A Day in the Life of an Anxious Mind

2am – I should get to sleep. I’m not even tired. What’s the point of getting sleep if I have nothing that requires energy anyways? Get up, wash hands one more time. Go back to bed. Go to sleep.

4am – Wake up from a nightmare, spend an hour scrolling on the phone googling symptoms, watching videos of people who have had it, trying to self diagnose. Go pee, wash hands. Try to get back to sleep.

9am – Fuck, should I get up? I need to start work. I also need to get groceries today, it’s been ten days. Should I go now or after I’m done working? I just need to make sure to shower when I get back. Get up, pee, wash hands. Wash my face and do my skincare routine. Brush my teeth. Wash hands.

10am – Wipe down my laptop, wipe down my kitchen table. Wash hands. Start work, work for a few hours. A lot of terminations today. Coffee break, wait for my appetite to hit.

2pm – I haven’t eaten yet. Wash hands. Grab a fruit. Did I wash this? I’ll do it again. Wipe down the counter where I set down the fruit before washing. Wash hands. I’m gaining weight, how am I gaining weight? I eat 1-2 meals a day. I need to work out, I’m so tired. Back to work.

3pm – Get ready for the grocery store. Pants. Long sleeve shirt or hoodie. It’s 90 degrees outside, but the car and the store will have AC. Hair up. Hat on. Glasses, no contacts. Wash hands, grab two pairs of gloves. Put on cloth mask, then medical mask on top. Grab shoes, put them outside the door. Wash hands again. Grab tweezers and put them in a pocket. Put on the gloves and go. Don’t touch the apartment complex entrance door handle, use your foot. Someone walking their dog doesn’t have a mask on, hold your breath. Hold it until you get in the car. Get in the car, put on hand sanitizer. Wait for gloves to dry. Head to the store.

3:30pm – Is there a line? It’s not bad. Stand in line, stand far behind the person in front of me. Keep checking to make sure the person behind me gets the hint to stay away. Don’t touch your phone.

4pm – Front of the line, I’m next. Get my list out and do a quick mental run through of where everything is and plan a quick route. Grab a few sanitizing wipes. Grab a cart, make sure to ask that they sanitized. If they didn’t, grab a couple of hand baskets. Wipe them down with the sanitizing wipes. Don’t touch your phone. Produce. Dairy–that lady doesn’t have her mask over her nose, come back later. Meat. Frozen food. Snacks. Wine. Back to dairy. Get in the shortest line. Do I need bags? Yes, double bag please, so I can take off the outside bag before bringing the bags in the house and putting them on my floor. I hate having to choose between environmental friendliness and self health. Am I selfish? Don’t touch your phone. Time to pay. Get out the tweezers, grab my ID and card from my wallet. Pay. Don’t touch the machine, use the back of the tweezers to push the buttons. Put the card back in my wallet with the front end of the tweezers. Put the tweezers in one of the grocery bags. Put the wallet in a grocery bag.

4:30pm – Pick up bags by the outside bag handles only. Put the bags in the back sea…put the bags in the trunk. Shut the trunk, put back the shopping basket. Open the car door, take off the gloves. Put them in the car trash bin. Sanitize hands. Put on second pair of gloves. Shut the car door. Don’t touch your phone.

4:40pm – Get home, get out of the car, open the trunk. Grab the inner bag handles, pull out the inner bags. Leave the outer bags in the trunk. Bring up the groceries. Take off shoes before going in the apartment. Go straight to the kitchen, put the bags down. Take off gloves, wash hands. Dry with paper towel, not hand towel. Wash hands again, it’s okay to dry with hand towel now. Grab a Clorox wipe, wipe down wallet, tweezers, keys, phone, door handles. Grab shoes, put them away. Wash hands. Take off clothes, put them in the hamper. Bra and underwear haven’t touched anything outside. Wash hands. Plug the kitchen sink and fill with warm water and produce wash. Grab another wipe, start wiping down grocery items. Put everything away, wash hands. Grab the fruit, throw it in the soapy sink water. Wash hands. Fold up the bags, put them in the recycle bin. Wipe down the floor where they were sitting. Wash hands.

5:15pm – Mouthwash, I read it can kill the germs. Hop in the shower. Need to wash my hair today after going outside. I think I read that virus particles can cling to hair? I had a hat on, but my bun was sticking out of the back. Just wash it. Rinse. Repeat. Scrub down my body. Rinse. Repeat. Wash face. Rinse. Repeat. Dry off, put on lotion. Clean underwear, clean clothes. Wash hands.

6pm – Time to make dinner. Rinse and dry the produce first. Wipe out produce drawers in the fridge with a Clorox wipe. Wash hands. My hands burn, probably the bleach. Disinfect the counters. Make dinner, make sure to cook chicken all the way through and then some. Disinfect the counters. Disinfect the prep dishes. Eat. My throat feels funny, I’ll google it. Wash hands. Need to feed Chloe. Wipe down her can of food, wash out her bowls. Feed her. Fresh water. Wash hands.

7pm – Couch and tv, I’m exhausted. Chloe wants to cuddle on my lap but my throat still feels funny. I read that cats can catch the virus. I hope she doesn’t feel neglected because I’m not letting her near me. Is she especially sleepy lately? I’ll google it. She should be fine. I’ll call the vet tomorrow.

10pm – Make tea. Read. Get ready for bed, wash hands. Skincare routine. Floss and brush teeth. Mouthwash. Wash hands. Pee. Wash hands. Get in bed.

11pm – Scroll on my phone for a few hours. 1,700 new cases in LA today, that brings it to almost 175,000 in LA. Google, “What are my chances of catching coronavirus LA”. 1 in 140. I have asthma, would I recover? Google, “Coronavirus and asthma”. Likely to have long term affects. Just my luck I’m the 1 in 140. My insurance is up next month. Will they cover hospitalization on Medi-Cal or on a cheap plan? Google “Total deaths in LA County”. Google “Stimulus update”. Google “Coronavirus vaccine update”. Google “Vaccine success rate”. My throat doesn’t feel weird anymore. Google “Early coronavirus symptoms”. Google “Difference between coronavirus sore throat and allergy sore throat”. Did I lock the front door? I should check. Locked. Wash hands. Back to bed.

2am – I should get to sleep. I’m exhausted, today was a lot. What’s the point of getting sleep if I have nothing to do that requires energy anyways? Get up, wash hands one more time. Go back to bed. Go to sleep.