Alone With My Thoughts

Do you ever have some days where you wake up and feel good? Do you have some days where you wake up feeling shit about yourself? Have you ever had a day where you wake up and feel both?

Sometimes, I’ll wake up in the morning feeling good, I’ll be in a good mood. Something usually ruins it, something someone says, a voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough, my past trauma catching up with my again.

As a victim of assault, some days are worse then others, I try to carry the weight of my trauma on my shoulders, but sometimes I can’t, sometimes those boulders drag me, roll straight over me, making me feel flat, lethargic and exhausted. Although it’s not a physical exertion, the mental exhaustion can take a toll on the body, making it feel like you’ve barely slept in days, even though all you do is sleep.

I hate that my past makes me feel like a victim, I hate that I can’t see my body as my own, sure I’m slowly making changes to make sure I feel like myself again, but it’s hard. Even when I know things in my life are great, I have a stable job, amazing friends, an amazing partner, I still feel awful and miserable all the time.

That’s what depression does to you. The doctors can prescribe all the medication in the world, and sure it can work for a while, but once you’re alone in your thoughts, it’s hard to hold onto happiness, especially when it’s only temporary. You have to have the willpower to keep going, if not for you, but for the people you care about. For the people that care about you.

You need to remember to fight back, some days it will take over, some days you will feel weak, like you can’t fight it anymore, you may not have the energy too, but you get up. You find the energy to fight back, which can be difficult, but it is indeed possible.

Life is such a short thing, we don’t realise that until things are put into perspective. When we lose a friend or family member, we realise how short it really can be. Have you ever thought of ending it? Please think again, because you need to live your life, if not for yourself, but for someone you love, your parents, your siblings, a partner. You find something to keep you going, take it from someone who’s spent the last 7 years fighting depression, yes my doctors put me on antidepressants, but some days, my mental health still drags me.

There’s a quote that I live by, something that I’ve heard many times, but I don’t know where the quote originated from, ‘If you are going through hell, keep going’ because no matter how hard it gets, it always gets better.

Most days, I hate how affected I am by my past, I still get triggered by certain things, I still have panic attacks, I still have mental breakdowns, but no matter what, I keep fighting, because living is so much better than cutting it short.

When people say it gets better, it’s hard to believe because it’s such an overused term, but I promise you, it really does get better. It just takes time. It can take years, sometimes decades, but just promise me, that you keep going, you keep fighting, and you keep at least trying to focus on the positives, I know it’s much easier said than done, but it is possible!

Remember what Dory says

‘Just keep swimming’