A Life Unimagined

Dealing with the guilt and pain once the decision to leave has been made, is almost unbearable. Of course, the initial belief in deserving something better, and the determination to make healthier choices helps to keep the feelings just under the surface for a while.

I drove across the country with 3 little ones, along with everything I could fit into the minivan. I left everything else I had worked so hard to build. And in the end, it was all so meaningless.

The ups and downs related to divorce can be pure torment. Many times, I told myself I had made a mistake and wanted to go back. But I knew it would never be the same. Going back is never a realistic option.

It has been 6 years since I made that never-ending, emotional drive away from my entire life. I am embarrassed to say that I feel even more lost now and that I am desperately trying to figure out what this life is really all about.

I have tried to focus more on myself in order to deal with my inner emotional concerns. Attempting to learn more about myself and who I am meant to be is not an easy task. Digging deeper only reveals more truth, which can be extremely painful. Recognizing how my actions and behaviors have directly led to so many unhealthy relationships leaves me feeling foolish. I have come to fully understand how insecurity and how my self-image holds me back from living a full and happy life. I have been unable to keep myself from situations and relationships which perpetuate my feelings of worthlessness. Being taken advantage of by narcissists who know exactly how to bait and keep me holding on is just humiliating.

There was a time I felt as though I was making progress. I thought I had found a purpose and finally believed I had something to offer. Unfortunately, the passion and growing love for myself has gone. I do not know how to function in this life with no purpose. I thought I had it all planned out, but I failed. I often think I should have sacrificed more, at least for my children.

I find myself incapable of seeing any kind of future. I have even noticed my lack of desire for any form of accomplishment. Regrettably, I cannot think of one dream I have for myself. Emptiness has consumed my spirit. I am now overwhelmed by my greatest fear. Being alone has become my reality and I can no longer see my value.

Living the imaginary life has many benefits. The real world is not welcoming, nor is it forgiving. I truly understand why people decide to compromise in ways I never thought I would again.

How does one re-create themselves once failure has destroyed all hope? How do I do this all by myself?