Buckets of Betrayal

It's not uncommon for the trauma experienced by victims of intimate partner violence to spill harmfully onto other relationships in the victim's life. Abusers use increasingly manipulative and violent tactics to isolate victims, often while putting on a wildly different public persona to fool others in their lives.

While recovering from five years of abuse is difficult enough, I've also been exploring the wounds caused by the betrayal trauma I endured from the people around me at the time. In many ways, those relationships are still in recovery as well.

Betrayal trauma occurs when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival significantly violate that person' s trust or well-being - Freyd (2008)

Don't get me wrong, I did plenty to harm my own relationships during my period of abuse. I actively pushed away several of my most essential loved ones when my partner didn't approve. I still struggle with a lot of self-blame and shame around those actions, although I was doing what I thought I had to do to survive.

This is a difficult part of CPTSD recovery; a big, multifaceted knot of emotions and memories to untangle.

As I've pulled at the threads of betrayal trauma I experienced in my relationships, I realized there are two main buckets these strings fell into:

1. A Bucketful of "But We LOVED You Guys Together"

I want to say this right at the start: I do not blame my family for loving my abuser. I loved him at one point, too. They were missing a huge part of the puzzle, the withholding of which my abuser forced me to take part in.

For five years, I did a great job of hiding my abuse from them because I was terrified of what my abuser would do if he found out. This meant downplaying and covering up for his severe alcoholism. It meant dragging him out of public when he got too belligerent; protecting his secret so he could continue inflicting his abuses on me in private.

I both couldn't tell anyone and blamed myself for not telling anyone. Each incident only increased the shame and embarrassment of having been complicit in my own physical, sexual, and emotional harm.

We both played our parts far too convincingly. My family adored what they were allowed to see of my abuser and I together. 

They called him family and welcomed him as such, assumed we'd eventually marry and make it official. They even encouraged us to make up from fights/get back together on several occasions, including after I found out he'd been cheating on me with multiple women. He was that good.

It took me finally telling them about the abuse, weeks after the breakup, for them to understand the truth of what he was.

Having those memories, even though I know they're the result of a lack of information, really does a number on me. When I think about those times, I still have to remind myself that they only defended him because they didn't know.

I know now that this was all a manipulation tactic by my abuser. He put on his best performance in front of them, then used their approval to make me doubt my own experiences, making it harder to escape. He used threats and fear to make me help him hide the warning signs of abuse, causing me to feel ashamed of the harm I never deserved.

All of this created a perfect environment for him, one where he could reap the benefits of his continued abuse. A place where I felt I had absolutely no support when it came to finding safety or reporting what was happening.

What. A. Fucking. Asshole.

2. A Bucketful of "Oh Thank GOD, We HATED That Guy"

On the other end of the spectrum, many of my friends reacted with a kind of over-the-top relief when my abuser and I broke up that caught me off guard. Many said they'd never trusted him, actively hated him, and/or gotten terrible, aggressive vibes.

What truly bummed me out was that in so many cases I was hearing this for the first time.

I don't know if I'd have been in a place to hear it, but I do still wish they'd have tried to bring their concerns to me while I was in it. Maybe it could have gotten to me earlier.

I did bring these feelings up with a few of my close friends recently, making it clear that I didn't harbor any anger toward them. Each one said the same thing: they were worried telling me about their concerns would hurt our relationship.

This type of thinking has to be combatted. We absolutely need to normalize openly communicating with trusted loved ones about our romantic partners. They may see something we don't because we're too close to the situation or because we're being manipulated.

These conversations are obviously going to be uncomfortable, but the more we practice and remain open-minded, the easier they'll become. I truly believe conversations like this will rip down the curtains hiding many abusive relationships and save those currently experiencing abuse.

Unfortunately, abuse is so common that I've had to put my money where my mouth is in similar scenarios since escaping my own situation. I've had several difficult conversations about abusive or manipulative patterns I've noticed in relationships that are close to me, and I will continue to do so whenever I see it. Knowing so intimately what happens when no one steps in makes it impossible for me to ignore at this point.

Conclusion

The more I've reflected on my trauma and the tangle of emotions surrounding it, the more I realize that most of these perceived betrayals resulted directly from my ex's manipulation and isolation tactics. He set out to harm my relationships because he wanted me to be completely reliant on him for all support. Knowing this helps me reframe these memories as just another form of his abuse.

I'm wildly thankful to say that once I finally escaped and confided in them about the abuse, my true loved ones have been incredibly supportive of me. It actually brings me to tears to think of how much they've shown up. 

Without my family and friends, my dogs and I wouldn't have had safe places to escape to. We wouldn't have been able to get away with almost all of my personal belongings or had the resources to begin recovering. I also wouldn't have found out what my abuser has been up to lately and been motivated to start this blog in the hopes of helping others.

I absolutely refuse to let anyone feel alone in their abuse. That's why I'm trying to make talking about my own as normal as possible, and actively calling it out when I see it. 

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