Coffee Thoughts - Addiction Vs. Dependency

***Warning - this article contains content regarding drug use and addiction***

In a heated Reddit debate there was a discussion of what option would be best for a Redditor: methadone or heroin. I can’t recall the precise reason why he was hoping to understand the difference, I believe it was for pain management under doctoral supervision, but it is Reddit, so I cannot say for certain. I joined said discussion by saying that methadone is often used for addicts, but the side effects can be so harsh that many find it difficult as a stepping stone. Additionally, upon doing a test on heroin, a psychiatrist found that when you took the risk or uncertainty about the next fix - heroin addicts were more likely to return to functioning life and manage the issues that caused the addiction in the first place (if you want to read more about this test and the drug war in general please read “The War on Drugs: A Failed Experiment” by Paula Mallea). The debate that ensued was that there was a difference between “addiction” and “dependence” - you wouldn’t call someone with ADHD who takes their medication an addict, would you?

If I had continued the discussion, I knew that I would be relying upon personal experience, therefore, I stated what was factually proven and then discontinued my participation within the thread. I wanted to explain that, as someone with ADHD, when I had experimented with uppers I had not suffered the same unfortunate path as some of my friends - I had not become addicted. We later tied this together with my later diagnosis - I had not created a dependency because it did not offer me a high or an escape, I just calmed down and saw a bit more clearly. This led to my personal conclusion that persons with ADHD were not addicted, but took medication because they prefer their life being manageable (ie. not that we were physically dependent, but preferred a clear mind). In retrospect, that was a naïve belief.

When I held that belief, I had only just begun my medicated journey. After two years of daily medication, I forgot my medication when I embarked on a trip back home. At first, I didn't panic, there had been sporadic days where I had missed my medication in the past and I just had to cope with fatigue. I thought that a few days without clarity would be fine. If you haven’t guessed by now, it was not that simple.

I expected the first day to bring fatigue, but I wasn’t expecting the fatigue to be worse the next day; I especially did not expect that the second day would introduce a whole new set of symptoms. My entire body ached, I was depressed, I could barely get out of bed, my skin was in a constant state of oversensitivity and pain, and I felt as if I was caught perpetually on the edge of vomiting.

Since the symptoms had reached the point of unbeatability, I risked being late to my friend's wedding to drive to my doctor's office an hour away (they only had walk-in available when I called in advance). Once I got there, they said the soonest I would be able to speak to my doctor was in four days.

My partner and my mother suffered the most through this. Not only could I barely communicate, but I didn’t want to. My patience was thinner than a piece of gas station toilet paper. I tried to supplement with extensive amounts of caffeine, anything I could do to help bring myself back up, but nothing worked. My high priority work became impossible; I could barely even look at my computer screen.

After four days that felt akin to years, I finally spoke to my doctor. He was able to fax my prescription to the pharmacy down the road. I could barely wait until hanging up before shoving on my shoes. But my speed had made no difference, I had beat the prescription to the pharmacy. The pharmacy worker said that delays were normal and informed me to check in later. My brother and I ran some errands to distract my mind, and then returned in a huff. They still had not received my medication.

My body began to react differently as my head knew that my drugs were almost accessible. Anxiety coursed through my body as I lost the ability to stay still. I told the pharmacy rep that the main prescription I needed was my ADHD medication, I just needed to ensure that was filled as soon as the prescription came in. She agreed and said that they would send me a text when my medication had been filled.

As soon as that text came in, I zoomed over to the pharmacy. I could all but wait to get to the vehicle before taking my medication. One of the ironic things about taking an amphetamine derivative with ADHD is that it causes drowsiness (for me, at least). Once my medicated self returned to my mothers house, I took the best four hour nap of my entire life. When I awoke, I was finally back to normal. My body was no longer screaming. I could have a conversation with my mother. I could finally breathe.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes addiction as: a compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects and typically causing well-defined symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon withdrawal or abstinence : the state of being addicted.

Considering what I have just shared with you, my withdrawal fits within the definition of addiction. My work, my relationships, and my wellbeing were threatened during the week that I did not have access to my medication. But - this medication does not make me high. This medication does not send me on late night hyperactive adventures. This medication aids me to be aware of the other vehicles along the road, it lets me organize my files, to remember what I read, to remember my last conversation, it even allows me to recall where I put my phone.

Since ADHD is a disorder, we are quick to try to replace these withdrawal symptoms with the term “dependency”. Because that sounds better than addiction.

This unintentional experiment aided to open my eyes to how we perceive addiction. I understand that one's life can fall apart waiting for their next fix. Everyone’s addictions, and the reasons why they do so, are different. Often, people get addicted as a means to control physical or mental pain.

This article was not meant to incite fear, nor to state that ADHD medications are a bad thing - because they are what allow me to lead a successful life. More so, ADHD medications enable me to fulfil my basic life skills. This article was written to help others consider that the lines between prescription and nonprescription drugs is not as clear as we like to believe.

At the end of the day, we still panic about our next fix. If you have ever worried about your next drink, your morning coffee, or any habitual substance or action - you are dealing with a form of addiction. In my personal opinion, dependency and addiction are interchangeable. The greatest difference between myself and the “typical addict” is that it is safe for me to retrieve my required fix.

Thank you for taking the time to read the third article in my Coffee Thoughts series - a series with daily posts discussing various themes and topics to help educate or incite rumination (or any other random topic my mind veers to). All written while I finish my morning coffee. Stay tuned or subscribe for the next 'episode' of Coffee Thoughts!

This article is connected to a subject which I am very passionate about - how drugs are portrayed differently and are used as a form of segregation and inequalities. Additional articles regarding the societal implications of drugs are soon to come. I once again encourage you to read "The War on Drugs: A Failed Experiment" by Paula Mallea - no matter what your opinions or current knowledge on the topic of drugs are.