Being Admitted to Psych

Content Warning; reference to self harm, drugs, disturbing moments (do note that though it is a lot to take in, it is extremely insightful into drug induced psychosis and being in the psychiatric ward of the hospital. My visit will not be the same as anyone else due to personal circumstances however I will do my best to be as informative as I am able)

At the end of February of 2020, I was admitted to a hospital (I will not disclose which hospital by name). Events leading up to the hospitalization were intense and made it necessary. I was not a big fan of attending the hospital but knew it was needed. During this, I will try to be as informational about the events leading up to and during the hospitalization as possible; however circumstances leading after I was admitted has left me hazy on certain details. Overall, I'm glad I went and if you are nervous about attending a hospital near you, I hope that this will help you feel more comfortable with going.

So what happened?

At the time, I did not know this event was the cause of my psychotic episode. About a week before I was admitted, I had done MDMA (Molly or M), or I had thought. Between two days I did about two grams, admitted orally and nasally. The next few days I felt lower than I usually did after MDMA. After three days of crying constantly and not able to get the idea that I was awful out of my head, I looked at my (now) ex-boyfriend (C) and told him if I got worse I wanted to be sent to the hospital. He thought I was kidding but agreed. The next couple days were foggy until right before I was admitted. I had cut my wrist up badly after locking myself in the bathroom. At the time, my head was telling me that it was the only way to make it stop yelling things at me. I still remember what was running through my head on repeat.

I knew instantly what I had done, I felt numb. I threw away whatever I used and came out of the bathroom, my mom had me pack a bag. I remember C not being able to look at me. I didn't take my teddy bear because of it; I didn't think he would want me bringing the teddy bear (named Lucky) he bought for me to the hospital when he was upset. I didn't say a word until I was in the hospital waiting room. I was really scared.

They brought me into a isolated room, which scared me even more. I could see my mom talking, crying to the nurse through the window. I was frustrated because they weren't talking to me about what was going on. I started to get really upset, I started crying and begging at the window. I didn't want to be locked in a room. After what felt like hours, three or four security guards accompanied by two nurses opened the door. I couldn't hold in my emotions anymore. I started begging for them not to take me, they then grabbed my arm and pulled me to the isolation section of the ward.

I started to freak out more, I didn't want to be put in isolation of all places. Silence is what got me stuck in that loop in the first place. Both nurses had the guards grab me, then they ejected something in my arms, one shot each arm; we weren't even at my room yet. I lost it more, I tried to punch one of the guards trying to get them to let me go. They just grabbed me harder, next thing I knew we were at the room. They tried to hand me a water bottle but I just threw it and spit on their shoes.

They all stood over me after I had fallen onto the single mattress in the room. The nurse gave me another injection. I passed out not long after that.

Welcome to the Hospital

I woke up the next morning, unsure of the time, in a plain room with nothing but a mattress inhabiting the small open space. There was a giant window at the end of the room, I found myself sleeping next to it most nights. I went to check the door to see it was locked, I began to get upset but not nearly as upset as the night before. I begged them to let me call my mom, I couldn't stop thinking about my teddy bear. An hour later, they let me use the bathroom and the phone.

She brought Lucky Bear and some McDonalds to me, but I was still on edge. I don't remember much else about that day except for a vague memory of throwing water through the room when I was upset. I don't remember why. Once again I was given injections before falling asleep.

I don't remember getting up or doing anything the next day except for a visit with C and my mom. C sat there silently. He hadn't slept, he claimed it was because he was worried about me but then said he was scared entering the hospital. I stopping fighting him on it and focused on visiting with my mom. She noticed I was still irritated and asked the nurse to let me try nicotine patches since I was a heavy smoker. A few minutes later I finally calmed down. C and my mum left not long after that.

My friend, K, would always visit me. She visited me that day after my mom left with C. K brought me McDonalds and a hug, followed by an apology she couldn't get in sooner. She didn't need to though. She was my literal ray of sunshine. She always brought me food when she came because she knew how bad the food was. The chicken was literally steamed with false grill marks on it. It was not good at all.

The isolation ward was not fancy or re done like general population, it hadn't gotten a television, books, or any entertainment. It was draining, the only thing that kept me grounded were my tarot cards. I didn't always understand them as I was still learning but it brought a calm over me during the chaos.

There were few other patients in the ward with me, they all were very different. There was J, he was admitted because of a misunderstanding with the doctor as he was getting angry and the doctor thought he was in danger. J was not happy with his diagnosis but otherwise he was my favorite person in there. There was also Red, she had been there for a while and had clear signs of delusion. She often had moments where she would not wear clothes or she would freak out due to the clothes we were required to wear in the hospital. Finally there was B, she had moments of lucidity and was quite intelligent. However she also easily was caught in paranoid delusions.

After about four days in the isolation ward, I was ready to be moved into the general population ward. It was much nicer, had more patients and nurses, and you were allowed your instruments. The room had a proper bed in the center and a desk next to a dresser where you could put clothes as you could wear proper clothes in this section.

There were a couple incidents that I believe hospital staff should have been more vigilant and done more about but did not due to the age and tenure of the patients causing the issues. Both were elder men, the first one I believe was Autistic due to experience but was not sure, the second one was having delusions.

I was in the commons room with C, as I got up to get some juice the first man was standing in the area. When I returned, C was laughing and trying to contain himself. He claimed it was because the man had put his hand in his pants and was pressuring himself. After being released, I saw this man in hospital attire at a bus stop. I should have called the hospital but the person I was with said not to bother.

The second man had made sexual comments on my body in front of a nurse, she even encouraged the behavior. Later, he burst into a group session and began yelling, none of the staff did anything to de escalate the situation.

I did not spend long here, I was on home passes almost every day and was released after one week total. It was a hard and terrifying experience but I am overall glad I went at that point in time. Though it was stressful, my physical safety depended on me getting away from my house which was triggering it. If you feel you need to go, then do not hesitate. Go to a different city if you need to. But it will be worth it to take as break from your surroundings.