Crawled Out of a Trap

Once upon a time, on Valentines Day of all days, 18.5 year-old me decided it'd be a good idea to go to the apartment of a 28 year-old acquaintance right after I broke up with a flaky a**hole. I figured "maybe he will be nice and won't try to f**k me", so why not give it a try and not be alone on V-day? Well, I went there, he didn't try to f**k me, and fast forward 8 years... we have a child together, I suffered depression inflicted by his manipulations and type B narcissistic behaviors such as blowing insignificant situations out of proportion, gaslighting, verbal bullets, name-calling and punching walls in front of our child because I didn't agree with him on something small... you know, that kind of thing.

Needless to say, I was unhappy for a very long time, and it all started even before I said "yes" to marriage. He was a covert narcissist. The dangerous type... where they manifest their childhood traumas and resentment toward the aggressors through subtle, manipulative, and sometimes even unconscious (or unintentional) psychological abuse. I was groomed to meet his needs at the detriment of my own. I was groomed to believe that I was crazy, needed help, that "my sense of reality is flawed" (his exact line he'd use regularly), and eventually stopped trusting my own feelings and judgements. For a while, I was emotionally numb.

Now I can sit here and explain the stories and reasons why I said "yes" and why I stayed for so long, but you can just buy my book and find out =) *hint hint*... HOWEVER, in this moment, I'm going to share where I'm currently at in my journey to recovery from being stuck with a narcissist for so long.

For the last 3 years (plus the last 6 months of the marriage where we finally slept in separate rooms and did our own thing with a child schedule), I learned to enjoy being ALONE. There is a major difference between "lonely" and "alone", and I've felt both.

During my 'Alone Phase', I stayed both focused and distracted at the same time. I focused on my distractions from what I needed to heal from. I divorced him, left the military, and started nursing school - all within a few weeks of one another. Then I did two years of intense schooling, landed my first job, moved, and have been slowly rekindling old friendships and finding my purpose in life again. Rather than slowing down and taking time to recover and find my true self again, I rose up just enough to have the confidence to divorce him and make all the life changes at one time, then I plateaued. I got to a state of enlightenment then said "Well, now what?"... and now here I am... figuring out what to do now.

Now, I'm at this point in my life where I've been forced to slow down (thanks, COVID!) and take a look at my mind, my heart, and my present version of myself. I've spent time with old friends and re-kindled true friendship with... that kind of friendship where she'll tell you like it is with respect, and for your benefit. I befriended a man, a distant friendly acquaintance, who turns out actually gives a fu*k about me, who has a high level of emotional intelligence and has his mind figured out - at least way more than I do - and he's brought some behaviors to my attention that I had no idea even existed. I've never felt so safe to get vulnerable with my internal fears, worries, and insecurities that I learned while married and thanks to him and COVID, I've been able to internalize them and take the leap of going back to therapy.

Turns out, I have C-PTSD and I want to share it with the world because I firmly believe that millions are walking around with it.

Sure, PTSD is common knowledge (re-living a single or multiple acute moments in time and having specific symptoms after the fact), but Complex PTSD is where one's exposed directly to a consistent form of mild to severe abuse over a long period of time (common in long-term domestic violence, prisoners of war, and those who suffered long-term childhood neglect). With C-PTSD, many PTSD symptoms are experienced in addition to: dissociation for the fear of connection with other people (avoiding friendships or future relationships), and having emotional flashbacks - where you find yourself in a type of conflict that causes you to feel the same intense feelings that you felt during the moment of trauma.

Have you ever thought of yourself as falling into that category? If so, stop reading and make a therapy appointment RIGHT NOW... Seriously... it will be a game changer. If you don't have a therapist or maybe insurance doesn't cover it... go to Amazon, and look up the Complex PTSD workbook by Arielle Schwartz, PhD. When my therapist explained it to me, it made my life make SO much sense... Why I went through so much trial and error with therapists during the marriage, and how they often just chalked up my symptoms to Depression or Anxiety... which are way too broad, and of course none of the meds worked because those diagnoses weren't the issue. But I digress.

So at this moment in time, I am working through the Complex PTSD workbook, and will be starting an Intensive Skills Training weekly with my therapist so I can hit my 3 main goals:

Recognize and verbalize my emotions on the spot... so I don't get hit in the face by them later on after I've played them off like they're nothing, used passive aggression, or laughed them off like they're pathetic... and it'll help me set boundaries because I've never been actually taught how to growing up.

Learn to be okay with no closure... so I don't go home and obsessively wonder and fantasize about the "what-ifs" from that closure that I crave.

Stop overthinking so damn much... I don't have time for "what-ifs", and nor do the people with whom I am overthinking a conversation or concept.

After I finish this workbook and start that intensive training, I'll be writing again to share my journey to self-enlightenment.

If you too are on this journey, feel free to drop me an email and I'll be happy to answer questions or share stories.

Take care of yourself, learn about yourself, and do what you need to do in order to heal. Don't deny your feelings, and always put your needs first when you're going through a personal struggle.