn't necessarily mean there good for you. That's something I feel like people don't really understand. And frankly it took me a while to understand as well. You need to find someone whose both. I do say quite often that I'm never dating again. And while that may be true! I do want to point out that I've done some reflecting and came to the conclusion that IF someone came along and they fit all of my boundaries and standards, MAYBE I would give them a chance. But with that being said, it may never happen. I may never find someone. I may in fact be single forever and that's not a bad thing. I can still achieve all my dreams without someone in my life. I'd require a lot of patience and reassurance and care. I don't think that's something a lot of people would necessarily be equiped to do. Maybe I need to do some more healing before I get back out there. There is really no rush! We have our whole lives to find someone if that's in the cards for us! We don't need to have someone in our lives to be happy. You need to complete yourself, don't expect someone to complete you! That's unrealistic. Sure you want someone to compliment you but expecting them to complete you is too much. Being upfront with what you want and what you're willing to accept and not willing to accept is something we all need to do. Don't settle for anything less then you deserve. Remember this one thing that we all need to know and it's fairly simple: Never think that almost is good enough for you.
To The Girl With No Self Esteem.
To The Girl With No Self Esteem, I'd like to start this letter by saying that I'm right there with you. I don't have any either. I don't know that I ever did. But that's what this letter is about. It's about why we don't have any. Maybe you were bullied in school, Maybe you were abused in a relationship? What caused you to not have any. Think of the reason right now. Whatever the reason is I want you to know that it is NOT your fault. Whoever hurt you was projecting their pain onto you, while that's not fair or nice. It's the truth. But what I want to you know is this: You do matter! I know you think you don't. And I have those days as well. I seem to think nobody cares about me and I'm better off alone and that I deserved to be abused by my ex. And while the last one isn't true! Nobody deserves to be abused. I have to remember that I'm not alone and that people do care about me. I'm not alone because I know people have the same struggles as me. It's not easy to remember. Today I just wanted to lay in bed and do nothing. But I couldn't, I had work to do. Somedays I feel like I'm bothering everyone around me and I would be better off on a different planet all alone. And sometimes I feel like people are only talking to me because they want to be nice, not because they want to. Can you relate? If so, welcome to the party! If not, I hope you're enjoying your life with self esteem. I'd love to know what that's like. I'm glad you have self esteem though. But for those of us that don't. I'd like to say something: You can find the self esteem you deserve! I'm working on it daily. It's difficult for sure but it's necessary. Or is society telling us to find it? I'm not sure anymore.
I was sitting in church this morning and my pastor was talking about love. And how Love is patient and kind and bears all things and endures all things and never ends. While that is both a bible verse and a qoute from one of my favorite movies. I disagree with that qoute and here's why: Love shatters you, it changes you in a way that you won't always like. It cracks you open like a walnut and devastates you. It makes you see things in gray. Love is not rainbows and butterflies. Love can sometimes hurt you in ways you never saw coming. And while they say love shouldn't hurt, and I do agree with that statement. I also don't believe in love. Love is for suckers. Love is not for the faint of heart. Love can change you in ways you didn't want to change. It can distract you and make you see things you never saw before.
Late Night Thoughts....
Quick Backstory: This is actually an excerpt from a book I recently published called Late Night Thoughts: What keeps me up at night part 4. I was very inspired by Taylor Swifts New Album Midnights. Which is a collection of Late Night Thoughts. This got me thinking about my own late night thoughts. So with that I decided to write a book, four to be exact. And believe me when I say some of the thoughts were heavy. I was able to process things I didn't know I needed to, I was able to let things go that had harbored in my brain for years and was finally able to find peace in my heart with things that I never thought I would. See to me writing is therapeutic, it's been elemental in my healing process and has allowed me to share my story and connect with people out there who've been through similar things. That has been more than humbling and for that I'm forever grateful. So without further ado...here is an excerpt from my last book.
Dear Twitch, I used to watch you on Ellen all the time. You seemed so happy and fun loving. But I totally understand that was the part you had to play. You had to act like everything was okay. You had to act like you were okay and you had to act like the voices in your head weren't there. It's exhausting. It's exhausting to play a part that everyone expects of you. Isn't it? It wears on you. But perhaps this is part of a bigger conversation we all need to be having. That conversation is about Mental Health. I mean sure you were funny and dancey on Ellen and made millions of people smile. But we need to understand that that was a job for you. That wasn't your whole life. I'm sure you and Ellen were great friends. But she wasn't your whole life. My point is we need to have a conversation about mental health and suicide. We need to check on those we care about and realize that what we are being presented with isn't always the truth. Maybe we're all acting? Maybe it's just a part we feel like we have to play. It's tiring isn't it?
Dear Colorado, Honestly saying sorry sounds very lame right now, because that's all we ever say when a mass shooting happens. We never actually do anything to change the laws or fix the very obvious issues in our world. We just say thoughts and prayers and move on 2 weeks later or until the next shooting happens. It's quite sad and gross to be honest. My heart is so full of sadness right now because not only was this a shooting but it took place at a club for members of a community that I not only support but am a part of. Last year I came out as Bi-Sexual after closeting myself for years. I finally came to terms with the fact that I'm also attracted to women. But this isn't about me. This is about the world. This is about the very obvious issues that are not being fixed, in fact they are being overlooked and ignored. I cannot believe that is what is happening right now. I want to say I'm sorry, I'm sorry that someone thought it was okay to go into a place and shoot people who were simply having fun. I'm sorry that someone was so homophobic in the location they chose. I'm sorry that nobody is doing anything to stop this from happening again. I'm sorry that there is still racism and prejudice in this country. I'm sorry that when someone told you they were going to a club to have fun you had no idea that would be the last time you'd ever see them. I'm sorry that this is still happening and nobody seems to care enough to change it. I'm sorry that this country is so divisive that we can't even work together to form a solution. I'll never understand people, I'll never understand the need to attack other people simply because they're different.
We live in such an extroverted world. Always on demand and vibrant. But what would happen if we just sat and listened to the sound of our own breath? What if we took some time out of our day and had some solitude? What if we all just slowed down and took a minute to process our emotions? What if we took some time to unpack all the baggage we carry around on a daily basis? Maybe lighten the weights that weigh us down on the daily. Perhaps we need to slow the f*ck down. All week long we run around and do all these things. But when do we actually sit and process all that took place? What if we did that? Are we too scared of what might come up? Are we too afraid of letting go because letting go would mean being happy? What if we actually took some time for our mental health. How much better we'd be? I think we'd be great! Maybe our self esteem would be higher? Maybe relationships would be better with those around us. Maybe we wouldn't have to hide behind phones and tablets and computers. Maybe we could actually connect with others.
An Open Letter to My Current Self
Dear Self, I know you're having a hard time lately and hurting very deeply. I hope you know that you're not alone. You've been having flashbacks of your ex punching you in the face and then swearing he loves you. You've been hurting and wishing you had someone to hold you and keep you safe from people like him. But the truth is, nobody can protect you fully from things. You have to protect yourself sometimes. You can't rely on someone else to heal you. You have to heal yourself. I know it's difficult, believe me I know. You've cried alot. You've felt like absolute crap. But look at what you've done in the meantime. You've shared your story on social media and had so many people reach out and tell you that you're not alone. You've shown solidarity with your fellow survivors and that has been more rewarding then I can imagine. You will get through this. Healing isn't linear as I've said before. You have to just ride the waves, no matter how hard they may be. You have to understand that you will in fact be ok. You will get through this. Someone is going to love you and you will be happy. But for right now you need to learn how to love yourself. You need to unlearn all the lies your ex told you. You need to unlearn all the lies you told yourself. You need to learn some hard lessons. You've already learned alot and I want to give you credit for that. But you still have a lot more to learn. Your healing journey isn't over yet. You need to understand that love shouldn't hurt. You need to understand that you will in fact be okay. Everything is going to work itself out. You;ll find yourself. But you need to heal. And while that may seem impossible, it's not. You need to let go of all your anger and hatred of men, you need to realize that love shouldn't hurt and you need to forgive yourself and give yourself the apology your ex is not going to give you. He's to selfish for that. You need to soften your heart and let some light in. You can't live in darkness forever. You have to give yourself time to heal. This will take time and while you may in fact get impatient, it will be worth it when your done healing. You'll feel lighter and happier. You'll feel more at peace. You'll feel loved and will appreciate things that much more because of all you went through. You're probably saying to yourself that you've been through hell and it's been 3 years and you deserve peace and something good. That's all true! But you also need to heal. Think about it. If you got into a relationship now, You'd probably end up hurting the other person because your so hurt and still have a lot of healing to do. You need to take this time and get to know yourself again. Really figure out your boundaries and figure out what you want. You have to take this time and get to know you and actually be single. You've never been single for this long. And you've never had a healthy relationship so you need to learn what that is. Take your time. The right person will come at the right time and everything will fall into place. I know I sound like a fortune cookie but someday you'll read this and cry because you'll realize I was right. You'll realize why you had to deal with this.