An Ode to my Insanity

Hello everyone, it’s me. Desmina de Vil.

I write this blog from the London Stansted Airport, which I will be making a home for the rest of the night. I fear that the two missed flights on my way to Frankfurt are a hint from the Universe that maybe I should turn my back on this chaotic and arduous path, and yet I persist.

I have a confession to make. I am completely delusional. I am insane. I am a maniac. I am psychotic. I am crazy. In the high of my delusions I feel entirely powerful, entirely capable of achieving anything I imagine. I put the full force of my belief into my words and stories, and with belief and faith I feel I have the power to manipulate and bend reality to the story I write into the Internet. I am a force to be reckoned with, an enchantress, warrior, and witch weaving the seemingly impossible.

But when the highs start crashing I become acutely aware of my insanity. I become aware that I am a character born, created, and written from delusion. I doubt the foundation of my entire being. I wonder if I am real. If I’m a pathological liar. If my existence is a lie itself. It becomes difficult to rationalize my delusions. I shame myself, undermining the profundity of my visions and intellect and chastising the egotistical nature of my dreams and goals. Right now it feels like my entire reality and identity are crashing from under, around, and within me. It seems like the inescapable cycle of the human ego, even if I don’t feel human.

I know how to make fun of myself, my delusions, and my narcissism. Doing so relieves me of some of the pain of my grief. Jokes give me some semblance of control or explanation for my unhinged behavior. It gives me permission to continue writing and presenting my story how I desire it to be perceived- as a very serious joke.

And my experiences with psychosis have informed me that there is Truth to every story told, every imagination to be imagined. While these eternal truths and falsities may not play out in this material reality, they arrive from realities beyond this realm. Characters, archetypes, and energies and the stories that engulf them are repeating and cyclical truths and experiences grounded in emotion and spirit performed through artistic expression.

I do exist, because I imagine. I imagine myself. I imagine everything around me. I imagine rocks, rivers, and the wind. I imagine my guardian angels, spirit animals, and demons. I imagine every friend and person I encounter. I imagine the books I read and cartoons I watch. I imagine music and the people of the tabloids. I imagine you, dear reader.

My existence is a figment of my imagination. My existence is a figment of your imagination. Your existence is a figment of my imagination. The Uni, Multi, and Meta verses exist because they were imagined. Through my imagination I open myself to higher imagination, higher consciousness. And like consciousness, my imagination is limitless. It’s pushed me to take risks, create art, do drag, start businesses, sign up for Pageants and New York Fashion Week, write letters, essays, and comedy, and to travel the world.

Today I landed in Europe on a journey to follow Harry Styles at the end of his historic Love on Tour. Why? Because I have deluded myself into believing that the songs this man has written and performed are about me. It’s a narcissistic belief. Crazy. Delusional. But the idea that someone, or the Ghost of someone, could witness or feel the energy of the most vulnerable and terrifying moments of my life, when my being and spirit were completely open to the pain and magic of the mystical, is comforting.

And I have found that I could tell my Story through and with someone else, using their Story as a platform for my own. And while the stresses and anxieties of this material reality weigh on me, I fully and wholeheartedly believe I must share these stories to the world. Because however delusional or crazy they may seem, they are real. They are mine. And now they are yours.

And I am real. We all are.

And I truly do wish upon a star that the witnesses of my story find resonance and belonging in shared truths. And that together, we experience liberation and transcendence from the inapplicable stories that were forced upon us.

So stick around, because damn do I have a story to tell.

Look for the secrets hidden in plain sight.

Xoxo Desmina de Vil