A List of Common Gaslighting Phrases to Look Out For

Gaslighting is a form of emotional-abuse that is used to make the target question their reality. While gaslighting can be used unintentionally by unhealthy adults, it is most often used on purpose as a tool of emotional-control. People who gaslight to gain control of others are committing emotional abuse, and are likely using other forms of manipulation to control the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours of others, such as smear-campaigns, the silent-treatment, and passive aggressive behaviour.

Regardless of what form the emotional-abuse takes, gaslighting is at the crux of all emotional abuse, and it can rear it's ugly head in one of two ways; overt gaslighting, and covert gaslighting.

Overt gaslighting is when someone makes an 'obvious' attempt to manipulate. It might sound something like this;

"You always remember things wrong" or "No one will ever love you the way I do"

Covert gaslighting is more subtle and is harder to detect. Covert gaslighting might sound something like this;

"I don't experience this issue with anyone else" or "You always have to be right, don't you?"

If you recognise any of the following 30 phrases it is likely that you have been gaslighted. Being on the receiving end of one or two of these phrases might not be evidence that gaslighting is occurring, but hearing many of these phrases on a regular basis is a sure sign that someone is attempting to control you behind the scenes.

Memory

• "You have an awful memory"
• "You always remember things wrong"
• "That's not how I remember it"
• "That's not what happened"
• "You know that's not true"

Sensitivity

• "You're too sensitive"
• "You always over-react"
• "You can never take a joke"
• "Calm-down"
• "You're being irrational"

Blame-shifting

• "I don't have this issue with anyone else"
• "Only you would respond this way"
• "Ask anyone else, they'll agree with me"
• "No one else has an issue with me acting this way"
• "I'm not the only one who thinks you're *insert insult here*"

Denial

• "That's not what I said"
• "That's not how it happened"
• "I don't remember doing that"
• "You always make me out to be the bad guy"
• "You always have to be right, don't you?"

Exaggeration

• "You always do that"
• "You never listen"
• "Why are you so dramatic?"
• "You're always the victim"
• "You always blame me"

Possessiveness

• "No one will ever love you the way I do"
• "You're lucky I put up with you"
• "No one else will have this kind of patience with you"
• "You should feel lucky that I treat you this way"
• "You should only interact with me that way"

Gaslighting - at it's core - it's steeped in misrepresentations of the truth. An expert gaslighter will imbue their manipulations with elements of truthfulness, so as to make the manipulation more palatable for you. For example, if you have a tendency to forget to lock the door behind you, the gaslighter might apply your forgetfulness to other situations in an attempt to convince you that your memory is worse than it is.

Gaslighting can be so effective that the target of the manipulation will begin to believe that the gaslighter's lies are true, even in the face of contradictory evidence. Someone who has been converted to the control of the gaslighter might even find that they begin to gaslight themselves or others around them. There are a number of signs - aside from the commonly used phrases - that indicate that you may be a victim of gaslighting, such as;

• You anticipate the needs of others
• You seek multiple opinions before making a decision
• You have trouble remembering simple things or answering questions
• You think you might have a personality disorder, such as borderline or antisocial personality disorder
• You don't have a stable sense of identity
• Other people comment that you are quiet or don't talk much
• You are prone to emotional outbursts, but feel apathetic by default
• You dissociate at random, often without obvious cause
• You excuse other people's mishaps by logically explaining why they are acting in a certain way, but you don't extend this kindness to yourself
• You have sleep disturbances, depression, anxiety, or OCD

The good news is, there is a way to make the gaslighting stop. While you cannot control the gaslighter themselves, you can control something even more powerful; how you respond. In the book 'The Gaslight Effect' author Dr. Robin Stern describes gaslighting as a 'tango' that requires two people. This is not to say that a victim is to blame for gaslighting - On the contrary, but the victim does have the ability to control how they respond to emotional manipulation, and this can be incredibly empowering.

Once you understand what gaslighting looks and feels like (which I hope you have learned from this article!) you can begin to build boundaries that will stop it from happening. Boundaries can be described as the parameters that you build around your psyche. Much like protecting your home with a fence, a boundary protects your mind from people who are trying to invade it. Creating boundaries is the first step to becoming mentally in control and healthy.

It can be difficult to decide what boundaries work for you. This is because the gaslighter has worked to undermine your self-worth, so your automatic response to gaslighting might be to believe the gaslighters claims. Before you can believe that you are worthy of boundaries, you must first believe that the gaslighter isn't always right (in fact, they are blatantly lying to you). Let's consider one of the gaslighters favourite claims, and look at a line of reasoning that you can employ that will help you see through the manipulation;

"You always remember things wrong"

When confronted with this claim you can ask yourself the following questions:

• How likely is it that you always remember things wrong?
• Do you have any examples of when you remembered something correctly?
• Do you have any examples of when the gaslighter remembered something incorrectly?
• How does the gaslighter benefit in this scenario if you are remembering things wrong?
• Do you have a history of remembering things wrong before you met the gaslighter?

Practice this task with all claims made by the gaslighter that don't sit right with you. Eventually, you will come to realise that there is no logical basis to the gaslighters reasoning, and that their only goal is to undermine your reality. Once you have had your reality undermined by a gaslighter, it can be difficult to understand why this is a problem in the first place. If that is the sentiment that you currently hold I want to you to consider the following quote;

Those who are bothered by your boundaries are those who benefit from you having none at all

The process of creating boundaries is easy for mentally-healthy individuals, but can be a hugely uncomfortable experience for those who have been exposed to emotional-abuse for prolonged periods. For this reason, I have compiled a short list of what should be considered universal boundaries for healthy living, they are;

• I do not have to say yes to doing things I don't want to do
• When I say no people should listen to me
• I am not to blame for other people's failures
• I am not to blame for other people's emotional reactions
• I deserve to be treated with kindness
• I don't have to be kind to people who are cruel to me
• I do not deserve to be treated poorly
• I deserve to be treated well
• I am allowed to disagree with people
• It is normal to feel differently from other people

You can explore more boundaries here.

It is a helpful process to review what others believe to be healthy boundaries for themselves, because this will help you see the kind of standards other people have for their own treatment. Once you are comfortable with the mantras above take some time to compile a list of boundaries that best suit your personal life, and repeat them to yourself every day. It may be difficult at first, but the more you repeat your chosen mantras, the easier it will become and the sooner you can begin your healing journey.

And remember; you don't deserve emotional abuse, and everyone deserves the chance to heal.

About the author: Rachel M.J. has a masters degree in Forensic Mental Health. She also writes a fortnightly column titled 'what your brain doesn't tell you' at the free magazine The Vocal Creators Chronicle

You can read more of her work about covert emotional abuse here

Or learn about the red-flags you're talking to a Narcissist here