Domestic violence

Why are we so ashamed to tell people we are being abused in a relationship? Then here’s the better question!!! Why do we stay?

I knew once I was able to honestly answer those questions to myself that I’m ready to share my experiences in hopes of helping someone else. But also in hopes I can get help from someone also!!! This isn’t easy!!

Behind closed doors no one ever knows what goes on in someone else’s relationship no matter how happy they may seem in public and around friends and family.

I felt embarrassed about letting people know what I was going through. No one would have ever thought in a million years that this happy women is really feeling worthless. The fake smile starts to hurt and I want to run away from everyone, just simply disappear. The constant thoughts running through my head about what Everyone’s going to think when they see my lip is fat, again. My arms are damn near tatooted from him grabbing me when I want to leave. Will they call me stupid? Yes! And they did.... everyone from my family members, friends to even law enforcement.

Everyone asks you the same question... “Why are you with him?” “What’s wrong with you?” “He doesn’t love you!” “You’re stupid for staying with him!”

And those statements go on and on....

No one noticed my self esteem was non existent, which in turn No one realized all of those negative comments made me feel even worse. Made me hide it even more. Made me hold it inside. Made me feel stupider and constantly called myself stupid. Made me actually disappear.

Now I distanced myself from everyone. He is the only person I have left. He knows these things so it only gets worse because it feeds his control.

So here’s the answer to the first question:

I wasn’t and still aren’t completely honest with anyone because of the negativity I receive anytime I reach out for help, for someone to talk to, for someone to make me feel better, feel alive, feel safe.

I don’t want to be called stupid anymore!!!

Answer to question 2:

Why do I stay!?!? I figured it out.... he does such an amazing job at shooting down my self esteem, telling me I’m a loser, I’m a whore, no man wants me, I’m ugly, etc that’s when I break down and try and run away and he stops me and tells me all nice things .... I love you , you’re mine forever, I’ll never leave you, you’re so beautiful, I’ll never put my hands on you again. He just fills my head with overwhelmingly good things... things that he knows I want to hear!!

So here we go..... Since I’m so used to him putting me down and feeling crappy it’s when he says anything nice to me...it makes me feel like a million dollars. His minipulation game is out of this world. It workes every single time. Oh he’s sorry, he loves me, he didn’t mean it. It was my fault anyway.

So now that I can answer those questions.... what do I do now? Even knowing the answer isn’t making it any easier to leave.... Don’t say leave him it’s obviously been 13 years And only a couple of months till It will be 14 years.

Another thing I learned ... the violence is the worst when u say you’re going to leave them or attempt to. I’m able to control hitting like that. I never dare say I’m going to leave.

So now what? How could I still love a person like that? What do i do?

Anyone know how to erase my memory?? Haha