ADHD controls my anxiety

As the internet has stated for decades, adults with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder may find it challenging to concentrate and prioritize, resulting to unintentional missed deadlines and shirked meetings or social plans, which are sometimes neglected without the person's awareness.

At least, in my current knowledge of that reason.

Nevertheless, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder doesn't end there, the ineptitude to control impulses can vary from impatience waiting in line or driving in traffic to mood swings and outbursts of anger. Adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder symptoms may include: Impulsiveness, hyperactivity, fidgeting, impulsivity, irritability, risk-taking behaviors, or lack of restraint.

Not only that, people also struggle with hardship in focusing, which my entire family failed to believe as out of my control, and, with a warm grin on their elderly faces, tells me to focus while overlooking the symptoms I've displayed for years.

Aka, the ones I've typed so far, which I had to maintain for nearly two decades on my own without help from family or friends. It sucked to be an alien in a school full of kids unlike me who is capable of focusing while two hours is spent on anxiety attacks (I regulated well enough for others to ignore) and daydreaming that I continue to train my brain to grow out of doing in public.

But just as I was becoming "normal" in my own skin, I also realized I displayed these symptoms, which I also stated previously: forgetfulness, lack of concentration, problem paying attention, racing thoughts, or short attention span.

My whole life, even as an innocent kid with no troublesome streaks amongst my family, I had memory issues, which, to my surprise for years, irritated my father and mother to bits. I cried over and over, explaining that I didn't mean to forget on purpose; even a simple grocery item is forgotten in a matter of minutes.

Not only that, they will see an item I picked out for myself while at the store full of food, which is perfectly organized and displayed on the shelves for me to see and will blame me for having "selective hearing" or "being disrespectful" at times. I thought simply, and innocently, that picking snacks will my own money was okay, but when I was given a short list to memorize on the way out the door without it written, I was turning into a panic mess over the course of my teenage life.

I hated being the way I was, always mentally cursing myself in the mirror, and cried even harder when my anger controlled my actions and I blindly tossed and flung personal belongings around my room and house, hating myself for being born and being imperfect.

That's not even the end of my struggle with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. In fact, that's where it began from elementary to high school where it began to worsen by 10th grade, nearly a few months after I graduated 8th/9th grade (I was in a program to skip grades and earn credits, which I obviously toiled to focus through, especially in the mornings.)

Do you remember that I mentioned fidgeting and irritability? Well, by 10th grade, I was a complete victim of panic attacks and trauma-inducing events. Of course, I won't mention them for the sake of sensitive audiences, so I will skim those events with one word: awful.

Those awful events turned me into a teenager with trust issues and I was always, always fidgeting, struggling to stay still, to stay quiet, or to do anything in a cramped space. My mood was akin to the wheel of fortune, minus the fortune, and I could never predict my own mood in front of people. I'm either in a good mood and kind to others, or upset and on the verge of popping a vein from annoyance.

I hated the way I disliked kindness from others while expecting them to be kind, while, at the same freaking time, I disliked being kind to others who made me believe I was an issue in their eyes.

My years as a teen was filled with so many internal and external problems like: Hyperfocus, time management issues, emotional sensitivity, sleep problems, difficulty controlling emotions, low tolerance for boredom, and impulsive shopping.

I despised that I had always hyperfocused on writing books and anime for years, I always had trouble managing my own appointments or events, even becoming late sometimes since I never looked at the clock for hours, but let's not forget my poor, fragile emotions that damage my image as a shy person with crocodile tears or rejection issues. Although my boredom never lasts since I'm either catching up on lost sleep, trying to regulate my body to the medicines I'm prescribed, or trying to save money by overthinking about life in the future, which leads me to add things to my cart and saving them for later in the future.

I continued to taunt myself with thoughts and got easily uncomfortable around family when they tried to justify my actions, causing me to believe that I'm not normal for years. I developed a worse case of anxiety before my high school graduation and nearly fainted from how bad it was. I wasn't nervous, nor was I excited to graduate.

In fact, I was 100% relieved to leave that building and succumb to my mental troubles in my own bedroom.

Though that doesn't mean I allowed myself to laze away in my house, I instead looked for jobs, just to realize I have trouble focusing there too. I find myself trying to remember simple things, leading to an entire hour of thoughts about unrelated things to work without my awareness.

Sometimes my consciousness tricks me to believe I'm where my brain thinks I am, which is whatever setting I'm at in my head. I have no memory of my present situation and when I snap out of it, I have spent two whole hours touching the same items over and over again, muttering incoherent words under my breath.

Akin to those occurrences, I started to buy things because I was around them too long, staring, reading the labels, and imagining myself using them. I had a few panic attacks at work for my insomnia and health-related issues that my manager had complaints about.

Not surprisingly, I quit a few days later out of guilt.

I did have a job before that I was well-adjusted to for almost three weeks, but it was too far from my house and I was, unfortunately, someone almost had another awful event there.

My attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder soon was forgotten as my Tourettes got worse, then my insomnia was messing with my awakeness. So what did I do to help myself?

I eventually found a doctor who finally gave me a way to fall asleep and help my internal problems. It took a week for me to notice any complete signs of ease, but I still had dreams about my attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. I don't remember them, of course, just that I hated how I was born like this.

But I now shrug it off and thank my mother for being the only person to acknowledge, after a few years, that I was not doing anything on purpose and why I'm not sad after losing her.

She made me feel "normal" when she could and now my grandma is also doing the same without knowing. I'm grateful that I can still feel safe without being on edge and that alone is what I always wanted my entire life.