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Bittersweet Victory

My Thoughts About Being The Admin For Vocal Creators Saloon So Far And Why Self-Care Is Important

By teisha lesheaPublished 3 years ago 8 min read
14
Bittersweet Victory
Photo by Hybrid on Unsplash

February was good to me. At Vocal, the powers that be approached me for a Black History Month feature and asked me for a story for the FYI community. During my strong start, I got blocked from a famous Vocal Facebook Group, so I created Vocal Creators Saloon; today, the group has grown to 148 members in two weeks. My heart is genuinely full on how many current/new members are willing to take a risk on a new group. With over twenty member requests a day and a flood of direct messages, I felt slightly overwhelmed. Soon after, I realized that the group was consuming my day-to-day responsibilities.

My overly-consumption led me to abandon being in the present moment with my family and finishing writing projects. The big wake-up call happened when I was on the verge of tears one evening. At that moment, I closed my laptop and asked, "what the hell is wrong with me?" After sitting in silence, I realized that my depression started to come out of hiding and needs some attention. I've been thinking of ways to be present for the group and get my needs met. Self-care is a priority for me, and it has alleviated some close calls on my depression. I'm also very intuitive and can have check-ins with myself from time to time. Anything from "how are you feeling" to "are you hungry?" is a habit that I've mastered over the past two years, and it has allowed me to make the adjustments. Here are my thoughts on being a Facebook Group Admin and what I'm doing to incorporate self-care.

I want to make it clear that I enjoy every member of the group. It's inspiring to try new ways to express myself and step out of my comfort zone. To see so many members shout at the group and me out brings tears of joy. My small deed has impacted so many Vocal members.

What I Love

I admire everyone's enthusiasm from new members and current ones with their out-of-the-box creativity. I've gained a new admiration for fiction writing and short stories. Many of them inspired me to participate in the Little Black Book Challenge. The support from one another is heartfelt. My group's objective was to encourage fellow creatives, share other's work along with their own, and inspire others. I've also learned to welcome constructive criticism, which is the only way I can see us improving. What was most impressive is the humility and gratefulness that the members all share. To see a DM from someone asking me if they could assist me in any way or comments reminding me that I'm doing a great job has brought a sigh of relief.

What I've Learned So Far

The Number of Reads Has Decreased

The group's mission will always stand: to share and support others, but as the group continues to grow, my reads are dwindling. I believe in good karma, and what you give comes back tenfold. I've received bonuses, tips, and opportunities to post stories to land on the Top Story page, but I'm passionate about being recognized for topics that I'm passionate about; I label myself a writer first, then a writer who so happens runs a Facebook group. I post my stories, read others, and provide feedback whenever I can, but recently, as I look at my stats, the numbers don't reflect like I thought they should. I currently can't pinpoint the real reason I can only rely on those addictive analytics.

My Perfectionism Is Triggering My Depression

Rules and regulations have been at the forefront of this group. If I provide a How-To guide, it would be easier for the group members and me. I quickly learned that it's not working, and, in many cases, it has caused frustration and disappointment. Rules set the tone, but I feel like sometimes people have the mentality of "fuck your tone and read my work." If my mission is to support everyone and see the same five people out of 100 doing the supporting, I felt like I did something wrong. I've questioned if I was speaking clearly or if my instructions are confusing. My joy quickly turned into sadness; what people don't understand is being an admin is hard, and sometimes I felt my hard work going unnoticed. Again, I am grateful that some members continuously show love and appreciation. I understand that as a writer, you work hard to put words to paper to make it look effortless. But sometimes, I would like my stories labeled as inspiring or have an everlasting impression. I mean, don't we all? Writers can become egotistical at times, and I'm willing to admit that.

Once you receive that email from Vocal that "your story has been approved," you feel like you have seconds on the clock to spew your link to as many outlets as possible. One hard lesson I learned is that words don't have an expiration date. If you've written good quality, then those words are timeless. They will live on the internet forever. Since I feel like my objective across it creates emotional triggers with questions like "Why did I create this group?" or "I don't want to do this anymore. I want to write." I understand that the bigger picture is beyond me now, and deleting the group would leave many up-and-coming writers without the support they need.

My Personality-Results Don't Lie

After reading C.R Hughes's zodiac article, she listed how her personality test results correlate to her zodiac sign. I decided to retake my personality test to see how it changed as a 30-something year-old-woman. I wanted to know how my personality impacted the way I'm currently feeling, and the results weren't shocking at all.

  • Humble and shy
  • Take Things Too Personally
  • Repress Their Feelings
  • Overload Themselves
  • Reluctant to change
  • Too Altruistic

One trait that stood out was Overload Themselves which means I'm doing too much at one time. I've never paced myself. It has always been to "just find the solution no matter what" if that means I spend extra hours on the task, then that's what I'm going to do which-in-turn alerts my perfectionism. I am humble and shy to a certain extent, but that currently doesn't relate to how I manage it. Depending on the day, I can take things personally.

Self-Care Tips

Attending therapy for the past two years has introduced me to tools to navigate any rough patch with depression. My determination for depression not to consume me has become my mission. I've worked so hard to go backward, and I won't. I've already started to create ways to incorporate self-care into my everyday routine and still be an asset to the group.

Here's what I've done so far

Turned off Facebook Group Notifications

The only way I can see any notification is if I open the app or the website. It's harder than it sounds because every three minutes, I experience the urge to open the app and "browse" to make sure it's running smoothly. As I'm writing this, I'm experiencing somewhat of a withdrawal. I can't help that I'm nosey. But I must reduce my social media time.

Take a week off!

Decided to take a week off is a tough decision, but I felt so consumed with the group that I didn't give myself time to breathe. I decided to give myself a week because I need it and it gives me room to do some writing of my own. Surrounding myself with great writers, I find myself second-guessing myself. At times, I felt like a hypocrite because I would advise other members not to focus on being like the next writer and just to be yourself in the meantime; I'm whispering to myself that I suck. That's why I need to take a week off. I need time to re-evaluate, relax, relate, and release. Thank you all to the members who encouraged me to take some time. Our mental health should be everyone's priority.

Create a schedule of Monday's, Wednesday's, and Thursdays

These days have become an epic fail. I haven't figured out yet if these days work for writing or monitoring the group. Somehow, I still find myself writing a story and looking at the group to need an accountability partner to keep me straight and narrow. I don't give up quickly, so I will create a suitable schedule for my needs.

Schedule posts

Being the admin allows me to have access that most members won't have. I have the opportunity to schedule all of my posts for the month. It allows me not to be so clued to the group. I can eat breakfast and post a weekly thread, which I created to simultaneously publish their most recent articles. It's been heaven-sent.

Get Some Rest Champ

I have my bouts with insomnia for years; the cycle never changes. Go to bed at 2 am, wake up at 6 am, go through my day tired and repeat. I created this group at 2:30 am on a whim. I can't complain, but in the same breath, it becomes challenging to function daily. I had to get real with myself and admit that my depression is present, and the longer I ignore her, the stronger she will come. I cannot allow myself to be hard-headed and neglect the one thing that has eaten me alive at one point in time.

I urge all creatives not to get caught up in instant gratification. Please check-in with yourself. If you are tired, rest, eat, learn to say no, sleep, drink water, and move your body.

Click here to read more of my stories. I only profit off this website through reads and tips, so your curiosity is much appreciated.

If you are looking for a group of writers who supports, provides feedback, reads, like, and provide tips, then join Vocal Creators Saloon. A small community with tons of advice and writing prompts will help you through your writer's journey.

selfcare
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About the Creator

teisha leshea

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