Black

I googled the definition of suicidal today. It scared me. I would've never thought myself suicidal because I don't consciously think about killing myself. I don't want to kill myself at all. I don't even want to die. But the definition I read didn't mention anything about wanting to do it. It just said that a suicidal person is someone who is deeply depressed and is likely to commit suicide. Likely to. That could mean anything. It could mean that I could just get so deep in my depression that I just up and kill myself one day. That's not what I want. That's not what I want! THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT!

Aniya closed her journal and sighed heavily. "There has to be some way to prevent this," she mumbled. She knew she couldn't tell her parents. What would that do? Put her in therapy? They'd probably drug her. Or put her on suicide watch. And isn't that for people who actually have the urge to kill themselves? Not just the thoughts?

And her thoughts weren't even all that deep. Just every now and then a voice in her head would pop up and say "Die!" or "This could be your last day." or "If you died today would you be happy with the person you've become? No. So just end it." But she;d dismiss the thoughts with a quickness. She'd have these fights in her head with herself proving to her enemies that she needs to be here. That she deserves to be here.

Looking up the definition was supposed to assure her that she was okay. But all it's done is made her worry. It's made her anxious and frustrated. And overall just unhappy. She could've swore she was out of her funk. Out of the fog and up the steep hill to happy days and paradise. Was she wrong? No...right?

She decided she would take a nap. She was tired after all. She stressed herself out for nothing. She put her journal on her night stand and laid flat on her stomach. Hands underneath her pillow, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"But what if I die in my sleep? Is this the end for me? Am I tired because I'm tired or am I tired because I am about to die? Is dying in your sleep while being depressed considered suicidal? Can you actually die from depression? Is this how it's done sometimes? Do I even need to lay down right now? Is a nap necessary?"

Her thoughts raced and raced until she decided to get up and out of her bed. "I don't need a nap. I can just wait until it's time for me to go to bed."

She paced her room a bit just to get her heart pumping even more than it already. In her head, this would give her an adrenaline rush and give her the energy to find something to do before she lost it. She put on her slides, ran downstairs and grabbed her keys and went for a walk outside. She told her parents she was going out but should be back soon. She just needed some air.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She hoped that this walk would cleanse her of all the negative thoughts she was having. She hated worrying. Especially about things that were out of her control. She can't control dying in her sleep, so why worry about it? Why even make it an issue. She began her walk around the block.

"This doesn't fix much," she thought. "But at least I've calmed down a bit."