Candid Confessional

If we’re being honest, I believe ninety percent of people have called in sick to work without actually being sick. Personally, I’ve perfected the “I’m sick” voice on the phone and have even learned to throw in the occasional fake cough. My fake reason for calling in sick has been the same on various occasions. The truth is I actually don’t feel well, however the feelings are self induced. For years I had a problem with drinking alcohol and I'd call in sick when I was hungover. This was never my reason for calling in sick until after I moved out of my parents house.

My parents raised me to be concerned with what others thought of me. As a result, I didn’t drink much with friends or out in public. I would have the self control to have one drink while having dinner with my friends. I’d occasionally go out to bars with my friends on the weekends. We would drink and do karaoke. I’d often end up singing Celine Dion. The song I was known for was “My Heart Will Go On.”

Sometimes when people are hiding their true identity or have a big secret that they have been keeping that they are finally ready to part with, they say they are “ready to come out of the closet.” Growing up I shared a bedroom and a walk-in closet with my sister. She got half the closet and I got the other half. My older sister moved out, leaving me with the whole closet. For many years I was literally a “closet drinker.” I would sneak alcohol into my walk in closet, usually by hiding it in a large bag. As a result my alcohol would never be cold. My parents had no idea that I had a drinking problem. I would escape to my room and have a drink, then I’d go to the bathroom and brush my teeth. If I’d just had a lot to drink I sometimes did mouthwash as well. Then I’d go downstairs and be with the family as if nothing had happened.

Where the average person might be able to have a glass of wine and be done, I would drink the whole bottle. It was to the point that I would get excited for payday because it meant I could make a trip to the LCBO. I would mostly buy typical girl drinks and sometimes shots. It got so bad that I’d buy eight drinks and get through them all on Friday and Saturday night. Come Sunday I’d wonder where all my drinks went. The only person that I could blame was myself.

In the summer of 2002 I was going on a singing tour across Canada. There were lots of rules that had to be followed or you would be kicked off the tour. One of the rules was that you had to remain sober. This was very difficult for me but I did it because I didn’t want to get in trouble. I couldn’t imagine how embarrassing it would be to be sent home from the tour and have to explain the reason why to people. I cut the tour short because my Dad was dying of cancer and we didn’t know how long he had left. My last concert was in my hometown. I only missed the last week of the tour. It was a blessing that I’d sobered up because I was able to stay that way for a few years. When my brother came home for my Dad’s funeral he snuck alcohol in. He offered me one and I was able to tell him no. In the past I would have dealt with grief, sadness, anger, and depression by having a drink. It was my temporary escape from reality and negative emotions.

Although I’ve been on and off the bandwagon of sobriety more than a couple times, I now realize all the people in my life that love and support me and keep me accountable. I’m fourteen and a half months sober and going strong.

These days when I call in sick, it’s because I actually am.