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Yeah! I'm single!

How to Navigate a Relationship Focused Society, Companionless.

By Misty BolingPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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It does not matter how often anyone says, being a confident single woman is a desired goal, it will never become as focused on as finding love. Movies, songs, stories, friends, and ex-husbands will continuously remind me of the importance placed on the goal of finding a partner.

Everywhere I turn I find myself feeling inadequate and less of a human being because I am not in a relationship. I am literally astounded by the emphasis people place on having a companion.

I often ask myself, "how is it that people can have so many relationships?"

In all honesty, I feared being alone in life, so I jumped at the first opportunity. I literally believed that I might not ever find it again, or at all for that matter. I doubted myself and established a terrible pattern of allowing fear to influence my decisions.

Divorced now for 6 six years, and I have yet to find my person! The experience of a very brief but failed relationship 3 years ago, has left me skeptical of whether being in a relationship is really in my future.

In my heart, yes of course I feel it might be nice to have a man in my life who complements me and who sees who I truly am inside. But, I shouldn't feel as though I am less than, or less deserving because I don't have him.

Society has portrayed the picture of a fulfilling life in terms of "the happy couple". But is that the only way to achieve fulfillment?

Right now, I am led to believe there is no other way.

My ex-husband was into his first relationship roughly 6 months after we separated. I look at this action as his need for a partner, and his inability to manage his life alone. Otherwise, why wasn't more time taken to invest in a new relationship?

I am attempting to make it on my own, and it is not easy. Why does it seem so much easier when in a relationship? Why do I feel like I cannot succeed in reaching the same level of stability as a single woman? While my ex-husband continues his routine of work, he now has his wife at home taking care of everything else. Why is it okay for him to need the help? He would not be able to do his life without his wife at home. So, why does it seem like I have to attain it all on my own?

The problem is that when we are younger, we are led to believe we need to have someone care for us financially. I went from being a very driven and independent college student to an extremely insecure and fearful girl searching for someone to hold onto for assurances.

I ultimately made everything about him. I helped him get his G.E.D. I helped him get into college. I helped him to the point of almost taking some of his classes for him. When he made the decision to join the Army, I was there with him. I built him up, and focused on his career. I spent so much time establishing him as a way to make myself feel relevant. I failed to recognize I also needed to be built up, and encouraged to find my own individual purpose.

The unfortunate outcome of my actions, now that we are divorced, has been the struggle to fend for myself. After 14 years of being cared for financially by my husband, I am now left to figure it all out on my own.

I feel as though I have no identity. I feel rejected for being single, but I also feel judged because I have yet to really make it on my own.

One thought says, "well damn, I just need to find a man who will take care of me. At least I won't feel shunned for being single any longer".

And another thought says, "you are a strong woman. You need to be an example for your children, and you want to prove you are capable of surviving without a man".

I feel conflicted. Which decision is more acceptable?

I am living in a society where single people are described as immature, insecure, lonely, ugly, powerless, and failures (Kislev, 2019). Single is also a term related to incomplete, and unworthy.

When I was married, and living as an Army wife, I was considered a "dependent" of my husband. Defenseless, poor, reliant, secondary, lesser, and unsustaining are all synonyms of the word dependent. WOW!

Is there an option that might actually promote my value as an individual? ____________________________________________________

Kislev, E. (2019, October 19). Why people don't like singles. Psychology Today. https://www. psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happy-singlehood/ 201910/why-people-dont-singles.

divorce
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About the Creator

Misty Boling

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