A Fresh Start

Honestly, everyone seems to have these big goals even after everything that happened last year. It still feels like 2020 hit me harder than most. 

    I was arrested for having my service dog with me on the college campus I was enrolled in after taking a hiatus to work on my mental health because I became suicidal the summer before, then I had my school laptop bag with my laptop and the video game project I was working on stolen from my car while I was working a month later, then I had to move out of the place I called home for the last 3 years, then I got removed from the college system for getting assaulted by a cop after the college said they wouldn't do that, then I lost my job, then my car, and all that happened by July... I have health conditions that make me immunocompromised, that if I get COVID-19 that there is a higher risk of me dying from it especially in my sleep. So now I have to be extra careful cause half the country doesn't believe in it or wears a mask or wants to take quarantines seriously and trying to get people sick... 

    Unfortunately, I still don't have a job or a source of income and I'm now a finical burden to my friends I moved in with that is trying to take care of me as I fall apart due to my ADHD, Autism, Depression, Narcolepsy,  and Sleep apnea slowly make my life harder and harder. Yes there are better days than others but those are sliver linings, they are just days that my conditions aren't making as difficult. But I'm still not normal on those days, just out of energy and tired. Now that I'm living in a pandemic, life is even harder for me, this year my new year's resolution is to survive the year and start the healing process to hopefully having a better life. I can't aim too high, I have been trying to escape the $800-$1200 a month poverty line for 12 years with nothing but failure to show for it. So I will just try to survive and anything I do beyond that will be an amazing accomplishment. Because what more can I do? How much more of a fresh start can you get than losing just about everything and trying to heal from that much being lost.  

    I'm am trying to heal from 12 years of fighting to escape the $800-$1200 poverty line. As someone who has been trying for 12 years to escape the $800-1200 poverty line I was born into while the US government refuses to give me a disability for my health conditions as they get worse and worse every day while they still deny me any help outside of food stamps. My health conditions don't affect my intelligence and they are using that as a way to deny me help. Like my ADHD (which causes me extreme Executive Dysfunction problems), Autism (which causes my sensory and anxiety issues), Narcolepsy with Cataplexy (that causes me to sleep up to 18+ hours a day), my depression (which just makes everything worse and makes me not want to live at all). None of these conditions can be taken care of if I don't have the capital and they are so bad they get me fired in less than a year if I can manage to get a job through lying about not having them. Then I get fired for lying. So, I Literally can't sell myself enough in any field of work that makes a company want to take care of my actual needs cause the government doesn't want to. So, everyone around me feels sorry for me and takes on my burdens just to give me a roof over my head cause of how dangerous it would be for me to live on the streets with my conditions. Capitalism and the U.S. government have forced me to have a miserable life watching the people who care about me slowly resent me until they throw me out cause I can't prove hardly anything but food stamps for myself without help... 

    I have to try and heal from all the damages and survive a pandemic. That's all I have to do... Sorry, this isn't a hopeful story where you see me talk about the video games I want to build, the game development & entertainment companies I to create because of how messed up our current industries are, or how I want to build a Mega corporation design solely to help build a future with self-sustaining cars & homes and green & Eco-friendly products made of hemp (or other plants like Cacti) that opens up stores like Walmart where you can Guarantee that anything Unique to that area (that doesn't look like something that is Mass-produced) that we have hired or partnered with local creators to sell their goods in our stores and we help them get the things they need in order to create their products as Eco-friendly as possible. That was last year where I had those hopes and dreams like that before January 6th. 

    I'm sorry if this "bummed" you out and reminds of you the reality of the world and state of things but this is the truth. This is my life and reality. There isn't much for me to hope for outside of just surviving in America with a government and society that is too focus on others to help me or just doesn't want to help me. A fresh start isn't always a good thing. It's just always a new beginning. I think trying to disguise the damages of 2020 and a fresh start is very unhealthy to the healing process as we have to face the truth of the matter. Our fight isn't over. Things can and will get worse. If we try to distract ourselves from this truth & relax, then we will end up with Donald Trump as president once again just so he can make things worse for everyone again. This fight is going to continue for the rest of our lives. I'm going to have to fight for the rest of my life just to survive with no promise that I will even survive the upcoming year and make it to the end. 

    We can't pretend life is better or going to be better. If we do, we can't heal. We have to face the reality, the reality is simple, we don't live in a world where we can just forget about what happened and move forward but instead see the damages and start to rebuild and heal. We have to remember the cause and root of the problems and continue to fight to fix the core of the problems until everyone is better not just until you are better enough to forget how bad things were. We have to continue fighting cause the fight isn't over until the war is over. The war isn't over yet. This is my "Fresh Start" and my reality. 

    So, what do I mean by healing? I mean focusing on the "little" things, taking moments to feel my emotions, talking them through, accepting truths in front of me instead of pretending everything is okay, trying to stay a little bit more active, actively making better choices even if they are small, and just trying to be more proactive in my own healing. It's really that simple. But just because I can say it simply doesn't mean it's going to be easy. That's my wellness plan. That's my healing. That's new year's resolution.