Anxiety and me!

Anxiety is your body's natural response to stress. It's a feeling of fear or apprehension about what's to come. If you are like me, anxiety can become quite an embellished experience. I merely go to the worst-case scenario in my mind. I have an example of my anxiety embellishments to share with you today that happened to me over the weekend.

On Saturday night, I was out of town with my autistic daughter Haylee. We travelled to visit my mom. My mom helps me care for Haylee to provide respite for myself once a week. Also, my mother is a hairdresser, and Haylee needed her haircut. During our visit, we were made aware by a social media page that there is a stop check happening to come in and out of town. I don't drink or do drugs, so why would this give me anxiety? Well, I will tell you. Haylee does not behave in the car for me. Not even slightly. She refuses to wear a seatbelt, hits me, and throws items. Haylee will thrust her body back against the seat, scream, punch the dash, and hit her head against the window. Why? We don't know. I have made many recordings with a dashcam for Haylee's team of specialists. They have yet to figure out a trigger. All we know is that I can't talk. Whenever I speak, her anger projects my way so, I have to remain silent and just let whatever happens, happens. I have a fear of being pulled over. A fear that the Officer will see her not in a seatbelt and thrusting herself in rage. I fear that the Officer will see me as an unfit parent and call the Ministery of Social Services. I know his sounds like a crazy scenario, but my anxiety makes me feel like this scenario could happen. I decided to wait till later in the evening to head back home. Maybe the stop check will not be there. Around 10 PM, I decided I have to face my fears. Haylee was tired, and my parents were tired too.

As the flashing lights of police cars come into view, my body tensed, my tummy hurt, and I started to tear up. Anxiety was growing, but for Haylee, I remained calm because she was not calm. The flashing lights were overstimulating, and Haylee went into a total meltdown. She was screaming, thrusting, and hitting herself. A thought came to mind that maybe I could creep by; perhaps if I pretended I was invisible, the police would not see me. Yeah, that didn't happen. An officer ended up yelling at me to pull over, and I did. He approached my car, and I rolled down the window.

"Did you not see me?" He asked. "Why did you not pull over back there?"

"I'm sorry, my daughter is autistic, and all these lights are overstimulating her. I was trying to get her away from the scene," Was my quick response.

Like I was going to say, I hope you didn't see me. The Officer saw Haylee's actions taking place and nodded. He asked for my licence and registration, typically protocol. I handed him my licence but had to tell him why I did not provide my registration. See, Haylee has damaged my glove compartment so severely that it will no longer open. My belongings in my glove compartment were trapped, along with my registration. The Officer once again nodded and disappeared to run my plates. Haylee has now calmed down by this point. When the Officer returned to give back my licence, I was hoping this was it, and I could drive away. Nope!

"Have you had anything to drink tonight, Melissa?" He asked.

I wanted to punch him. Are you kidding me? I thought.

"No, sir," I said.

"Have you smoked any marijuana?"

Fuck you!

"No, Sir," I said again.

"Ok, you are free to go, but next time you pull over immediately." He demanded.

Well, it's about time!

"Thank you. I will" I rolled up the window and drove away.

I cried the rest of the way home while Haylee fell asleep. I made it through that stop check without being questioned about my parenting skills. The Officer did not call the Ministry of Social Services. It was very dark on the highway, and I don't think he noticed the seatbelt issue. Even though the event was over, I still thought about what might have gone wrong into the next day. I still fear that next time I won't be so lucky. Next time I will be made an unfit parent. Why should I continue to think that? The universe just showed me that that scenario would never happen! My anxiety has made me believe that it will happen. It feeds me fear of what may come but never does. So, what do you do about it?

Here are a few strategies for next time:

- Breathe. Try breathing in for four counts and breathing out for four counts five times.

- Question your thought pattern. Negative thoughts can take root in your mind and distort the severity of the situation. One way is to challenge your fears, ask if they're true, and see where you can take back control.

- Know that this is anxiety. Identifying why you are feeling this way can help calm you.

- Try the 3-3-3 rule. Look around you and name three things you see. Then, name three sounds you hear. Finally, move three parts of your body -- your ankle, fingers, or arm. Whenever you feel your brain going 100 miles per hour, this mental trick can help center your mind, bringing you back to the present moment.

I hope that my story has helped you identify some anxiety you have in your life. Understand that our imagination can bring stress that is not relevant, causing strain. Being pulled over by the police is stressful alone, and my fears of being seen as an unfit parent caused anxiety. I need to hold onto the fact checks that this will never happen. Let's all Breath and take back control.