Signs You're Talking to a Narcissist

Talking to a narcissist is like talking to a brick wall.

Talk to a brick wall, and people will call you crazy. Talk to a narcissist and, well... you'll make yourself crazy. It can be difficult to navigate the conversational quirks that dictate a narcissists normal speech patterns. They rely on cheap-tricks to bait you into giving supply; they're like a black hole, and the more life-force they suck from you, the bigger their ego becomes. Worse still, if they recognise you as an easy source of supply, they'll keep coming back for more.

Falling into the conversational traps set by a narcissist can leave you feeling like an empty cocoon, but there are techniques you can use to protect your energy. Once you recognise the tell-tale signs that you're talking to a narcissist you can begin to build a protective barrier against Narcissistic manipulation.

They refer to themselves in third person

The Narcissist likes to talk about themselves as if they were the main character in a story book - It's like Main Character syndrome, but on steroids. They say the words "I" and "me" enough times in a day to make up the word count for a college essay, but a more grating habit of theirs is to refer to themselves directly by name.

Let's pretend for a moment that our Narcissists name is Joe. If you have a particular Narcissist in mind, feel free to replace the following examples with their name and circumstances. Joe is a funny guy, and he likes to make his friends and colleagues laugh. The only problem is, he calls his cracks at humour *Joe*kes. Yikes. Joe also happens to be infamous for arriving late, and when he walks into a room he announces, "Joe has arrived!". Not a good look, Joe.

They use labels excessively

Due to their tenuous relationship with identity, the Narcissist relies on labels to describe who they are as a person. Not like a healthy individual, who may proudly call themselves a father, a wife, a geek, or an artist, the Narcissist relies almost solely on these labels to define themselves.

These labels become so imbued in the Narcissists self-worth that they may use them as weapons to belittle other people. For example, a lover of music might refer to themselves as a 'Muso'. The title itself is harmless, until the Narcissist begins to gatekeep their favourite artists or bands, acting as though they have the authority to determine who can call themselves a 'real' fan of something. Similarly, a narcissistic 'gamer' might claim that certain features that they possess qualify them as more of a 'gamer' than others.

Parallel conversations

Parallel play occurs when two children play adjacent to one another without actually influencing the others behaviour. Consider, then, two adults engaged in conversation, but one is lamenting the loss of her favourite pair of Nikes, and the other is detailing their after-work plans. After explaining your after-work plans, you ask the Narcissist, "What do you think?" and they randomly reply with "Do you like my new shoes?".

Holding a conversation with a narcissist can be incredibly difficult. You'll find that rather than engage in conversation with you, they would rather offer you a dutiful "mmm" or "yep" - enough to appease social norms - before leaping into a story of their own. If the conversation is on a topic that peaks their interest, say no more, and prepare to step aside as they take the spotlight. If the topic of interest does not directly impact them, prepare to engage in parallel conversations.

Interrupting, Ignoring and One-Upping

The more classic conversational tools you'd expect from a narcissist, interrupting, ignoring, and one-upping all have one thing in common; they're used to transfer power unto the narcissist, and to belittle you in the process. They interrupt you by not letting you finish a sentence, ignore you by changing the topic when you ask a question, and one up you by saying phrases like "oh, you think that's bad? Wait till you see this!" or "You think you're tired? You have no idea what tired even means."

Counter to what one might think, it is best not to engage when the narcissist interrupts, ignores, or one-ups you. While it's true that narcissists wish to be admired, it is also true that the Narcissists wishes, more than anything else, to be acknowledged. Often times, this means any attention is good attention, including negative attention. In other words, they like to know if they've upset you.

Narcsplaining

You know the term - it's the narcissistic version of Mansplaining. 'Mansplaining' refers to when (more often) a man explains something to (usually) a woman with the false presumption that she holds no knowledge on the topic. Now hear me out, but I think this conversational tool might be an even more insidious weapon of degradation when utilised by a Narcissist.

It is not within the definition of a 'mansplainer' to purposefully humiliate their target - only that they have a false presumption of superior knowledge. The Narcissist, however, will Narcsplain with the intention of making their target feel less-than. If you have the misfortune of working with a Narcissist, this might present as your boss falsely diminishing your knowledge in front of customers or other co-workers.

They hold you responsible for their emotions

"I was having a good day until you said that" ... "You always seem to affect my mood somehow" ... "Can't you just act happy for me?". If you've had the displeasure of hearing any of these phrases you know how jarring it can be. The Narcissist has a tendency of holding other people accountable for their emotions, and struggles to take accountability for how their own attitude or perspective might effect their mood.

Similar to their self-worth, the Narcissist's mood is seemingly dictated by outside forces. Talking to a narcissist can feel like walking on egg shells, one step out of place and suddenly, "well that's just great, you've ruined my day". Oops. If a Narcissists self-image is disturbed by an off-hand comment, or if the Narcissist is withheld from narcissistic supply, they may lash out in an attempt to shift their discomfort from themselves onto the easiest target. If you are a people pleaser, this target will likely be you.

So, what can you do about it?

It's easy to fall into the trap of continually seeking praise from a Narcissist. Eventually, you realise that the Narcissist is incapable of validating your needs, wants, and feelings, and so it's time to stop seeking it. Make yourself the Narcissist's least favourite target. You can do this by removing any semblance of narcissistic supply by utilising a technique known as the 'grey-rock' method.

For a detailed look at the grey-rock technique and why it is effective, watch this video by Christina, at 'Common Ego'

Summary

On their own, these conversational habits may be just that; habits. There's not much harm in referring to oneself by name, and engaging in parallel conversations might be indicative of another issue unrelated to narcissism. But, taken together, these habits display a pattern of grandiose, dismissive, and emotionally manipulative behaviour that may suggest narcissistic tendencies.

Protect your energy by using the grey-rock technique, and use your insider-knowledge to observe the Narcissist's behaviour instead of engaging.

Thanks for reading! For more on Narcissist, see the following article on Covert Narcissistic Manipulation

Or, learn about the manipulation techniques or a Pickup Artist here