Depression is Funny

Depression is something I think we're all dealing with on some level right now. With how insane 2020 has been to every single person around the world, mental health is at a serious decline. It’s real, it's serious, and I think it’s important for all to understand its depth.

This week I’m talking about depression. I’d like to start off by saying that depression is in no way linear, identical, or funny. Depression affects every single sufferer differently. I’d also like to drop a little disclaimer here that this post is merely my own, personal experience and relationship with depression. For me, it comes out of nowhere. I can have a fantastic, exciting, inspirational day but feel like a worthless piece of basura the next. It doesn’t give me a warning, and it doesn’t give me an expiration. It just accompanies my anxiety and will pop up out of nowhere, throwing me through days, weeks, or months of being stuck at my lowest. I know that for some, depression is every single day, with no breaks. The cloud is over them at all times, and not too many people understand. “You have this and that and your life seems so great, how could you be so sad?!”

Well first off, I’m not sad. I’m unable to keep my serotonin levels at a normal level 100% of the time. It’s true, I have a beautiful life. I am a pretty, half-white white-passing Latina with an education and while I grew up at the lower-middle class end of the spectrum, both my parents are now stable and have healthy incomes. I have a perfect fiancé and live in a breathtaking city. I am healthy. I’m able to provide my family with everything we need. But there is still a cloud that follows me around and starts to pour down on me at the most random moments. Those days are hard. I feel worthless, I have childhood trauma haunting me, I wonder what the point of my life is supposed to be. I look at the world and see hate and anger, division, oppression, racism, sexism, rape, disease, abuse, hunger, death, and I wonder…what’s the point? There isn’t much that pulls me out of these ruts other than reaching out to my closest friends and having them remind me that despite all of the ugly things I think about myself and the world around me, I am loved.

I don’t show this side of me to the public world, or the internet. There are really only two or three people that know when I’m going through a depressive episode. I hide behind my depression with humor. Not to say that my love for comedy is only to cover up my depression. But it is much easier for me to make a joke at my own expense than to be open and raw about what I’m really feeling inside. There are so many great and famous comedians who suffer from depression. Humor is a huge coping mechanism. The first person that may come to mind on this topic is Robin Williams, who committed suicide in 2014. Looking at who he let the world think he was, looking at his immensely successful career, and looking through photos of him, you see happiness. But depression can take even those of us who appear to be happy on the outside.

Those of you who struggle with this mental illness know how it feels. Like I said before, everyone experiences it differently. I get the feeling that there is a bottomless black hole where my heart should be, and I feel completely hopeless for my life to be successful or satisfying. I get a pit in my stomach and feel like I could burst into tears at any moment, from any small trigger. I scroll through social media and start to compare myself to friends, family, and celebrities that seem like they have their shit together. I start to get angry and resentful that things don’t feel as “easy” or clear for me. I feel guilty for feeling resentful. I feel like I don’t deserve my fiancé, or my friends, or anyone who loves me. I feel like I will never reach my full potential in any aspect, and my mind starts to drift to that place of, “What’s the point?” I feel alone. There have been times where I’ve felt suicidal.

The way that I cope with these feelings is to throw a filter over my brain and how it perceives the world. Humor. Things got really dark for me when my parents got a divorce. As the oldest child and the one who fully understood every aspect of my family breaking up, I felt a huge weight on my shoulders to make sure everyone else was happy. I needed to be there for my parents and my little siblings. My feelings and my problems could wait. Lots of shitty stuff has gone down since then but a few years ago, I decided I was going to stop being sad about it. Shit happens. Sometimes change is for the better. I’ve always been obsessed with humor and comedy, growing up on Fresh Prince, SNL, and late night talk shows. One day it just hit me, what if I start looking at my situation as an episode of The Office? I didn’t get feelings of hopelessness and depression when Pam’s parents got divorced or when Angela flaunted her relationship with Andy and The Senator in front of Dwight, so what’s the difference if I just view my life as that? Knowing that in the end, things always end up okay? Things work out for them, why shouldn’t they work out for me? I started making jokes about being depressed, finding the slightest sliver of joy in the shittiest situations. Not only does it help me find joy, it boosts my self esteem to make people laugh. Looking at it, I know it’s not “healthy,” but it works for me. It helps me process my sadness and look at it from a less serious point of view. I took it upon myself to really instill the idea that life shouldn’t be so serious, because many events in my life were so serious that they lead me straight to depression.

Again, I know this isn’t the healthiest coping mechanism, but I’m here to give you my own perspective on depression and how I manage it. It doesn’t always work, the chemicals in my brain don’t magically change because I decided to make a joke. But it helps me cope and helps me get through the depressive episode. Personally, it’s hard for me to find an identity outside of depression, too. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life and when I find myself in seasons of joy and utter happiness, I start to wonder what’s going to go wrong. It’s not right for me to not be so depressed, what’s wrong? What’s coming? I often retreat back to the feeling of depression out of comfort, because it’s so hard for me to be happy.

Depression is an epidemic in the US, but only up until a couple of years ago has it gotten much attention. In 2017, suicide was the second leading cause of death in the US for ages 10-34. There were twice as many suicide deaths as there were homicide deaths. It was the tenth leading cause of death in the US, claiming over 47,000 lives. (National Institute of Mental Health, 2019.)

I wrote this with the intention of bringing awareness to the link between depression, coping mechanisms, and suicide. I struggle with depression almost every day, and so do hundreds of thousands of others. If you know someone who struggles with this, it doesn’t hurt to reach out and check in on them. Personally, I appreciate it. I have a friend who will send me a random text just to let me know how much she loves and appreciates me, and asks how my mental is. It doesn’t cure me, but it helps me feel seen. I feel less alone. If you struggle with depression, I’d like to personally extend my hand out to you. I am here for anyone, at any time. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to me, or someone you know, or even a therapist, there are services available and hotlines to call. Depression fucking sucks, but you don’t have to go through it alone. There is always hope. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

If you are in crisis, call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is available to anyone. All calls are confidential.