Always a Part of Me

Dinner parties are really fun, until you are forced to have family dinner with 5 other families who you've never met in the stuffy back room of an eating disorder clinic. Weeks prior to this get-together, my mother had told me that she wanted me to go to Walden Behavioral Care to, “get skills to cope with eating disorder behaviors” which at the time I thought was a load of bull, now I can at least admit and recognise that I did, and do have an eating disorder. Took me a while to admit that.

At the intake, I was given a paper that I had to fill out just like at a physical, asking questions like did I want to kill myself, have I ever hurt myself/others, the whole shabang.

“You need to be completely honest with them; tell them exactly what's going on,” My mother pleaded this, as I reached the question, “In the last 28 days, how many times have you overeating to the point of feeling uncomfortable.” I circled 1-3 times,

“I haven't done that in a while,” I said with and attitude in my voice and tears in the back of my eyes,

“You need to be honest with them Kyleigh, I’ve seen you and I know, it's been a lot more than that.” She kept pressing which made me feel somewhat ashamed, is this what my mother thought of me? That I was some sort of bingeing beast, eating everything in sight? I felt my vision get blurry, I already didn't want to be there and I already felt ashamed and she just added gasoline to the fire. I kept trying to conceal my tears, I felt if they saw me cry it meant that I belonged there, and at the time I KNEW I didn’t, I attempted to shout at my mom, but it actually came out as more of a stuttered whisper,

“ I can't believe you think that of me,” my mother looked exhausted she had already gone through this once with my sister who also has an eating disorder-- but this is my story, not hers.

“I don't think bad of you Kyleigh, I just want to get you the help you need” At that point one of the workers came in, I don't exactly know their title they aren't nurses or doctors but they take our vitals, EVERYTIME you go in. They gave me water because my vitals were off which isn't a good sign because it makes it look like you're restricting which at that time I was not. They called the group in and we had to sit in group therapy for 45 minutes to an hour then got to family therapy, which as Alex another patient had called, “ a whole hour were my mother roasts me” I was NOT looking forward to that.

This was my sisters 3rd time at Walden so she knew were to go and what to do and who these group leaders were, I did not. They had anxiety-relieving objects that you could fiddle with while in group. Kinetic sand was my go to, it was fun to play with and easy to focus on. If I was sharing my deepest secret (that I had only just confessed to my mother after 4 years) with a group of strangers I needed to focus on something other than crying. Even to this day, I don't cry in front of anybody, I don't like it, makes me feel weak,

“Well we have some new people joining today, so that means we need to go around and today we will do, our names, how old we are , and one cool fact about ourselves.” Cool fact?! I hate these introductions. Everyone went around the room, Faith was first. She was the most innocent person I’ve ever met,

“Hi! I'm Ffaith, I'm 14 and one cool fact about me is that I love the show Tthe Ooriginals.” The only other girl that first day rolled her eyes in amusement as if Faith talked about the show all the time which I soon came to find out -- she did. Next was Alex,

“ My name is karen, I'm 35,” She was always joking, i think she used humor as a coping mechanism. I don’t actually remember what her fact was. I didn't really know her well, because she was discharged after my 3rd day. I remember saying my name and my age at the time I was 16, and I told them a fun fact about me was I liked the show riverdale. It wasn’t really an interesting fact, but it was all I could come up with. I remember being crowded in the corner and not wanting to move because the chair was loud and obnoxious and I did not want any more eyes on me. I sat and just stared at my hands as they played with the cool blue kinetic sand.

“ Ok so now is for the not so fun part,” the group leader, Lex started passing out packets with things like DBT, interpersonal effectiveness, and D.E.A.R M.A.N. We had to learn DBT skills and one of the packets had us write what we wanted and how we can ask for help with what we wanted. I don't exactly remember what I wrote but I remember not wanting to share. I don't know if it was because I'm shy or if I didn't want to share that personal info or maybe it was a collection of both. We didn't necessarily HAVE to share but I wanted to get better and that meant I had to follow this program. So I opened up to these new strangers. I didn't like it and still don't but it helped me get better.

While we were in group therapy, our parents were in therapy. Sometimes as I daydreamed, I wondered if it felt weird for my mom because she had 2 kids in the program at the same time. Then I learned that one of the other girls’ older sister had been previously treated here, so it didn't think much of it after that. I don't know what my mom said during the parent group. During the family therapy it was very awkward to be with all the parents, but it got better. We talked about skills to cope and how our parents can help us and how we need to communicate. Pretty basic stuff but we all needed reminders. We shared good and bad experiences and how things during the week could have gone differently. Again it was not my favorite part but it wasn't terrible.

After group therapy and family therapy, we had to eat dinner there as a family. The nutritionist made us have all the food groups and things like that. I think the first night my mom bought Subway, but we had so many dinners there I don't remember. We played games during dinner I don't know if they did that to make it less awkward or to distract people so they didn't realize they were eating. I wasn't as bad as some others, (one time someone didn't eat any of their dinner). We played this game called target were one person had to pick a target item and give clues and people had to guess what item it is (All the games that they played there were very complicated, fun, but hard to understand). Alex went first and it took forever to guess because she didn't choose an actual item she chose “a Target employees untied shoelace”. When the dinner was done we just left the dishes and leave, but on this day I had to talk to my clinician, Aubrey. She asked me such personal question I remember pinching my fingers as to not cry, but that only helped a little bit. She looked at me as if I was a sad puppy which made me cry,

“What kind of ED behaviors do you engage in,” I remember her asking. I don't know how I worded it but I said it as if it wasn't a big deal,

“ I guess I like to eat a lot, after school when I come home… when no one is home, or if I'm sad or mad” I remember at this point tears were falling out my eyes,

“Do you feel ashamed and feel like it’s to the point of being uncomfortable?” She saw me crying and offered me a tissue,

“ I don't like that I do it, but I just do, sometimes I'm not hungry, but I eat and then I felt bad that I ate so I eat more” She reassured me that it's okay and asked,

“ Have you ever tried to make yourself throw up, restrict, or take laxatives” I wasn't in the right headspace and I remember thinking that I wish I had thought about taking Laxatives. It’s a sick thought but that's how I felt at the time, I now know that, that was not healthy thinking,

“ I always tried to make myself throw up but nothing would ever come up, and I guess I did kind of try to restrict but it would never last long.” She made a note and we talked a little bit more before asking my mom to come in. I talked with them about how I hated myself and how I loathe the way I look. I wish I could change everything about me. She would always give me, “homework” and that time she told me to practice positive affirmations in the mirror and say 5 things I like about myself each day in the mirror, ( I never actually did it). I tried but it was too weird. I told her that and she said it was okay but to keep trying. And she also gave me articles on mindfulness, what it was, and how to practice mindful eating.

I can say I both hated and loved Walden. I liked that I was able to talk to people who understand how I am and know a little bit about what I am going through. After being out of Walden I struggled a little. I have depression so if my meds aren't right I start to feel down. Which leads to having a binge episode which leads to me wanting to throw up. Sometimes I think that maybe I can just restrict and throw up for a little bit and then stop, but that's my eating disorder talking. I have to stop and think through those thoughts. To this day, every day is a battle, I'm still working on my screwed up relationship with food, but after learning the skills I need, I am able to help talk myself from those down negative ED thoughts. I am still very ashamed of my eating disorder. I don't try to hide it though because, unfortunately, it will always be a part of me.