Emotional Abuse: A Snapshot

Let's talk about emotional abuse.

No, really. Emotional abuse is a difficult subject to broach.

Maybe you're a victim. Maybe you're not sure if you are. Maybe you wonder if you could be the abuser. Maybe you know someone.

Emotional abuse is tricky. It often doesn't start out abusive. It can be completely invisible from an outsider perspective (especially if the abuser puts on a starkly different mask in outer circles), and is less obvious to the victim than physical abuse. They may not even be aware of the emotional abuse and its impact until they're out of the relationship and can reflect.

It can leave victims feeling worthless, severely critical of themselves, doubting their own thoughts/decisions, and unable to believe that friendships/relationships are real due to a lack of self-value. It can result in mental health issues, insomnia, and other health issues.

In some cases, the abuser may not even be aware that their actions/words constitute emotional abuse. And in many cases, the abusers themselves have been victims, creating a cycle.

For many who feel themselves to be strong, independent, and successful, one of the hardest things to come to terms with can be that they were a victim of emotional abuse. Often, it can feel like you've been "had," or you may re-victimize by blaming yourself for even falling victim (i.e., "How could I fall for this?" or, "Why didn't I notice it earlier?"). They will lose trust in themselves.

Emotional abuse can manifest itself in a variety of different ways (not exhaustive!):

• Blaming a partner for lack of success
• Keeping score of negative events in the relationship to use as "ammo," later
• Criticizing you for not meeting their standards in tasks or goals
• Asking you to remember exact times and dates of mistreatment, then discrediting you if you can't
• Accusing you of being selfish when expressing your wants or needs
• Behaving in such a way that you feel like you need to beware of a ticking time bomb ("walking on eggshells")
• Withholding affection, or giving you the silent treatment
• Pointing out your flaws, but deflecting their own
• Controlling Behavior
• Constant confrontational behavior, even over trivial matters
• Gaslighting.

Common in emotional abuse is the abuser's lack of healthy internal dialogue with their emotions - there's a possibility that they have one or more of the following issues:

1. Inability to accurately recognize the emotions they're feeling

2. Inability to communicate in a healthy manner (prevents them from effectively conveying wants/needs, emotions, etc.)

3. Lack of self-love/happiness. You can't give what you don't have!

4. Lack of models of healthy, loving relationships that shaped their views

5. Mental health issues that affect their ability to process/control their emotions

Granted, it's not an exhaustive list, and honestly... maybe the abuser could just be someone who thrives on pain (YUCK). However, the list above paints a picture of someone who needs to take steps to self-improvement.

The most difficult part of this is that they need to be willing to take those steps themselves. Which requires them to recognize the fact that they're abusive, accept it, and decide to change.

Which the victim has no control over.

And the victim MUST accept that. If they refuse to make changes, the victim must, for the safety of their emotional and mental health. The victim needs to make plans to leave. Get support networks in place, start bolstering mental health and self-love, and make sure there is help in this process as much as needed.

For the victim: Find your self-worth, and don't lose sight of it - your happiness is vital, and you are incredibly precious.

If the abuser is willing to change, and truly makes steps, that's something to be commended (and HUGE, HUGE props and congratulations if this is you!!!). It takes maturity to accept wrongdoing and undertake the work needed to address habits and emotional growth. Reach out to supportive friends, family, and those who will keep you accountable. Seek professional help to have an objective ear and someone who can help you effectively work through issues you have.

If that's a process a partner is willing to be there for, that's their choice. At the same time, remind them to continue to improve their mental health and self-love, and place boundaries going through that process.

For the abuser willing to change: You've made an AMAZING choice, and you are paving the road for a successful future with someone you love.

Just because someone decided to take these steps does not mean a partner should allow themselves to be hurt in this process. Do not forget to take care of SELF.

Remember that emotional abuse is just as "scarring," as physical abuse, and if you are giving support to someone, please assure them of their worth.

It could be what keeps them going.