To my broken heart

Dear broken heart,

From the day you awashed over my trauma to my pathetic coping mechanisms, I thought of you as pain.

I cried for you to mold back into a whole heart, to keep me away from heartbreak as love shatters you inside of my chest, pumping poison-like sensations into your chambers like a pitiful narrow track.

You ruined me, shambled my trust in love into ambers and ashes, and I can't even undo the seal I placed on you to prevent any emotions from entering you.

Why must you hate me like this? Is my lack of healing enough of a reason to not mend together and allow me to love myself?

I can't even be bothered to feel empathy for myself anymore because you, so why are you out to destroy my life by turning me emotionless?

You're not a place for love to be stored and used to bond with others, you're a monster and I hope you know that I'll fall in love without you, I'll use my head and gut feeling as a way to tell if that person will be my soulmate or not.

Should I remind you what happened with "T"? Maybe I should to let the pain sink in and give me a reason to finally give up. "T" gave me a little bit of friendship and I fell in love, yet you decided that love wasn't enough and turned me into an emotional mess of tears and jealousy.

I gave up my TIME for "T" and what did you do as a way to ease my feelings for them? You coax me into having feelings for "D" as well."D" checked off the list, huh? They played basketball, they wore your favorite hairstyle, they were nice to you, empathized with your injury, yet you couldn't give up on "T"? You're the worst.

I was muddled with my love for two people because of you. Not even that, "T" fell in love with "P" and thought of me as a friend only, however, instead of detaching yourself from the obvious unrequited love, you egg me on with fast heartbeats and painful pangs to try and earn their love.

I hate you, I really do. You are the worst.

And not only do you keep me hung on this unrequited love for "T", you make me fall for the slightest bond I make with anyone.

You even go as far as to develop a bond with fictional beings and celebrities, because they're out of reach and you make me feel safe from heartbreak.

Well, you failed, miserably.

I got my heartbroken again, though you don't care while fluttering in my chest when someone in my field of vision gives me attention. I feel like you're torturing me at this point.

This on and off cycle of "love" and "pain" isn't healthy anymore, plus my toxic family is just a heft of burdens that keep piling inside of you, stacking reason on top of reason as to why I should be overcome with massive, throbbing headaches, insomnia, and unwelcomed impulses to be better.

Don't you get the memo? I don't WANT to be better, I want to HEAL gradually like a normal, semi-functioning human being. I want to see the world in colors, not in grey hues of depressing perspectives as pain correlates with reality. No, not in the way you expect me to feel.

But I finally fallen for someone again after 3 years and I want to give this love thing another shot.

So stay out of my way and don't mess it up for me.

Sincerely, your brain.