Anxiousness

Life is full of pressures. Little pressures, big pressures, peer pressures, personal pressures, pressures from work, pressures from society. Everyday we are getting squeezed tighter and tighter by the pressures of life. Sometimes it is the pressures that we think exist that are the most debilitating. It’s a thought that, ‘if I don’t do this, then all hell will break loose!’. Or, ‘I know I need to get this done, but I just don’t have it in me to keep going right now. I need a break. I want to sleep. I want to cry. I want to numb. I want to be quiet. Maybe not forever, but a few days? Maybe if I just have a few days free from the pressure, then I will reset and I can lumber on for a bit longer. Maybe it’s the monotonous dredge of the day-to-day that has been slowly eroding my psyche to the point where my nerves are shattered and my head is pounding, and my heart is breaking because I question just how much longer I can go on.’

Anxiety is a thief of joy - that is so incredibly true. But it also is a thief of health, of connection, of experience. Anxiety destroys so much more than joy - it steals hope.

I feel so much pressure. I feel that if I don’t keep holding up these pillars in my life, that not only my house will fall, but those around me as well. At the core of my strength is my anxiety. My anxiety feeds the strength that people see in me and although that may seem to carry me through the tough times, it corrupts my spirit. For each day that passes, the anxiety grows, and the need to strengthen increases. It’s a damaging cycle that I fear will leave me hollow and empty inside while the anxiety overpowers the strength that I had to build up and I will be lost to hopelessness.

However, I see the spark of light within my days as I lie awake at night. Sometimes it’s easier to look back for the good things in your life than try to find it while you’re amid trial and tribulation. A kind gesture or a loving word from someone reflects back through the distress of the day. A sparkle that I ignored at the time, but can now appreciate as I struggle to find reasons to not cry myself to sleep, and I can smile at the thought that someone was kind in the midst of my chaos.

The one thing that does push me is my stubbornness. I have always been a stubborn person, refusing to give up, despite my frequent challenges in life. Giving up for me is not an option, allowing myself to be overcome with grief from a failure or a loss - this is not something that I am prepared to do. My anxiety and my unwillingness to surrender to the sometimes crippling doubt and worry that is ever present in my mind leaves my inner self bruised and bleeding. A constant inner war rages as my days pass. I long for the battle to end, but not at the expense of my future. My life can be more than this pressure, this anxiousness - it will be.

Self-imposed pressures to drudge on, despite the screaming anxiousness in the background, are what push me to continue day after day. The love and support from those in my life, who know little of my internal struggle, keep the glimmers of hope alive. I seek the sparkles of my days in the evening as I reflect on my day and I am seeing more and more to smile about. My existence seems a little less gloomy as I actively search for the joy in each day.

Anxiety is part of my life - it is part of who I am, and I have come to accept that. That being said, it is not all that I am. Everyone’s life has struggles, anxiety is one of my struggles, and it’s something that I may battle for the rest of my life. Some days are harder than others, but I keep pressing on because I refuse to stop in the middle of my story. My struggles help shape me, they give me empathy towards others, and experiences that I can share. Struggles bring forth connection with others with similar issues. Is it a burden? Yes, but I can use this challenge to help others, and that fills me with hope and purpose.

Living a life with anxiety isn’t something that I would wish on anyone, but if my life can help someone else, bring on the rain.

#anxiety #strength #mentalhealth #pressure # life #hope