East or West?

‘So, tell us more about yourself....

My fellow chaplain told me that he has met you before — he said that you were involved in a Christian club at this university, right?'

‘Yes.’ Should I say something more?

Gretel took a hand-sized portion of bread and covered the bread generously with some dip. I watched her chew on her food. She noticed me looking at her and handed me a piece of bread and moved the dip closer towards me. She smiled, and her eyes sparkled.

‘Tell us, how do your values differ from your parents?’

I felt blank. ‘Um…’ I fiddled with my long black hair and stared into the distance. I thought for a while. My face felt hot and flushed. I pulled my sleeves up. I took a small breath in. ‘My parents are quite traditional,’ I said. ‘I find it a bit hard, though. When I go out… say for example like in an environment at university… I feel intellectually challenged. I am encouraged to read, analyse, think and investigate topics like philosophy, history etcetera. I get to think for myself and question it too. But when I’m at home, I do my duties and follow my parents’ orders because I feel obliged, not that I necessarily want to. I still go to the temple with my family because I respect their beliefs, not because I understand it or feel engaged with it.’

I felt like I had shared too much so stopped.

Gretel tilted her head. ‘Are your parents Buddhists?’

‘Um, it’s kind of like Buddhism… but… like with a mixture of Confucianism, Taoism, Christianity…’ I hesitated, choking on my words.

Gretel responded by nodding slightly. She then ran her hands back and forth through her short blonde hair. She looked at the coffee table and this time grabbed a bunch of grapes. ‘Who do you pray to when you worship at the temple?’ she asked, putting one grape into her mouth.

‘God,’ I answered.

She swallowed and then ate two more grapes. ‘May I ask which God?’

Gee, that’s a probing question. I was blank again. I pray to the God that many people pray to… the Christian God? Wait, what God do my parents pray to? I froze.

Gretel turned towards the table again. She went for a muffin this time. There was a long silence. I tried to hint to her. I sighed. Gretel adjusted her posture, chewed her food for a bit, and continued talking with food in her mouth. ‘Can you pray and worship the Christian God at your temple?’

How can she ask that so casually while eating? I don’t know how to answer this. Is this a rhetorical question?

Suddenly I heard the sound of zippers and the rummaging of bags. Everyone got off their seat, waving at Gretel as they left. An overwhelming sense of silence crept upon us. Gretel swallowed the rest of her food then leaned forward over to me. ‘Can you be an Australian-Vietnamese Christian and not follow Western traditions of church?’

Is God eastern and western?

My head started to hurt. I wanted to go home. I hurriedly answered: ‘I’m not sure… Um... I’ll think about it…’ I felt tense. I dodged eye contact, looking at my backpack and gathering my belongings. ‘I’ve got to go,’ I said.

I heard Gretel say as I walked out: ‘Thanks, Julianne, for sharing about your culture and traditions… See you next week.’

As I walked to the train station, I remembered that my family had a prayer ritual at home for that evening. Can I worship the God of the Western churches in an Eastern way? Gretel’s questions replayed over in my mind.

God seems bigger now, but I am still unsure. Maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s not. My parents are not open to learning about Christianity. I think God is telling me to respect them and honour them while I still can. If you ask me about my beliefs at this point in time, I will refer you to what I wrote when I first signed up to this program.

Under the heading ‘Religious Affiliation’,

I wrote:

still searching . . .

~~

^ 'East or West' story shared for Stories of Life in 2017 (longlisted).