Burned Out & Overwhelmed

The definition of the verb O·ver·whelm is to:

1.bury or drown beneath a huge mass

2.defeat completely

3.give too much of a thing to (someone); inundate

Funnily enough, I feel like the term "overwhelmed" is used so often these days that it has an underwhelming effect when people hear it. It is so easy to dismiss people who share feeling excessively swamped by societal pressures and state the platitude:

"Almost everyone feels this way. Just stay positive. "

The adjective Burn-out is to:

1. ruin one's health or become completely exhausted through overwork.

2. completely destroy a building or vehicle by fire, so that only a shell remains.

4.3 million people in the United States felt so much like empty shells that the up and quit their jobs in August 2021 (Time.com, Oct. 13). [Side bar: Fox business and WSJ are claiming that these people went missing in their version of this report. Like the lost people from the Mayan empire....Who never left either.]

Are these 4.3 million people weaker than past working generations or are they seriously being spread way to thin and then asked add paint thinner to spread out even more?

Yeah, it sounds like people are tired of being worked to death for scraps and no obvious return on their investment. I quit my job to save my sanity, spare what's left of my dignity and to help care for my dying friend. And then that plan backfired in my face because the culture in this country doesn't value labor that cannot be exploited to the point of abuse. After I abandoned ship on my ill-fated friend to save my own skin from obliteration, I was told that I was irrational and a wacko for valuing human life over money. I am convinced Jesus would just get crucified all over again for being a socialist if he came back. Go figure. What was irrational about the situation was how I knew so many people who had the means to help but were unwilling to help because.... of various reasons for another post.

Back to the main idea of this post:

I've been diagnosed with several disorders that no one has ever really sat down to have a proper conversation with me about. First, it was clinical depression. Cool, I took pills for that. Depression turned into mood disorder, because it is not normal to have extreme feelings during an existential crisis. Then this transformed into bipolar disorder (don't ask me which one, cuz they never told me, yo (''-__- ).

A few years later, I was told at the most ill-reputable psychiatric ward in Baltimore that I what "actually" have ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD by a caricature of a super villain (This doctor was very relatable and humerus but he wore a leather eye-patch. Eventually he was comfortable enough with me that he removed it in my presence. Let's just say, he appreciated my ability to maintain eye contact with his... firmly affixed eye) This man just so happened to also have ADHD, therefore he recognized my symptoms almost immediately. Got to love our unbiased healthcare system. Earlier this year, I had started seeing a new clinician. I was proof reading an application for housing I had asked him to fill out, and that is how I found out that I have borderline personality disorder. This licensed practitioner never, ever, mentioned this to my face. "We never got a chance," he says, since I had only met him about 4 or 5 times??

Have I really lost my god damn mind, or am I a victim being exploited?

I read about bi-polar burnout and how it can over lap with borderline personality burnout. Severe shifts in mood can cause intense fatigue. Did you know that fatigue isn't simply synonymous with feeling tired? Surprise**: it can make you feel unmotivated or better yet, ~Discouraged~ from seeking joy in life's simple pleasures.

SPOILER ALERT: Fatigue during spouts of mania can cause insomnia and restlessness(Healthline.com, Combatting Bipolar Disorder-Related Fatigue).

"Haha, don't worry Barbara, I'm not tired, I'm just fatigued and ignoring the emotional pain perpetuates my fatigue. This will all blow over until the cycle repeats because I can't afford a vacation."

What I hate about borderline personality disorder is the self-destructive behavior part. Despite what people stupidly believe by default, I do not enjoy when I lash out at loved ones or co-workers. I also think it's stupid that people still get shocked or offended when someone has a mental break down from stress.

The real offense are people who cross sensitive boundaries and then claim that someone is acting irrational and needs to be admitted to a psych ward.

I am tired for being blamed for being put in unreasonable circumstances that I have had no control over.

I am tired of being shamed for making poor decisions when I had my back against the wall.

I am tired of having to defend myself when I get justifiably upset for having an iron heel on my neck.

However, I must confess that I say horrible things when I get angry. It feels right when it's spewing out of mouth in the moment, but a melange of corrosive diction is the perfect accelerator for burning bridges. Hurtful language ruins relationships and after everything has been said and done, most of the time you are left alone listening to echoes in from the past.

My favorite piece of advice against ruminating is to "Stop thinking about it. " Eureka! What a ground-breaking discovery! By Jove I think I've got it now! These are the same people that tell atheists to give praying to God a chance. Sheer and utter brilliance displayed here folks.

Ahem, let me regroup here:

Trauma can lie dormant inside like a landmine and as soon as someone pulls an emotional trigger....BIG. BANG. Traumatic events lead to trauma which is the unresolved inner turmoil that turns into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. People that show certain symptms of PTSD get a bad rap around the block. Most of my PTSD comes from the various lunatics that I have crossed paths with in society.

I call myself the wannabe misanthrope because I am a people person who hates people.

No matter who I meet, I give the impression that I am kind, intelligent and benevolent person. People say to me aloud how they appreciate my frankness and sincerity. The worst part about being kind and benevolent is getting taken advantage of and then being expected to keep being taken advantage of like some sucker. The moment I try to preserve my mental health from their sinister intentions they turn the tables on me and try to make me feel guilty. Of course, at this point in my life, when instances like this occur, my inner monologue screams "FUCK FEELING GUILTY" and then KABOOM! Bye-bye person I was hoping to have a long lasting healthy relationship with.

Clearly, since this happens to me over and over, I have developed trust issues and now I have no desire get close to anyone. Did I also mention that I am hard-wired to release copious amounts of dopamine when I help people who can't help themselves, which always leads to my self-destruction? Co-dependency is not sexy. This is not fun for me!

I have anxiety triggers. I have trauma triggers. I have anger triggers.

These gaping wounds never got to heal and one cannot be expected to function like this.

I KNOW that I am definitely not the only one on the planet that feels this way.

Oh wow, look at you! You made to the end of my frenzied ranting's like a champ. Please, be the light shining down my pit of despair and subscribe or share this blog post to other people who are tired of normalizing the absurdity of our contemporary reality.

xoxo,

Elocin-Inobe

Illegitimi non carborundum,

Pugnare retro!