A Friend In You

Satisfaction to someone who feels they could never belong to anyone, is knowing that the sense of being different, or Riddled, is always there. What professionals refer to as depression, becomes this constant ally to us. We know it would never go away unless we will it too, which is quite possibly why it sticks around for so long. Even during lasting spells of happiness, we may be spoiled by joyful thoughts and pleasant actions, but once the lights go down and loneliness takes hold, we feel comforted by our dark friend.

​Loneliness is essential for mental growth, providing us with self-reflection and discovery of who we are. As intimidating as it may seem, feeling completely alone can reveal the greater sides of our pre-existing human nature. Possibly an attribute to the instinct to survive, when left to their own devices, people often uncover powers they did not know they possessed. No, I do not mean that you will start levitating because you locked yourself away for ten days, but forced (and voluntary) solidarity can in a way be the adrenaline rush a person needs to understand who they are and what they’re capable of. You must learn to fight for your own self, to provide wisdom and think on a dime once you become the one person you can truly depend upon.

​Take for example the method of solitary confinement. Yes, it is now considered quite unjust, but it was, at one point, used to delve deeper into the minds of the most dangerous criminals. Their true colors would begin to surface as they awaited company, losing track of time in the emptiness of a dark room. The punished persons would have no choice other than to make use and pass time in an ocean of their own thoughts. They could reflect upon who they were, and who they may strive to become. Powers of persuasion may sometimes surface, getting them back into their standard cells, or perhaps newly found intelligence and obedience would come to rise and save them from any further nights in the dark.

​In relation to everyday life, the loneliness which depression appears to bring during “low” spells, can transcend the depressed person into a state of survival. The fight to carry on throughout the day requires an admirable strength developed in an effort to continue the fight for a “normal” life. There’s creativity in the distractions Riddled Souls conjure up, and such passion in the way they protect the ones they love by hiding the battles being waged inside their heads.

​Often it is the devotion to the people around you which snaps you out of the “low” mentality, however temporary it may be, in an effort to avoid inflicting pain upon them. I too, have faced this element to being a Riddled person, and I know first-hand that if I could take back the pain I expressed towards him, I would do it in a heartbeat.

​We were two seventeen-year-old kids, fervently in love. We spent every waking moment caring for one another, and no longer than two days would pass in between the times with which we saw one another. I understood that the ways with which I accepted his very existence, and how I treasured his mind with such a passion was beyond enough to have me impact him in the most positive of ways. I cherished the warmth to his soul, breathing next to mine that very first summer. It feels like decades ago to me now, when two innocent teenagers fell in love to the sound of the Pacific Ocean, and were lulled to sleep by the swing of a newly placed hammock. Nothing had ever pained me so much as the thought of losing him, until college sent us in different directions, and I first felt the tears fall from his eyes. I had seen him cry only once before, but not with intensity of our final night together. Being helplessly unable to take his pain, or to even truly console him against every aspect of my nature became the most looming regret I would ever face. It consumes me now, even three months later, as I recount the very moment I had discovered blatant guilt.

​I had known for months about the departure I was to take in preparation for my freshman year at Washington State University, exactly one thousand, two-hundred and twenty-six miles from where my best friend and lover,

passion, would be attending his college courses. Yet, I had somehow managed to overlook the overwhelming amount of times in which I had placed the burden of my pain onto his shoulders. No solution may ever fall from heaven and land in my lap, but my guilt roots from my incapacity to see beyond my own selfish hurt. Countless times I had broken down and lashed out upon him for the war going on in my mind. I became too much for him, something I swore I would never let myself do.

​You see, people do not reach the point of pure sadness until they have been driven there by their surroundings and even their very own people. Each action we take, however slight or immense, will pose a threat to our loved ones. They feel the blows we give, but they love unconditionally. In return for their love, it is our duty as the Riddlers to protect them from the very thoughts we share amongst ourselves each and every day. Depression is a riddle within itself. No one truly understands it, what sets it off, and what “cures” you, releasing you from its tendrils. As a person who comprehends the wrath and effects such an imposing thing may have, it is in fact a responsibility I must take with strength and honor to protect those who have not yet been affected by our little epidemic.