Aurora

Recently I argued with a friend of sorts... about my service animal - Aurora. She is a miniature horse and she stands out. And this individual was upset and in pain for me because she didn't want me ostracized for being "different" while living in a small, fairly closed-minded community. Why do I fight for Aurora? Why am I doing this for myself? Putting myself at so much risk of being closed off... in New York City, it wouldn't be as bad because there's so much more to think about and do, but in this tiny town? Putting it all on the line - for a horse - seemed absurd to her.

She will likely never read this, but if she does, I'm still sorry for the intense meltdown that I had. I tried to put this into words, but I still freeze up when talking sometimes... ok, a lot of times... and I froze during our talk and it came out as tears and anger. I am sorry. We are okay, but I really could have handled that conversation a lot better. I've practiced it in my head a few dozen times now and maybe the next time, I will be able to vocalize the answer instead of melting into a puddle of tears. *smile*

Why do I fight for Aurora?

Let's first look at a day without her. June 15 of this year. My oldest flooded the bathroom after I spent the hour-and-a-half break I had from him cleaning. So I was already exhausted from what was really a minuscule amount of work and then I got to deep clean the bathroom too. My youngest is starting terrible twos. I am holding steady though. I don't have to leave the house. I can make it. But... on my schedule is an outing. With people. With what is an unknown location and an unknown amount of people - and I have a friend who asked me to take her son and I said I would because I'm going anyway, I already said that I would.

But then as I am making the arrangements, I start to feel like I don't really want to go, but my kids know - my friend is counting on me... I have to go. I don't really have a choice here because I am stuck between being a good parent/friend or just... giving up on the side effects of my illness. So I go anyway.

What arrangements need to be made? Good question. Because of my disability, I have to have 2 trusted parties on standby to care for my kids if something goes very wrong and I need a higher dose of medication tonight. I have to have someone on standby to come get us if something goes wrong. My friend doesn't know about my disability yet, so I am concerned even more about that being an issue if something happens. I have to have medication on me, but not in a visible manner - yet also easily accessible. I have to weigh the pros of taking a small dose (calming) with the cons (it could mean that I wouldn't be about to drive if I make the tiniest error regarding dosage). I have to make sure that my support team is on standby because if things go completely sideways and I end up in the hospital, I no longer have the guardianship paperwork to fall back on. I have to make sure that no matter what, I stay calm.

The trip goes well. But when I get home, I am exhausted. I just want to crash, but there was poison ivy, and the kids needed to be bathed. So again, I could choose to crash, but no - I do the impossible anyway. And then there is the extended family drama to deal with that night... and then I spiraled until the 22nd.

By spiraled I mean that I did the bare minimum. My kids had food, clean clothes, got played with, and read to, all those things that should be basic needs met. The dishes got washed, the kid's clothes were washed, and the safety things (trash, vacuuming, etc.) got done even though if I didn't have my kids, I promise you it wouldn't have happened. I might have worn the same clothes for days. I may have not brushed my hair. I may have even taken the kids outside to play in my pj's! Privacy fences are nice ya'll... And I may not have eaten unless someone (like my Mom) growled that coffee and hot chocolate mix are not a meal - let alone 3 meals.

About the 23rd, I finally was able to stop the spiral enough to start picking up the pieces. Crash the pile of boxes. Sort the stack of mail. The bedding that I never did, because I just used my extra sets and couldn't cope with that extra load of laundry. The brushing of my hair. Cooking a meal for me from scratch instead of a microwave dinner.

This is my life. This is with an average of 20-some hours per month of mandated reporters monitoring my situation to keep me and my family at stability. I wanted to be excited about that trip. I want more out of my life than the bare minimum. I know what recharges me.

Being alone on a walk. That is recharging but carries too high of a risk. I have a hard time with law enforcement. I don't do well interacting with strangers. I have a tendency to run. I get lost. I panic. Just not a good idea overall. So I have to schedule it with someone. Oh wait, didn't I say "alone?"

Going to a nature area. That is recharging, but carries more of a risk list than going for a walk alone because I'm going to have to drive there. The great thing about Google maps and small towns? It works ... oh wait, make a u-turn, never mind, recalculating....... and then add everything else in? No thanks.

So the goal is to leave the property: not get exhausted... but not isolated... but not get called into law enforcement because you look panicked (because you probably are terrified of your own shadow)... but take time for you to recharge... but do it safely and smartly... and is your brain hurting yet? Mine is.

But this is my life in all of the cold, hard facts and truths.

And it is so much better with my kids because they give me all of the reasons to do stuff anyway... they are the driving force behind WHY I am doing as great as I am. The reason why I am doing so much better than 6 years ago.

So let's add in Aurora.

October 4th. I haven't had services for almost 10 days. I have been dealing with discrimination. I was assaulted. My support system is falling apart around me. My oldest is having problems with his special needs that I need to address. Paperwork needs to be done. I have no energy left to do the basics. I just want to medicate and sleep and hope that this all fixes itself.

Typically in times like this? My Mom gets to come to spend a week or two with me to help me reset.

This time? She hasn't arrived and there is no plan for her to come. Aurora is here. Aurora likes schedules. Aurora opens doors. Aurora is grumpier than any person I know when I don't wanna listen to reason. I WILL get up. I WILL go to bed at a reasonable time. I WILL pick up the floor because she doesn't like stuff in her way. And I WILL go for that walk alone because she will take me home. And apparently, I also will NOT be running from anyone with a badge because she refuses to move under my orders when we are being questioned.

And if any of ya'll think that arguing with a mini horse is not a big deal, do me a favor and find someone with a very large dog that refuses to leave you alone if you ain't petting it. Preferably one that thinks that if you aren't petting it, all 100-some pounds needs to be a lap puppy. Now stay in a room with said doggy and DO NOT PET IT! How long can you last? Aurora is trained to be very insistent when she needs to be, so equate that with also not being allowed to even breathe a no to your needy pupper friend. I'm going to guess you'll last maybe as long as I did with my last argument with Aurora - 40 minutes. She said that it was bedtime and I said otherwise. Last I checked, I lost. *smile* It was midnight. I needed to be still long enough for my body to collapse. She made sure that I was in bed when that happened.

So while a lot of things are coming undone and falling apart... my Mom isn't here rescuing me - because of Aurora; my workers aren't getting completely flooded with ER paperwork and "panicking me" paperwork as I lose my grip on reality - because of Aurora, and I am still doing more of a routine than I did in June - because of Aurora.

Now, I'm not saying everything is hunky dory now that I have Aurora. If I continue to not get services next week, there will probably need to be a trip in my Mom's planner - and bless my provider's hearts if that happens... in a southern sense that is 'cause my mama ain't gonna be all nice and sweet if'n she has to come due to their ineptitude.

I am saying that Aurora's training gives me an extra layer of protection. Her training gives me a little bit more independence with leaving the property and not having quite as many cons.

I fight for Aurora because I deserve to have the opportunity to leave my house without feeling like I'm checking all the potential boxes regarding the safety and stability of my children before I leave for a mandatory vacation at a nice hotel with lots of people wearing white demanding that I take extra drugs. ;) I deserve to be allowed to just take a 30-minute walk alone without prepping for my whole world to be torn asunder.

If I am allowed (and encouraged) to wear glasses to see, to use a crutch if I twisted my ankle, or to wear a cast if I break a bone... then why should I not be encouraged to have an animal that provides a service that otherwise takes 20-some steps to safely schedule?

Because, in case you didn't know, most people don't have a 20-step checklist to take their kids to the park next door (without counting the kid's checklist for packing for the said event)... they tend to save my checklist for when they have a huge cross-country trip. I'm not even allowed to think about a cross-country trip alone. Trust me, I started thinking of it one day and was shot down by every person who figured out that I was just considering going cross-country by myself (or with my kids) and with no support staff immediately planned. Not planning... considering whether or not to plan...

Why should I fight for Aurora? For the same reason I do 20-some hours of meetings with support people: to allow me to live a better, a "more normal" life like I see my friends lead.