Dealing with Trauma

What’s one of the worst parts about dealing with trauma? For me it’s been people who claimed we would be “friends for life” decided they no longer wanted to be friends anymore because they thought I wanted to play the “victim card” or that I would “shut down” if we had a conversation about a topic they misunderstood me on. It was also said that I held “bitterness” towards a certain group of people. However, I tried to have more conversations with these individuals and tried to spend more time with them when we were friends. But thinking back on our time as friends, I realized that it was mainly myself trying to get everything together whenever we would do anything.

Walking through trauma like this is difficult because I know my life is better without “friends” who are not putting forth the effort to be a friend, or who are talking about me behind my back (and not in a good way). But that’s what makes it even harder. How could I have not seen how bad of friends they were in the moment? Why did I hold on for so long? Was it wrong for me to hold on?

At this point, I realize that I have learned a lot about what I truly care about in friends, and who my real friends are. My best friends who have stuck with me and have walked beside me through the trauma—even on my really low days when I take the trauma out on them… you see. Being a friend is more than hanging out, going to the movies, and having fun together—sure those things are great and important to do, too. But there isn’t any depth to that kind of friendship—and I realize at this point in life that really, those are more casual friendships… there isn’t depth to the friendship.

Walking through the trauma that I’ve been walking through is challenging, but possible because of my best friends. They are there when I need to talk—even if it’s for hours at a time. If I need a moment to cry, or maybe I just need someone to listen to me. They are there and they aren’t judging me. They allow me to express myself and be who I am created to be. I love that as I am learning things, they listen and learn and grow, too. We all realize that we don’t always have the right answers, but we are willing to search and to discuss and work together. And in the end—no matter what—we still love each other, even if we don’t always agree 100%!

I realize that there are people in our lives who are only meant to be there for a season, I guess I used to be the optimist who wished everyone could stay forever. However, the past few years have shown me a few things…

1. I see my best friends now that we live 500 miles away from each other, more than when we were living 50 miles away from each other.

2. We are more intentional about spending time together since we live in different states.

3. The less friends I have, the better.

4. You can have a thriving friendship no matter where you are, as long as both people are making an effort.

5. Friendship is two sided… if you realize the other person isn’t reaching out to you to make plans, chances are… the friendship means more to you than to them.

6. Friendship trauma is real. Sit with it. Write about it. Talk about it. It doesn’t go away over night.

7. When friendship trauma overlaps with religious trauma, it’s even worse!

8. Don’t judge people. Talk to them. Ask them what is really going on. Maybe you’ll find out what’s happening in their life and realize what you were assuming about them held no truth.

9. If you are assuming things about someone, and you tell them, allow that person the opportunity to share—if they want to—don’t just shut them down and say you aren’t willing to have a conversation.

10. Be kind. Love people. Pay it forward!